Letting Go..... so hard - Al-Anon Family Group

pinkchip · ~*Service Worker*~

Letting Go..... so hard

IWannaFly · Veteran Member

It's going on 2 months of complete craziness with X-ABF. Starting on July 4th when he put the gun to his head. A lot more horrible things have happened since that day. After living together for 6 yrs I asked him to leave. I literally thought I was losing my mind and I had to separate, BUT it still feels like yesterday. Some days the emotions are overwhelming, today is one of those days. This is the longest I've gone without talking to him and its really hard at times. The only communication I have received has been nasty from him. I had to block him from everything including my children's cells. He went after them when he couldn't reach me. I live in a small town so I hear a lot. He's becoming unstable and I fear for him. I know its not mine to fix or rescue, its just hard when you see someone you love hurting themselves.

I wonder how long till I stop caring, I really wish I didn't care! Its my personal hell that I can't discuss with most friends. You know most think I am crazy for caring about someone who has mistreated us so much. I am an ACOA I run from all painful feelings, the survivor voice in my head tells me if I just talk to him it will make the grief go away, at least for a minute, but logically I know how irrational that is. The hardest part is I'm alone a lot since he's gone. My children are older so its just me and the quiet can be my enemy some days. Its twisted tho, I use to pray for peace & quiet.

I torture myself at times, does he know I only wanted the best for him, does he know I love him, does he know I would have done anything for him and on and on...... It feels like I'm going through my own detox from him and it is hard!

hotrod · ~*Service Worker*~

Dear Iwannatofly

Glad that you posted and shared your fear and pain. The last sentence in your post was oh so true "I think I am detoxing from him" is very accurate. Living in an alcoholic relationship caused me to develop attitudes and responses that were destructive and painful.

Alanon meetings helped me to break the loneliness and isolation brought on by this disease. Getting telephone numbers of members opened the door to support from people who understood as few others can and who were working on recovery.

Recovery is an interesting word When I thought about it - for me , it means that I had lost something and soon I discovered I had lost myself . Using alanon tools focusing on myself, living one day at a time lead me to my true self and my needs. I discovered once I take care of my needs I can be happy filled with courage and healthy responses.

Let Go One moment at a time using slogans, and the serenity prayer works for me.

glad lee · ~*Service Worker*~

I love Betty's post, that solution worked for me also. As an ACOA, I felt it was my responsibility to make others happy, and well, etc. etc. I had to keep trying until I had it right. An enormous part of the motivation for me was so that I WOULD BE LOVED in return. In my childhood home, I had to "do" something to be love-able, I had to people-please to earn love.

I just wanted to chime in to remind you, that YOU are love-able as you are, my friend. You don't have to "do" anything to be a valuable human being, you have value and worth given to you by a Power greater than yourself. You no longer have to doubt Higher power's love for YOU. Never forget your true identity.

I am grateful to a program that taught me it was never within my power to help or rescue or save anyone, that role is for a Power Greater too. I am ONLY responsible for my own recovery ((hugs))

IWannaFly · Veteran Member

Validation for me is HUGE! Growing up with 2 addicted parents nothing was ever good enough love was not an option. The complete opposite happened, we were the blame for all their probs, why they abused substances, attempted suicide, physically abused us, etc. I carry that with me into my 40's by being extremely hard on myself and in the dark recesses of my mind I still feel like the trailer park kid with all the shameful secrets. Never successful enough, thin enough, smart enough, etc... But if you met me, my resume and list of accomplishments reads like a who's who and I hide the rest. I logically know all these things, but emotionally, I think my development was stunted and I keep reliving my childhood through my choice of significant others praying for a different outcome to VALIDATE I am good enough to be loved, someone finally loved me enough to stop using and chose me. I know its unrealistic, but the child in me desperately longs for that validation.

The weekends are the worst. I can't be hyper focused on career or other tasks so I focus on him and how he is doing. Some days I am stuck in my personal hell in my head still trying to logically figure out an answer that I know I can't answer. It doesn't stop me from trying in the quiet times.

I know something has began changing in me since the gun incident. I pray this is my turning point. I do feel like this is a gift of desperation, I don't want to be stuck here anymore.

I have SOOO much hardware, I have to giggle about it.

Jerry F · ~*Service Worker*~

((((Fly)))) Sweetie take that last sentence in your post and change the he to me and see how it reads.

I know you know and often times it wasn't what I knew it was what I did. I want the best for me!!.

What a concept!! ((((hugs)))) smile

sonikk · Newbie

i am in an almost parallel situation. except 14 yrs and 2 school aged children. i havent made it to a meeting yet. i moved 200+ miles away from everyone i know instead. he doesnt seek me out, except when he is at his lowest, then he is full of slurred compliments and regret. he doesnt financially, emotionally, or any-ally support our children. i am so tired. your post made me cry. i do that a lot though. sometimes i feel like im the only person in the world that wants the best for him.. the only one who sees who he once was and supported that healthy lifestyle..then again, i think maybe i just make myself believe in something that never really was. its so hard, the letting go. he is vial to me more than kind. yet i still love him. i hope you find the strength you need to get through this. god knows i pray everyday to make me stop loving him..to give me the strength to focus only on our children, to acknowledge myself as a priority..i just hope i can get there.

peace to you

S

IWannaFly · Veteran Member

This weekend has been the worst, which I didn't think was possible. There was so much drama he was on a 4 day bender, threatening everyone, completely acting out. I was his security net and I pulled it from him. I guess he thought I never would; although I questioned that myself at times. I started getting extreme anxiety attacks after he pulled the gun incident and knew he had to go. The messed up part is I'm having more anxiety now that he's gone. Especially when I hear he's in trouble or hurting himself. I tell myself I am doing this out of love letting him learn and sink or swim. Unfortunately it appears he's sinking. His parents allowed him to move back there when I threw him out because of course I've been crazy all these yrs and they were in complete denial. Now after such a short time, they can no longer deny it, the chaos of his drinking has moved to their door step not mine and they want him out. IDK what he'll do, he has nothing and no real friends, just the party buddies. I think he's acting out because he is getting slapped in the face with reality for the first time in his 38 yrs.
Holiday weekends were always hell, but his b day was the worst, and that is next week! So all my obsessions and fears are so escalated for him. I feel a tragedy brewing and I'm terrified for both of us. No matter what, my heart goes with him where he goes, and when he hurts himself no matter how much I detach, my heart breaks for him.

hotrod · ~*Service Worker*~

Dear Iwannafly

I hear you and so understand

You and he will be in my thoughts and prayers

InspiredPhotography · Senior Member

IWF...I understand how you feel. Yes it is painful dealing with such a loss (when you seperate). When you love someone so fiercly. You would almost do anything. At the same time that love needs to be returned to you, same fold. Detox from our own dysfunctional ways, how we grew up living in A's (parents, family etc) patterns and behaviours (yes it is very hard process) but one that is neccessary. Welcome to Al Anon, start to work on yourself. His journey will come eventually. Whether it is with you, or without. For now, allow your HP to heal you and restore what has been lost to you. Hugs.

pinkchip · ~*Service Worker*~

IWF - I can identify with your posts. I can only say for me that I had to realize that I absolutely need to care for myself more than anyone else or I am no good to anyone. I hear you having so much empathy, caring, and pain for him - HOWEVER, your detachment shows that you have that for yourself also. In order to be truly helpful, loving, caring, we have to stock up on enery from the universe (your higher power or whatever) long enough to recharge. You've been riding on his nighmare addiction roller coaster so long that it may not occur to you whose needs ought to be coming first here - yours!

This is his tragedy, his drinking, his alcholism, his screwy friendships or lack there of, his problem to seek help for. You need only focus on you, letting go, connecting to your own higher power, and engaging in self-care. Face to face alanon is probably the best place to really begin practicing those things.

Breakingfree · ~*Service Worker*~

When I found myself alone and spiraling downward in my head I found meetings and people I could relate with and life has only gotten better. I had to learn to take care of me, because in taking care of him I only neglected myself and bottomed out. Hopefully you can find local face to face meetings soon. Sending you love and support!

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.