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I've been reading posts here for some time and finally decided to post myself. I have been dating an alcoholic for about 5.5 years on and off and it has been total chaos- I kick him out he acts okay for a few weeks/maybe months and then the lies, ditches me, and stops working again. When I met him, I was bartending and the culture we lived in was surrounded by drinking, so I didn't realize he had such a problem. When I found out, I wanted to help him. I cannot believe what I have put up with-constant lying, ditching me, cheating, abandonment, arguing over basic needs, belittling, him refusing to work and help out with the bills. It is nearly immpossible for me to communicate with him while he is drinking (which is daily from the time he wakes up until he goes to bed) but I still try. The only time I feel even somewhat close to him is when he goes to AA, which has only been about 2 months total in the 5 years (a few weeks here and there). It is a constant roller coaster and I never know if he will keep plans we had, if he is lying to me and so on. I have finally gotten him out of my house, but not out of my heart. I am not sure why it hurts so bad to let him go. I am finally coming to the realization that he doesn't care about me or his 2 kids enough to change. He won't even pay child support for his kids, which aren't mine, but I help raise one of them when she is in town. He can be awful to me, but be so nice to his friends the same day (I must say they are all alcoholics too). I often wonder if he is just a total jerk and just wants to use me or if it is his alcoholism casuing him to treat me badly. We are both 31 years old and I want a family of my own and always enocurage him to do the right thing and support them. I know if I had kids with him, he would still not work, drink, and hang out with his friends all day, while I was left with caring for the child. working, etc.. What did it take for you guys to walk away from your alcoholic mate? I feel like I have literally let him treat me horribly and I keep coming back for more, so it doesn't even effect him when he cheats, lies, and abandons me. I don't think he feels any remorse from what I can tell. He also acts like he is 15 and puts his friends above his kids and me. Why can't I just accept he won't be there for me and move on? Why even cling to those few moments of "normalcy" when we know they won't last? Any advice would be appriciated. I feel depressed and loney and I just want to move on. I don't even feel like myself and it is hard to do the activities I enjoy anymore. I can't figure out why I have the urge to keep lecturing to him change and not just let him go? I know he doesn't care and actions speak louder than words. Thanks for listening.
He keeps doing these things to you because you are allowing it. If nothing changes, nothing changes. I think it comes down to being sick and tired of being sick and tired and realizing that alone is better than the pain that comes with being with an alcoholic or drug addict. It helps me to read the courage to change book and how al anon works book. You can pick these up at a meeting. Also sharing with others in meeting and hearing from them as well breaks the isolation and confusion we have in these relationships. I finally left when my AH took up a Chrystal meth addiction. It was too much for me. And the stress was affecting my health. As much as I didn't want to get a divorce ( thought it would never happen) I had to accept reality. And the reality was that AH wasnt even in a relationship with me. And wasn't involved with his children. It was all about the addiction. I asked my HP for his will for my life and the courage to carry it out. And I was given the strength to leave. And my life is so much better. I would much rather have my life as it is today than what it was when I was married. I praise my HP for that! Sending support. Greenergrass
Welcome to Al Anon, you need to live for yourself. You need to do things you enjoy and not allow him to be "everything." Only our HP can be everythiing we need. If we let him. When we have been with alcoholics so long we become sick. We believe what they have falsey said, what their picture of us no matter how distorted it is we start to get molded into that shape (how our A's refer to us as). We need to go back to basics. I know Al Anon will gently strip those layers away if you will allow it. There is amazing support here. The greatest part is you don't have to do this alone. We are all on the side lines, if you need a hand. We are there. Be kind to yourself and be TRUE to yourself. HUGS.
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"It's impossible said pride. Its risky said experience. Its pointless said reason. Give it a try whispered the heart - Anonymous (via Tad)
Welcome to MIP! There is alot of experience, strength and hope here and at face to face meetings. There is alot of literature that may help answer your questions. Keep coming back.
Consider yourself lucky that you aren't married to him. Move on. There is a better life waiting for you; look straight ahead and don't lose sight of the prize - your freedom from his abusive behavior. I wish you happiness, health, joy, and peace; all of which you will find if you only allow yourself the pleasure.
Diva
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"Speak your truth quietly and clearly..." Desiderata
Well said!