I need advice - Al-Anon Family Group

Inuyami · Member

I need advice

hotrod · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi Inuyani

I understand your confusion and sadness. Alanon suggests that we make no major life changes until we are 6 months to a year in program unless there is violence in the home. Once violence is a factor we are urged to take care of our safety first and then to begin to learn to use the alanon tools.

Living with this disease we develop many destructive tools in order to survive. One of these tools is we "React" and do not Act. , in our own best interest. We worry about what others think and not what we need.. We keep the focus off ourselves and on others as we keep trying to please them. We forget to take care of ourselves.

In alanon we learn to act and not react , keep the focus on ourselves and live one day at a time.

You know that alcoholism is a disease over which we are completely powerless We did not cause it, cannot control it, cannot determine WHO will recover If your husband is owning the problem and attending AA that is a start. I suggest you continue with alanon, only discuss your relationship with your alanon sponsor and alanon members and keep coming back here.

More will be revealed. .

Mattie · ~*Service Worker*~

The good news is that if he stays in recovery, that will become very clear as the months and years go by. There is no need to rush back, because the truth is not yet clear. If he is serious about recovery, he will pursue it for his own sake, whether or not you return to him, whatever happens down the line. And his recovery will be clear.

Sadly, this is a common pattern: the alcoholic's partner gets burnt out on dealing with alcoholism and leaves. Then the alcoholic has a crisis because it has finally happened, and is desperate to have things back the way they were, and swears up and down that he'll go into recovery, and he believes it fervently. And so the partner (who has been missing him anyway) goes back. But alcoholism is strong, and the motivation is not quite as strong (after all, the partner has come back), and things fall apart. The drinking starts again, typically secretly. Sometimes the first week, sometimes a way down the line. And then the whole thing starts again. I imagine so many of us on these boards have been on that merry-go-round many times.

When the interaction gets physical, that's an extra urgent reason to keep yourself safe.

He has started in AA, and he is full of motivation, but he can't have learned real tools to keep himself healthy in this short amount of time. It often takes a year or more for the drinker to get stable recovery going. And of course there is the sad fact that a significant number of people never make it into longterm sobriety.

Please take very good care of yourself.

InspiredPhotography · Senior Member

Please take care of yourself. There is NEVER a good reason for someone else to place their hands on you. Regardless of circumstances. Hands off, respect on. Keep coming back to Al Anon. Be kind to yourself. Hugs and welcome.

maryjane · ~*Service Worker*~

Give yourself the gift of time. If you are comfortable where you are then stay there. If you are comfortable having him live away from you, then continue. Really keep the focus on what makes you happy and comfortable. In AlAnon we learn to keep the focus on our own happiness. Not the alcoholic, not the parents or in-laws, not the neighbors or co-workers. As we focus on ourselves we learn things about ourselves that we forgot. We don't react to what happens, we act in our own best interest. We respect ourselves. One day at a time, we recover.

nmike · ~*Service Worker*~

Take care of yourself. One day at a time. And in Alanon they tell us to focus on ourselves. Keep coming back and try going to face to face meetings.

Nancy

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

Myself I joined an abused womens support group. I needed to learn about what makes a man abuse. It has nothing to do with him being an AH. He is an abuser in recovery for drugs or not.

It's just that some drugs lower their inhibitions and the truth of thing they keep inside come out, cheating is another one.

I am not one to pussy foot around. I don't believe anyone should stay with another who puts their hands on you. that is terribly dangerous and also a huge boundary he stepped over. It is well known and said if they put their hands on you, they will kill you. Once that line is crossed they will cross it again.

We encourage each other to take care of our needs. Allow the A the dignity to take care of his own. We can go to Al Anon meetings, read up on addiction one kind being alcoholism. Read al anon literature, come here.

We all relate to our loved ones concerns. That is what makes us learn as much as we can about the disease. I said to a friend, well what if your husband had a brain disease not of his own choosing, would you leave him? Your AH is very sick.

I told people he is sick. BUT when he started abusing, that was when I no longer could or would ever live with him again. That is a whole new issue.

I am so glad you are here. Please, take it slow. This is not an overnight thing. It's ok to take a breather where you are. You have made a decision already, you don't know what to do! So with that, I would stick where I was until I did. That is my way in many decisions.

For us to fall into their manipulations, that is what A's do, we lose ourselves. WE do them no favors by going back. Everyone needs to learn there are consequences for their behavior. For us to take that away from them, they will never learn.

Sending you hugs, believe me we know how you are hurting and are here for you! love,debilyn

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.