The material presented
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The disease affected me with distorted thinking, that's why I would feel guilty. One minute, I was strong in the reality of it all, the next minute my disease had me doubting myself, I'd start feeling selfish, second-guessing my decisions, etc. etc. His disease could easily trigger my own, because I would BELIEVE the crazy things he said. And even the things I would start thinking, I never had the recovered sense to ask myself, "Is this true??" Is it true that an alcoholic should be considerate? Is it his insanity, or my own, when I think an alcoholic should be anything other that what he is??
It appears to me that you have a good sense of detachment going, un-hooking yourself physically, emotionally and spiritually, accepting the day as a gift for YOU to do something that will bring you more peace, and I applaud you for that, I hope you continue to enjoy your day!! You can communicate a boundary to him, but for me, telling an alcoholic what my boundaries are is like telling him where I tied my goat, and he seemed to enjoy going after it. If I do set a boundary for an alcoholic, I learned that I stand a better chance of maintaining serenity if I hold no expectation that he's not going to pee all over it. The one who REALLY needs to know my boundary is ME, I'm the one who needs to determine my limits and to act accordingly for MY benefit and well-being. Because my serenity is that important for me today, I'm the one who needs to have a plan B. and C. and maybe D. Those plans are how I will take care of myself, should I feel the need to.
Trying to "help" an alcoholic is a bottomless pit, I just didn't have the power to "help" enough, and my life became unmanageable whenever I thought I did.
-- Edited by glad lee on Monday 3rd of September 2012 09:36:01 PM
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The prayer isn't for Higher Power to change our lives, but rather to change us.
Why do I feel guilty? He's been in bed for 4 days so my son and I decide to go see a movie and go eat this afternoon. I asked AH if he wanted to go and he said no. So I am gone 20 minutes and he is calling trying to make me feel bad about leaving him alone. Why didn't I go get him some lunch and bring back to him before I went to the movies? Then calls again telling me his truck won't start and come back to jump it. Then he says he doesn't want to stay at home all day. Seriously??? Just let me and my son enjoy our day! Lord knows we need it after the weekend we've had!!! I assume he will end up at the liquor store while we are gone but I am not going to babysit, I am but going to worry about him drinking and I am not gonna feel guilty about spending some time with my son!
Jamie - these are boundaries that need to be communicated to him even though he will whine and start an argument. You can walk away from the argument and self-centered BS that his likely response will be, but keeping this all to yourself is just a huge resentment building and building and building. His behaviors are not acceptable and you don't have to tolerate them.
This doesn't mean up and leave and it doesn't mean get into screaming arguments about his behavior either.
You feel guilty because we're too darn compassionate!! Don't answer and remember you left him alone because that was HIS choice. It's very empowering once you start to do it. :) good luck and enjoy the time with your son.
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"Just being there for someone can sometimes bring hope when all seems hopeless." - Dave G Llewellyn
Why answer the phone? I guess at this point it just scares me not to. He's so mean and nasty if he he thinks I am ignoring him. Avoiding more conflict, like me not actually telling him what my boundaries are. Scared of the consequences.
yeah! good for you! you gave him a choice to go with you and your son. he declined. so you went anyhow. WONDERFUL! great detatchment and decision making! he is probably scratching his head thinking, "what the hell just happened here?" hope you had a great time with your son..
He did manage to go the weekend without drinking even tho he was in bed from Thursday night on. He seems a little worried about things this time because my actions were different than he expected. I'm not sitting around babying him and I feel good about it. Just because he wants to check out of reality doesn't mean I have to just sit and let my life pass by waiting on him.
Thanks for the support! Feeling good this morning!
¨Just because he wants to check out of reality doesn't mean I have to just sit and let my life pass by waiting on him.¨ Yes! I'm glad you enjoyed some time out with your son. You have no reason to feel guilty.
If he doesn't want to live without the four walls of his room, then he can't control you to do the same. You are two seperate people. You are a partner and not a babysitter. Sad that he wants to drag you down. You did great by leaving and allowing life to contiune. :) I hope you had a great time at the movies! What did you end up seeing with your son?
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"It's impossible said pride. Its risky said experience. Its pointless said reason. Give it a try whispered the heart - Anonymous (via Tad)
Inspired...I made it his day, his choice. He wanted Olive Garden and to see The Campaign. That would not have been my first choice for a movie, but we laughed and had a great time! He's a great kid and I love that even being almost 16 he doesn't mind hanging out with mom.
