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Just want to input my perspective on moving on with life,
I was married at 18 to my first husband for 8 years, thats also the Father of my 45 year old daughter and the one that kidnapped her when she was 6 and we were not reunited til she was 25, we went on Dr. Phil to tell our story.( That is a long story, which I will not go into here)
Then married a 2nd time to a man 8 years, that was exiting and foreign(arab) he became a millionaire. We had a son , born with congenital heart defect and sadly passed away at 2 years old. My husband couldnt handle the loss, started using cocaine,suffered a heart attack and two mental breakdowns, we lost everything, he took to the streets. We divorced, he passed away 20 years ago.
Onto husband three , married 26 years, known him for 30 years, and you all know about that roller coaster ride. We have been apart 5 years. Started Alanon within 6 months of the marriage, a friend had introduced me to the H.O.W. program of overeaters , did the twelve steps and onto Alanon from there.
Today, so busy taking care of myself from all the fall out of marriage , I dont even have time to think about dating or another relationship. What, I have been married 42 years of my life, dont you think thats enough shared time with another person. its time for me to be single, even if its for the rest of my life, that will be ok.
I dont think of my life as ever being stuck or in limbo either, even when I was married to the A, Its just life, as difficult or unfair as it can get at times. I figure, we are never promised a Rose garden. My Mother is always putting me down for my life , mostly my husbands. I just tell her, as bad as it was, its my life with no regrets and Im grateful for the good things that these men did bring to my life. Even the first husband who stole my daughter, he lived above the law and was a criminal, but if I never married him, I wouldnt have the beautiful daughter and great relationship I do have now. I also know that things end and there are new beginnings. I think the question we have to ask ourselves before making any decisions is, will I have regrets. We just have to get to the other side with a little help from our friends and Alanon and Hope and appreciation for our lives.
Hugs, Bettina
-- Edited by Bettina on Monday 3rd of September 2012 03:07:30 PM
-- Edited by Bettina on Monday 3rd of September 2012 03:09:32 PM
-- Edited by Bettina on Monday 3rd of September 2012 03:10:40 PM
-- Edited by Bettina on Monday 3rd of September 2012 03:13:59 PM
when I get impatient because my "life agenda" is not proceeding according to my expectations this is what i do
1) I LAUGH. Do I really think I can control everything in my life? OY. "But I WANT WHAT I WANT, WHEN I WANT IT" my inner baby whines...
2) I remind myself that it took 28 years of marriage to get where I was 2 years ago when I separated from my A. Do I really expect things to get better and have magical clarity in life after such a short time?
If things started unraveling for you 3 years ago, it may take 3 years (at least) to re-ravel things back up...
Breathe. Rest in and accept the uncertainty. A significant amount of uncertainty is part of ALL of our lives...in fact, I am really SCARED of people who seem to be SO SURE of their lives...they are just but one bus accident away from chaos themselves. That is the nature of things.
I tell myself "accept the uncertainty" and it helps with my fear..
HUGS.
-- Edited by rehprof on Monday 3rd of September 2012 04:23:21 PM
-- Edited by rehprof on Monday 3rd of September 2012 04:24:35 PM
Wondering today what have I actually accomplished. I left my relapsing AH who had actually done very little sobriety in the past year that things have really been bad. He has always drank too much (hidden much more than I even knew) and really went off the rails about 3 years ago. He has severe withdrawl symtoms and is terrified of going through that again which I think is a big reason why he puts off getting medical help again but he lacks the willpower to taper off slowly so he is really between a rock and a hard place. He evidently just lacks the will to detox once and have that be it so I felt that we were just living this nightmare over and over again.
When I left about a month ago, I felt like a weight had been lifted off of me and I have very much stuck to telling him what my boundaries are and what the conditions for establishing any kind of contact (other than business) have to be. When I talk to him, it seems as if he is making some positive steps but I am not around him or talking to him much so I can't verify it. I also don't believe much of what he says, so who knows?
So, in a nutshell . . . I am living in my parent's home and although they are good to me, I'm homesick. I am stuck with all of the animals because he is too irresponsible to take care of them consistently. I feel like it's too early to "move on" too much because I am still harboring a hope that he will make the changes to get better and I'm not emotionally ready to throw in the towel. I have divided up the bills between the two of us so that he will have some of the responsibility of taking care of some of the finances where I have been doing it all. I am spending lots of time reading alanon literature and coming here and have done a few f2f meetings but I'm not feeling it. I think I am going to try on-line this week.
Good changes, I know, but how long does this go on? Where do I finally say you haven't taken advantage of the time I've given you and so I'm done? Feeling very confused and hopeless today. I want to have a serious, sincere talk with him but it doesn't seem possible. Could use an objective opinion of my situation today.
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"Just being there for someone can sometimes bring hope when all seems hopeless." - Dave G Llewellyn
I know for me that I've gone through similar feelings as to what you describe. For me what I have discovered is that feelings aren't facts and I need to pay attention to the HALT (I use HHALT, Hormonal, Hungry, Angry, Lonely, Tired). So I can just allow the feelings to come and know that they are going to pass. Usually when I have something along the lines of what you are describing I wait at least 72 hours before making a decision.
You don't have to make any decisions today. I have primary responsibility for the kids meaning 8 days out of the month he takes them for over night or an afternoon. The sad thing is that I look back on my life and think WOW .. I stopped living and had stopped for many years. We didnt' go anywhere, do anything, .. talk about being in limbo. At the moment I'm in a limbo of a different type. The nice thing is that the kids and I are doing things and forming our own nuclear family. We attended the labor day parade today and had a BLAST!!! It is something we used to go and watch my stbax march in and I was sad that he didn't participate in it this year however .. he def needs the money more. In my case I'm not interested in reconsiliation .. there isn't just water under the bridge a sunami has come taken out the bridge. That is my own choice and situation, .. you are going to find what will work for you. I know many wonderful people on the boards who are living with their active A's as well as reconsiled with their sig other and given it another chance so it can happen. I am not in a place to do that, plus with the kids I need something more in my life. Bottom line no one has the right to make that decision for you .. it's totally up to you.
I don't know that things would have been easier if I had stayed, I would have had a lot more to deal with I would have had to work such a strong program of recovery and not that I don't think I work a decent program .. my program isn't that strong at this point I'm way to easily sucked in to things. I can't imagine him in the house during this time I would have gone crazy. With him gone the relief of what I have to deal with vs what I don't .. HGUE.
Anyway, I hope you are able to get out and get a walk in today or do something for yourself it makes such a difference. I would also encourage you to do a graditude list from A - Z and think about what you have to be grateful for today in this moment.
Hugs P :)
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
Yes, those are good things that you're doing for yourself and splitting the bills is respecting yourself and a lesson in life on life's terms for him. As far as how long you should wait? It's going to take what it takes. Just like you, I wasn't feeling it either when I first came to f2f meetings. Basically, it gave me something to do while I was away from him and an opportunity to have coffee after a meeting (my only socialization) with people from the meeting and a chance let out my feelings at the meeting after the meeting as its sometimes called. Nobody said I had to get the program, they just said keep coming back. I like online too very much - just no in person hugs and I look forward to those and seeing everybody these days. :) There were times I felt resentful about all the changes it seemed I was forced to make due to his disease but lots of reading about the disease of alcoholism helped at least somewhat with that. Then of course it crossed my mind that a wife might not have to do any reading at all if there was no alcoholic/addict husband in her life. Hmmmm I found out that I was affected by alcoholism either way and Alanon recovery was still a good idea for me. All these years later I still keep coming back mainly because I like meetings.
We need to just keep taking care of ourselves and trust the process one day at a time. Keeping our hearts and minds open helps us to find answers and make decisions. You'll know when you make decisions what they are driven by if you are honest with yourself. Due to your AH alcohol abuse, you might get answers now but they won't necessarily come from clear thinking. Your living situation is inconvenient, the care for all the animals is a lot. You're doing the best you can. Your husband may be doing the best he can too to get well. When he realizes he can't fix himself, he might seek help but there are no guarantees. There's hope and understanding for you here and recovery. With time in this program we're able to make decisions based on awareness and knowledge and identifying how we're really feeling instead of reacting to someone else's behavior. Keep coming back. Thank you for sharing. TT
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Surround yourself with people and elements that support your destiny, not just your history.
Hmm... my 'objective opinion' would be that you sound like many newbies in AA, who try AA meetings once or twice, and decide - nah, I can figure this stuff out on my own....
As Al-Anons, our circumstances/sickness might not be nearly as lethal as our A counterparts, but it is still very important, and a key to our longterm serenity and happiness.... "dabbling" in your recovery ain't likely to bring you any epiphany or amazing success.... we get out of it what we put into it... just sayin'....
Take care, and I hope you find a way to dive head first into YOUR recovery
Tom
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"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
A combo of Tom and Reprof's statements is where I am at. You are expecting change too fast with him. Furthermore, your focus is too much on him and him making changes and you are ignoring you and that is what alanon is about (focusing on you). What do you want for yourself?
