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My AH is on day 3 of his inpatient treatment center. On day two he called me saying he couldn't wait to get home and be the best husband ever and he was really enjoying the program. He kept going on and on and when I suggested he needed to work on himself and not worry about me or our marriage he went right back to his ole angry self. He started with the 'fine, I won't call you, I don't need you' in a very angry tone, when I told him he didn't need to get mad at me he went into a diatribe about how he was learning so many new skills in rehab and how he wasn't mad, that I was making it up as usual and that he didn't need to expose himself to ME and my negativity! WHAT? So he's had one AA meeting and one group session in rehab and he's an expert now who is going to lecture to me that I'm the one causing the problems. Really! He has not called since. I don't know if the latest evaluation of him being bipolor is what causes him to be insane, I'm not buying into the idea that even if he is bipolor that he doesn't know right from wrong.
I know it's only day 3 of his treatment but I was hoping he would at least make a statement about how much he has hurt me, all the trouble he has wrecked to our home and lives not to mention the financial burdon I have to deal with now due to hospital bills and paying for rehab. As usual his suicide attempt and all the hoops we have all jumped through in the past 5 days is just expected and no one else even gets a second thought from him, of course not the world revolves around him! His head is in the clouds and thinks he will come home without so much as an apology to me and everything will be peachy! I cried for the first time all week after that call. He is just hopeless. Ugh. Happy Monday. ts
Hugs Trudy, I understand how you feel. They have to see it for themselves. Please don't look down on yourself. You know what you are dealing with as far as an alcoholic. You are an amazing person who has kept things steady so far. Be kind to yourself today. Think of the positives and keep going :)
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"It's impossible said pride. Its risky said experience. Its pointless said reason. Give it a try whispered the heart - Anonymous (via Tad)
My Xhusband was in rehab , many times. I was always relieved when he was there and glad for myself. He wasnt allowed to talk to anyone on the phone, only on the day he was released. Im surprised they let your husband call but every rehab is different I guess.
After 3 days,there pretty much detoxed and he probably was feeling the euphoria of not having alcohol or drugs in his system. Its too early to tell . Recovery is a long process for the alcoholic and for us .I know from experience that they have done a lot of collateral damage along the way, somehow the disease doesnt seem to remind them of what they have caused. When they are using there in a stupor and dont seem too much care about anyting. The only relationship the Xhusband seem to care about was the one he had with alcohol.
To me apologies dont mean anything if they keep repeating the same actions and behaviors. This is a good time for you to work on your program . Sounds like you have a very sick man there and the reality of it is they do become our problem and burden as much as we want to detach, we cant detach from the responsibilities that we thought were going to be shared ones.
Trudy, try to take it One Day at a Time, and dont forget your husband has a HP too. Take care of yourself first.
I am in day 7 of 28 of my husband being in court-ordered, hospital assisted rehab. It was a two year process of having him jailed 3 times (I got him on a domestic violence charge). He is not a bad person---never was; but his drinking went over the top about 3 years ago. I don't know if this stint will cure him. AA seems to focus on alcoholics concentrating on themselves and not the negativity around them. I understand that. But AA does not address the mental states of those of us that have been dealing with the family damage that their alcoholism has done. I know they address accountability in AA and rehab programs somewhere down the line. But I have also been there, heard that with apologies and retrospect of how he wants things like they used to be in the past. My problem is that I can forgive, but I can't seem to forget. Too much has happened to both me and my daughter. The initial expense from hospital stays, paid rehab and other expenses (like yours) adds to my stress. I did, however, get Medicaid so many of the costs are being taken care of. However, that does not address the fact that my house is in foreclosure and I can't pay my taxes. All because he lost clients (he is self-employed as I am as well), and my part-time job doesn't cover how far we are behind. So I understand your frustration. This is such a terrible disease and there are very few places to get help for all concerned. Your AH doesn't understand the damage he has done yet. If he says he won't call, perhaps that is a blessing on you without that added stress. Mine has called twice, written me a note and asks for more stuff to be brought to the hospital. I am taking my darn sweet time because I have to mentally regroup. Hang in there, Trudy.
It takes years in recovery and solid work on steps 1 through 7 to get to the amends in steps 8 and 9. In order for them to be the meaningful type of life amends you are looking for, a person has to have a SOLID AA foundation behind them or they are just spouting words with not much meaning behind them. Yes, they feel sorry, but mostly sorry for themselves.
AA does stress making amends and being accountable but the change is slow and steady and it occurs over years. You won't see the type of spiritual change that leads to REALLY knowing the damage caused if and until your respective spouses get out, work a program in AA for month or even years. Just learning basic tools to keep away from the first drink is priority #1. During that period of working steps 1 through 3 before steps 4 through 9, the alcholic will be hugely self centered still because they have very little way of coping with simple life demands and their standard way of coping is gone (drinking).
The delusion that "my drinking is MY problem, my business, and it was/is about me only" persists until a person first can fit into a sober group like AA, build trusting functional sober relationships there, and then work with a sponsor on becoming a real man again instead of a whiny angry manchild. In my personal experience, you are not going to see deep living amends (meaning the ability to say sorry and then ACT different) until a person is in their second year of sobriety at least. One time frame I have heard is that year 1 is just learning to live without drinking, year 2 is learning to live with yourself, and year 3 is learning to live with others. In other words first the drinking gets let go of, then most of the other wretched personality defects that went along with is slowly go too (but first they need to let go of the drinking and that's a HUGE challenge).
It can happen, but I promise you it will not happen overnight and there are going to be ups and downs if you stick this out. In the meanwhile, do right by you (both of you). Both of your husbands are sucking up recovery and it's something that you guys need just as much. You are after all holding the whole house together right now. Do try and made whatever time you can for meetings and work with your sponsors in alanon.
Aloha Trudy and Donna...just for me the most appropriate, real and meaningful (serious) suggestion I ever got was to get to the open face to face Al-Anon Family Groups. It took me two trips. The first trip I was too angry, confused and self centered. I would not let go of how bad she had hurt me and that is what I hung on to which was proof again that my focus was then permanently on her as was my expectations. I learned about alcoholism and I also learned I was married to two women...one was my wife and the other was my alcoholic...not knowing which one was in the room with me at anyone time left me very confused and vunerable to mental, emotional, physical and spiritual pain. I was told early to get rid of my expectations of the alcoholic because trying to get those fulfilled was like waiting for a train at a bus station...I wasn't going to happen and it didn't. The program work on the principles of letting go and letting God have paid huge dividends from the start. Self focus and learning the solutions to the questions regarding "what is my part in this"? made and makes all the difference in the world for my life then and now. Allowing my alcoholic/addict wife the dignity of the consequences of her choices was a blessing. Her amends when it came was short and simple and her amends...I didn't judge it and I didn't come with a list of her errors as I saw them. I had already forgiven her as I was taught by my sponsorship that if I didn't like the feelings that came with resentment do the opposite and get the better feelings...the opposite for me was forgiveness...and the program was right.
First the suggestion...the serious one get to the face to face meetings of the Al-Anon Family Groups. Get into the rooms...all the way in; listen with an open mind, learn from others, practice, practice, practice what it is that they do that makes their lives happier and more fulfilled regardless of what the alcoholic is doing. Lastly give away to someone else that which you learn that works for you; and keep coming back. (((((hugs)))))
