Gotta get this off my chest - Al-Anon Family Group

mehere80 · Member

Gotta get this off my chest

Pushka · ~*Service Worker*~

This is going to sound pretty blunt and trust me when I say I can empathise with your situation in many different ways.

No one promised me that life was fair or it was easy. The only thing I can do as a human being is do the best that I can with what I have got. You have gotten some rotten eggs to say the least .. life is like that for some. I don't know why it is or can seem harder for some than others. It isn't fair in the best of circumstances let alone dealing with what is on your plate now. I find my perspective even when it's not fair helps when I change my attitude towards the situation and try and find something good out of it.

When I can accept what is hard in my own life and then give it over to my HP (whom I choose to call God) things get a whole lot less complicated. I stop trying to push my will and allow things to unfold the way that God has them planned for me, the kids and even my stbax.

Your feelings are yours and they are valid .. feelings aren't facts and they do pass. Justifiable resentments are the hardest to let go of and deal with because every sane person on the planet would feel the same way. I'm pretty sure that small bonfires would be ensuing around my yard if someone else was dealing with some of the stuff going on. I am really dealing with many different resentments on many levels at the moment and it sucks because I get to pray for the person who I feel resentful towards and that is one big bitter pill to swallow. I have to do it not for them .. for me. That old saying that resentments are like taking poison waiting for the other person to die. Well, crap that means I have to do some work. I am in a place now where I'm just praying for the willingness in this situation.

I think you have expressed yourself wonderfully and maybe reading what you have written here to your sponsor would help you get some perspective on what is going on. Just a suggestion .. I know I get all tangled up in words especially when it comes to trying to express what I'm feeling when it's very intense.

Hugs P :)

Jerry F · ~*Service Worker*~

Aloha Mehere...I understand where you are at right now cause that is where I use to camp out also. Me standing straight up tall giving my alcoholic/addict the "Al-Anon hand shake" one finger pointing straight out at her with three point back at me and all of them wagging up and down, up and down vigorously. If I didn't have her to blame in my life I had nothing at all so I was stuck in victimhood. Forgive her?!! Never!! Then what would I do? Oh...isn't that your "But now what"? question kinda, sorta?

Maybe its too early for a 4th step. His crap makes you sick and you gotta look at the crap you've done? I had to take my 4th step in little little bites because it seemed to me that while the alcoholic/addicts behaviors and consequences were holding me victim that I was about to victimize myself also at the same time. I went back to the last half of step one and then power lifted steps 2 and 3 until I had a love affair going with my HP. Saved my butt cause step 4 for me became working with a steam pressure washer. You're feeling bad and angry and you point out at him and I know for me that while I did that I chastized myself for getting in a relationship and a marriage with my alcoholic/addict. I wasn't only blaming her and them...I was relentlessly blaming myself. As I was taught by my sponsor "There is no way anyone can survive that for long".

Let him go and Let God...its okay thats the first management step...getting into self management. Then go camp out in the palms of your Higher Power's hands and focus on the warm and softness of it and the quiet acceptance and then go to the decision as mentioned in step three...Turn yourself over also...absolutely.

In support (((((hugs))))) smile

mehere80 · Member

Thank you so much Pushka and Jerry for your kind words. It is really very comforting.

Jerry you are so right- as long as I'm a victim it's because I'm victimizing myself. Weird oxymoron of it is that I hate being a victim and I resent anyone who has anything to do with me being there! I really don't want to be in this place I am. I know it is of my own doing. I don't know why after a year I can't shake these deep rooted feelings- it does get much less at times and stronger other times. I want to forgive completely, I honestly do. I think you are absolutely right, it's too early for step 4 for me. At one point I think I was almost ready, I tried starting and since then haven't gotten very far- and in the meantime I've slipped backwards some. Working so much means less time to take care of myself, but I do attend face to face at least once a week which I decided is non-negotiable.

Pushka I believe it must be by the grace of my higher power that I got to Al-anon and when I'm thinking rationally and using my program brain I remind myself that his DUI got me to Al-anon and him on the track of getting better. Almost immediately I was able to absorb that I had to stop trying to control everything all the time, and allow my husband the dignity to make his own decisions- whether I liked what he chose or not. I stopped putting him so far beneath me and our relationship completely changed almost immediately.

My sponsor has told me "turn it over" so many times that I'm sure by now she wishes I'd just tattoo it on my hand already. While I am a fast learner, even moreso I'm stubborn and hard headed. I admit I still struggle with my relationship with my HP. I believe it stems from growing up in an abusive alcoholic home, I became involved with the church with my neighbors and I would pray for help- it never came, and well.... I have quite a bit more work to do there.

Thanks for the hugs :)

maryjane · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi,
The focus has to be on loving yourself. I notice that whatever I focus on gets bigger in my mind....that includes anger and resentment and hatred and all the other things that are so easy to wallow in. Even in our AlAnon opening we state that we are not there to talk about the alcoholic. We are there to talk about our own recovery from the things that have happened to us, around us, over us, under us and affected us. We have to recover. We can't live in fantasyland but we can look reality in the face and then say, "what about ME" and "I am going to take care of ME".

Allow life to unfold as it happens. Enjoy the parts you can of where you are right now. Enjoy your kids. Enjoy your house. Enjoy your food. Accept the good parts of today and focus on that. You can decide what to do about the future as the future unfolds. Worrying about it ahead of time is wasted motion. Trust in your HP.

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

When I changed all the he did this or he did that to the disease did this or that, my life changed. Your husband has a very scary disease. It negatively affects every part of his life. Being an addict is having a set of certain symtoms. Not making good decisions seems to be one of them.

Which makes sense as whether they are in recovery or not, their body has been damaged.

When I really accepted and believed it was a disease everything changed. I became more compassionate.

Many of us have written your same share here. We too sure did not want our lives like this.Being married or loving an A is not going to be anything like being married to a non A. I don't believe in sharing bank accounts or my name on anything with him.He has a horrible disease, no way am I going to set us up like that.

I learned to detach from the disease and just love him for whatever he could give, even if it was just sitting next to me holding my hand.

I hope you will keep coming. I am not saying you have to forget anything or whatever. This is for YOU. When we look at it in a different way we feel better.

keep coming! love,debilyn

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.