The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I do remember the feeling that I didn't know who I was anymore, which was just a sign of changing, going sane was going to feel like going insane, I was told. So, you are okay, my friend, totally okay. I have lost my emotional sobriety too, many, many times.
I took my anger out on my kids and pets too, because I certainly couldn't direct it at my AH. So my anger would come out sideways, inappropriately and unfairly. I had certainly lost my loving perception many times, they always said I had a disease of perception. I continue to make amends to my children, and to all members of the animal kingdom. I work this program to change ME, I never again want to be who I was in the past.
You brought your anger here, I applaud you for that. You got a great response from Pushka. This is where we do our vomiting to get all that poison out, with a fellowship who understands so that we can avoid any harm we do to our loved ones because in recovery, I am responsible for my behavior. Good job. I, too, suggest meetings and sponsorship because those tools I simply cannot live without. I cannot do this on my own, I need a "we" program to be accountable to.
And I especially love this reading when I am angry, please take what you like and leave the rest....
"And acceptance is the answer to all my problems today. When I am disturbed, it is because I find some person, place, thing, or situation - some fact about my life - unacceptable to me, and I can find no serenity until I accept that person, place, thing, or situation as being exactly the way it is supposed to be at this moment. Nothing, absolutely nothing, happens in God's world by mistake.... Unless I accept life completely on life's terms, I cannot be happy. I need to concentrate not so much on what needs to be changed in the world as on what needs to be changed in me and my attitudes."
-- Edited by glad lee on Tuesday 4th of September 2012 04:55:23 PM
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The prayer isn't for Higher Power to change our lives, but rather to change us.
My AH has been in rehab for 30 days today and my life has been a rollercoaster. Some days I am happy and I cope fine but others, like today, I am raging. And I cannot control it. My dogs are cowering in their kennels. Everything my children do sends me over the edge. I am so angry at everything and I don't really know why. Things have been really challenging in the last month; every week we either have a power failure (lasting up to 34 hours) or the water supply is cut due to faults in the system. My youngest has been teething and not sleeping. My recently adopted dog has been weeing all over the house because she is feeling anxious and disconnected from me - my fault because I haven't been able to spend much time with her. The one day that I had planned some time away from my children (1 and 3 years) I had to cancel because my house was threatened by a bush fire. I just can't seem to get a reprieve and I am on the edge of reason a lot of the time.
Having said all that, I have days when I am positive and optimistic; the old me is starting to re-emerge and I love it. Is this Jekyll and Hyde thing a normal part of the recover/healing process or am I certifiable?
Hugs kismet, For me I find it to new a natural process that comes and goes. I can't remember if you go to meetings and have a sponsor. Honestly that is what has gotten me through those moments. What I have found is it's like a delayed reaction to everything that has been happening and all the things I haven't allowed myself to feel. Now that I'm feeling it's the rage that comes in first and then the other feelings of sadness, vulnerability, all of that I have denied myself. Working the steps, especially step 4, it makes a big difference. It takes time. Resentments about having to do it all while valid are not going to propel me further into healing. Hugs, keep coming back it does get better. P ;)
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
That is my favorite quote from the Big Blue Book, I refer to it when I need to stop the world and get off.
Thanks for the reminder. One thing we can control and have power over is our minds. We must become the masters, not the other way around, even in the worst of circumstance.
I think the Jekyll and Hyde thing is perfectly normal. At least I hope it is or I'm certifiable too. Wish I could offer some advice but it's something I'm trying to figure out how to deal with as well. So, for whatever it's worth, you're definitely not alone.
You are doing fine You are finally able to feel your feelings and own them. Good for you. Living with the disease of alcoholism we develop many destructive tools that enable us to simply survive in an insane environment. Not allowing our feelings to gain a voice and be recognized, pretending all is well, denying reality kept me stuck. My inner soul filled with much anger resentment, self pity and fear. and I too felt so empty and lost I learned that this was because I had abandoned myself, my needs my life. No one was taking care of me I as too busy reacting to the alcoholic and not acting in my own best interest.
Alanon meetings helped to break the isolation and gave me constructive tools to live by
Please keep coming back you and your family are worth it.
I would pop into a rage at the smallest things and than I would get further down on myself about it. It took me awhile to talk it through with my sponsor and now it is so rare if I fly off the handle like I used to. The anger comes hard and fast and was rarely about what I was raging about in the moment, but it has to get out, can you exercise when you feel yourself getting there. I did learn to channel it for weight loss for awhile. I hope you are making it to meetings. Sending you love and support!
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Sending you love and support on your journey always! BreakingFree
Al-Anon/Alateen Family Group Headquarters, Inc. 800-344-2666
" Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional."
"Serenity is when your body and mind are in the same place."
Thanks everyone. You are so right hotrod... after years of being told that my feelings about any given situation are inappropriate, or just plain wrong, I have become the maestro at reasoning with my own feelings to make them go away! Crazy huh?! Phew the anger that wells up is quite frightening and I hope I process it all sooner rather than later. I would love to have the time to exercise but with two small children and a business to run I barely have time to wash my hair never mind exercise! I will get my time for myself when my AH is back from rehab. Just gotta be patient.
