The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Mom,
This is a difficult email to write.
I remember finding you passed out several times during my childhood. Once you were on the couch and for a moment I thought you were dead. I checked to see if you were breathing and after deciding you were alive I curled up at your feet and cried. I remember walking over your passed out body in hallway. I was scared and felt alone.
I want and will keep my children away from the insanity and pain that is alcoholism. When you are drinking you are unreliable. Plans have to be changed. Everyone has to walk on eggshells. Oliver, Olivia and Jasper deserve better.
This isn't something that you will talk about with me so I'm writing. I'm thinking right now about how to proceed. My first priority is to protect my children. I've already had to talk with them about alcoholism. They are five and four. They don't need to know the word alcoholism.
Never underestimate the powers of denial.
Your Daughter,
Jaclyn
-- Edited by Anxioussockmonkey on Tuesday 4th of September 2012 01:03:38 AM
It did make me feel better I think. I want her to know how her actions effect me. I'm trying to decide how much and if I want her in my life. Its hard, really hard. She is very controlling and will take my father and mentally retarded autistic sister with her. Thank you for your response. I have a meeting (my first) that I plan to attend on Sat. She is who she is - Only I can change. I don't want that in my children's life. I probably will need to make amends to my kids for allowing her in for the first five years of their lives. ASM
-- Edited by Anxioussockmonkey on Tuesday 4th of September 2012 09:42:08 AM
(((Jaclyn))) I hope writing the email made you feel better. I also hope you don't expect it to make a difference in your Mom's drinking. She will make a change if and when she is ready to do so and not before, no matter what anyone says or writes to her. Keep on taking care of you and your children and leave your Mom in HP's hands. Sending you positive thoughts and support.
This was a big deal for me. Maybe I should have said more to her about keeping her out of my life. I have never put restrictions on her. I'm proud of myself for writing it but does anyone have any suggestions. Sort of a rules of engaging alcoholics. I need to go to a meeting I know it'll have to wait till Sat.
I have very vivid memories of my Dad passing out on the floor - sometimes in a pool of vomit - sister & I had to clean up the mess. No child should have to deal with something like that but life is not fair as they say.
My children were never allowed to see this kind of stuff and I make no apologies for not letting them spend much time around my Dad....and never alone with him. It was made very clear to Dad that if he wanted to have a relationship with his G'kids, it had to be a sober one. That was a boundary I set and I never waivered and never felt guilty.
What did you say to your father? I need the words. I turn into someone else it seems when I try and talk to her. I feel guilty and like I'm being bad. This is part of the alcoholic dynamics I'm starting to understand. Thank you for sharing.
My words were short & to the point: "Dad, I will not allow the kids to be around you when you are drinking nor will they be allowed to leave the house with you in the car." Before I had my children, my Dad took my 3yr nephew with him to go out to a farm where he worked -- after several hrs, we started looking for them & found them in a bar. Dad drunk at the bar and the nephew dancing in the middle of the floor entertaining the other drunks. Right there and then my husband & I decided that his access to our future children would be limited and supervised.
We do not need to justify our words/actions or go into the ''why" when we set boundaries. You are their parent, legal guardian and you owe no one a detailed explanation - it is what it is - not open for discussion.
We moved a couple of hrs away from my family and we did tell my dad that he was welcome to come visit anytime but there would be no drinking in my home - In 20yr, he came to visit 3 times ...
My grandpa had me (as a child) at the bars, too. I think a little physical distance is a good. Thank you for sharing your words. I'll probably copy them verbatim. I'm not usually a timid or passive person. Around her its so strange. I lose myself. We just moved back home been really (Alaska) far away for awhile. Having my children around her is horrifying. No one protected me, the same will not be true for them. Thank you again Path. This is new territory for me and I really appreciate your help. My mother is so pushy. She is always trying to get around the rules. I will have to continually slap her wrists no doubt. I think when we are financially capable I'm leaving to set up my own safe zone.
My father is an A same as my mother. They are both divorced. My dad came down this August from out west. He was NOT allowed to drink in my home. He had a tough time with that. Three years prior we again had them at our place. He wasn't allowed any alcohol in my home, he went as far as not even having a drink when we went to the restaurants (for three dinners that week). He respected my wishes. You have to stand up for what you believe in. Drinking around kids just makes them numb. It is NOT normal and I don't wish my children to experience that. Keep coming back to the meetings. You are def on the right foot! HUGS. Welcome.
__________________
"It's impossible said pride. Its risky said experience. Its pointless said reason. Give it a try whispered the heart - Anonymous (via Tad)
