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I am ready to move on. After the suicide attempt last week, my AH is in 30 day treatment program. I know it is time to tell him we can't live under the same roof anymore. Does anyone have any advice on how you expressed this to your A in the most healthy way possible. I don't want to trudge out my laundry list of all the horrible things he has done to me over the years, but I also feel he needs to hear why I can't take anymore, he is a master at portraying me as the bad guy and won't discuss his bad behavior EVER, he simply doesn't want to hear it. Since being in rehab 4 days he has already screamed demands at me (I didn't pack the right stuff for him), complained about the facility (no one is taking care of his medical issue) and told me that I shouldn't bother coming to therapy if I'm just going to sit there and read my list of complaints to make him look bad. His words exactly "if you can't forgive and forget then I don't want to hear it". Ugh.
Any advice, I don't want to send him in a rage, but I need to communicate that we can't live together any more and I need my space. From there I will worry about divorce. Thanks all!
Owning my part in the insanity always helped to fa ciliate any discussion. I would get with my sponsor, do a 4th and 5th Step on the relationship, own the exact nature of MY wrongs (with my sponsor) and then, after seeing the picture with clarity I would be able to discuss why I needed to separate and regain myself and my sanity.
Alanon taught me to own my stuff, examine my motives, say what I mean, mean what I say and not say it mean . I would remember to "Keep the focus on yourself, your needs and Let Go and Let God".
My A hates any kind of confrontation, even calm confrontation, and in fact hates to be in the same room with people. He has Asperger's and likes to be at a distance. So I did something that might not be appropriate for other people. He was on a trip and I sent him an e-mail. I said something like, "You know that I have trouble with your drinking, and the situation is ongoing, so I think the time has come to separate. When you get back you can look for a place nearby, which I'm sure you'd be able to find by the end of the month. Best, Mattie." He wrote back and said, "Well, I'm not surprised. Okay." He had more than three weeks to look for a place, which he found easily, and that was that. For us that worked best because a face-to-face confrontation would have freaked him out, no matter how calm I was (if I had been able to remain calm -- that in itself would have been a challenge).
I had already told him things like, "I know you think your drinking is fine. For me it is not fine, it causes big problems. I know we won't agree about it and so I have to do what's necessary to protect myself." At first he would argue and make out like I was crazy, but later he'd just roll his eyes and stomp around a little. It was when I tried to get him to understand or acknowledge my point of view that it was like I was beating my head against a wall.
I think the thing is that they know their drinking is out of control. They would just rather give in to the horrible cravings than face it. But I don't think we actually add any information to their minds. They really do know, just like we know when we eat the chicken-fried steak and the big piece of cake that we shouldn't be doing it. The self-hatred is already pretty strong. So I don't think we need to think, "Unless I say this they'll never know it."
I had a panic attack as he was actually moving his things out. I thought, "This is all a big mistake!" My friends told me, "Remember when he did X and Y and Z? You are making a good choice!" They were right and I was just having a momentary panic. By that evening, when he was gone, I felt great peace and have never doubted myself since.
I focused on me. "It's time for me to take care of myself", "I can't have this in my life anymore", "I need to focus on my issues and get stronger". I can't convince the other person that my choice is best for them, only that its best for me. I did not bring up the past at all, he knew what he'd done. But everything I said was true and from the heart.
He tried to argue and I did not dismiss his needs or feelings but stuck to me. "You understand why I can't have this in my life". He ultimately got it, and without too much of a struggle. But that was only an 8 month relationship.
When I left my exH, I did everything wrong and I am still setting boundaries 5+ years later. Breaking up anything long term is much more difficult.
Hugs to you. Remember you don't have to decide right this minute how to handle everything. Small steps.
Good advice from you both. Thank you. I am so confused right now about how to handle this. My AH is erratic at best, confrontational about everything and can be mean as a snake. How ironic that he can't see that all the tools he tries to use to bully me into staying is exactly why I have to leave. I am hoping to handle this conversation properly so he is the one to move out, if he decides to dig his heels in when he gets out of rehab and come home it means I have to move out. I really don't want to do that, I know we will never be able to sell the house if he stays there, I am trying to think ahead but boy is it hard. Mattie, I too am worried I am going to panic when the time comes for him to really move out, I keep rereading my journal to remind myself how I got here, it helps me not glamourzie the past. Truthfully we had more bad days than good, that is not the kind of life anyone should live. Thanks all, you are all my rocks. ts
I found using the least amount of words and repeating JADE over and over to myself to have the best outcome in my situation. Over-explaining my needs often opened avenues of manipulation and conflict that were repeats of old conversations. I found that if I was trying too hard to make myself understood and to validate my needs that I was right back on my own rollercoaster of giving my exAH's needs more value than my own.
I echo what the others have posted, and Jennifer's message is exactly the teachings of my sponsor..... He used to encourage me - once you have definitively made your decision - to walk swiftly forward, and don't look back....
Extra words and explanation, to an active A, tend to be grounds for increased manipulation, in my experience.
Take care
Tom
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"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
I've always tried my best to stick with "I" statements in regards to anything potentially controversial.
When I told my ex I wanted a divorce, I simply told him "I'm not happy anymore." And that was the truth. The rest of the conversation flowed based on his reaction, which fortunately was not horrible. Just sad.
I think it was along the lines of "I can't live this way any longer." He had stated he wanted to dump me many times and the last time he did it, I was ready so I just said "Ok. We are broken up then." He was stunned that I wasn't crying or pleading. I called my 1 remaining best friend at the moment and explained the situation and asked if I could stay with her. Of course she said yes. All that while, my now ex-A was crying and screaming "Don't leave!" and "If you walk out that door don't ever come back!" and then he went on the patio and started saying "I can't stand to watch you just walk out of our life."
I just kept on walking and it was the best thing I ever did cuz from there, I walked into my own recovery program and a much happier life. In that moment and for a bit afterwards, it was really difficult though.
your question was, "what words did you use to tell him it's over?" My answer is simple. "OUT! NOW!" He knew by the tone that I had reached my limit. He knew it was finished. So did I.
I wish you all the best,
Diva
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"Speak your truth quietly and clearly..." Desiderata
