The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
The truth of the matter is you cannot make him better, he has to want to do that for himself.
This disease of alcoholism is too overwhelming for the spouses and family members of an active alcoholic. You have turned to us because you are feeling the effects of this destructive disease. Alanon can make it better for you and the every day living with the ups and downs that Im sure you have felt.
As its been suggested, try to seek out a face to face Alanon meeting in your community. Some dialogue and some listening to understand the philosophy of the program and to educate yourself on the tools it takes to live with this disease, and not to be taken lightly. This is a disease and we have to accept that fact.
You can keep coming back to our board and there will be plenty of responses of experience and Hope.
Hugs, Bettina
-- Edited by Bettina on Monday 3rd of September 2012 01:20:02 PM
I have just joined this forum because I'm getting to my wits ends with my husband and his alcoholism. We've been married for a year now and together for three and a half. I knew about his drinking before we even began to date but had no idea how bad it was until much later in our relationship. It seems like every friday and he gets into it really hard and then on sunday tries to quit again. He's tried to quit countless times; usually only lasts a couple days but he's one went six months without a drop. That was a month or two after his mother died. (Mind you my husband is only 25 and took this very hard as we all would.)
I am looking for advice and support. I love my husband very much and would do anything to make him better, however these constant relapses and the continual anger with or without beer is taking it's tole on my mentally and emotionally. When we wake up in the morning I have to avoid him for an hour at least as to not catch any of the anger he radiates (which could be caused by anything from the cat meowing, no food in the fride, a bad dream, or his father making an innocent comment). I do all I can to calm him down but usually to no avail.
I am doing all I can to support my husband but am lost as to how to really help and am beginning to think there is nothing I can do. I've spent hour reading different techniques but everything just flops. He is resistant to seeking help and I feel like when I offer him my help and he doesn't take it, I'm the one to blame for all the pain and anger he's going through.
My mother's father was a ragin alcoholic, my father was for a while but calmed down as us kids grew up, and both of my brother's seem to be developing problems. For my husband, three out of four of his grandparents where alcoholics, his mother and father both have/had drinking problems and his brother as well. He grew up in a family where virtually everyone was drinking and he thinks of it as nothing but second nature to have a can/bottle in hand. With all this history and his past of drinking; is there even any room for me to help anymore?
I feel so helpless in my situation though I know there are millions of ways out and millions of people who can help me. It's so hard for me to even consider walking away from our relationship because his anger, suicidal talk/actions, and how much I truely do love him. But it breaks my heart every morning to wake up to him slamming and banging around bacause he's angery and withdrawing AGAIN! I'm not sure how much I can take before I have to just walk away for my own good.
so please please please some one help me figure out what to do.
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Weather by irony or fate, this Al-anon site came into my life when I needed it the most, hours before I even knew I would need it this much. I thank you ALL for your kind words, inspiring stories, and support!
Have you tried attending al-anon meetings? Al-anon won't help you figure out how to gain control him, but it will definitely help you with what you need to be focusing on and the meetings tend to be comforting too.
I'm in the same boat by the way. My husband is an alcoholic and he also appears to be addicted to anger. He's a binge drinker so he goes 3-4 days in between binges. When he drinks he dredges up old memories of things that made him angry or hut and the alcohol intensifies those feelings. Since I'm the one who lives with him he takes it out on me (verbally) from time to time. I too am at my wits end but attending al-anon is helping me make the decisions I need to make for my life, so I think it would do the same for you. For me I'm about ready to choose living alone. I too love my husband very much, but he can't seem to choose sobriety either so this situation is getting very old.
We are all completely powerless over alcohol, so the sooner you get the hang of accepting that fact, the sooner you'll see that there are other options and you really can find serenity in your life regardless of his drinking.
Thank you both so much. I am currently working two jobs (a result of his alcoholism and his lack of motivation) so there is little time for me to seek out such meeting but I am going to try my best
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Weather by irony or fate, this Al-anon site came into my life when I needed it the most, hours before I even knew I would need it this much. I thank you ALL for your kind words, inspiring stories, and support!
Unfortunatelt, hours after writing this my husband and I got into a large fight. I packed my things and am currently typing this from my old bedroom at my parents hours. I just couldn't put myself through it any longer!
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Weather by irony or fate, this Al-anon site came into my life when I needed it the most, hours before I even knew I would need it this much. I thank you ALL for your kind words, inspiring stories, and support!
Alcoholism is infuriating and destructive and it sounds as if you have fully realized that, which is a sign of awareness. Many of us, like our alcoholics, spend many years in denial. The trouble is that the alcoholic pulls everyone around into the insanity too, so that we end up losing perspective and making choices that we wouldn't have made in our healthier days. Al-Anon helps us regain perspective and enables us to start taking good care of ourselves. So it can still be very beneficial even if the alcoholic isn't on the scene. I hope you can read all the threads you can on these boards, get the literature, try online meetings here, find a meeting (they say to try six because they're all different), and learn all you can. It sounds as if you've started ahead of the game in realizing that he's not changing (because they change only on their own time scale if at all) and that life as it was is not sustainable. I hope you'll keep coming back.
Regardless of if the alcoholic in my life is in it or not .. I have to keep coming back. Alcoholism has affected me and continues to do so because it has changed my behavior. The disease became mine as well in terms of my thinking became distorted. I didn't get here over night and it's going to take time to become healthy.
Hugs P :)
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
