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So anyone who has read my posts knows that I'm not in the best place right now. AH left the detox unit of a local psychiatric hospital six days ago. While he was in there I had taken out a temporary protective order against him to prevent him from being able to return to our home upon discharge, as he had repeatedly made clear he intended to do just that. Since the order is temporary, it currently states that there is to be no contact from him towards mewhatsoever, but when we attend the hearing as to whether it should be changed to a 12 month restraining order, I was planning to have it amended that he could call/email and have supervised visitation with our children. My main goal was to just prevent him from being able to return to the house to live (our divorce hearing wasn't for two more months, so in the meantime legally there was nothing I could do to keep him out).
So we have a mutual friend who has been sort of playing go-between. He really, really wants that TPO dropped and my lawyer told me that would be the best bargaining tool we have for getting him to go ahead and sign off of the divorce and have everything finalized rather than allowing him to draw it out as long as possible (he does not want the divorce). He has been attending meetings twice a day, as well as group therapy, and has not gone back to drinking. Apparently he really wants to talk to me, see me, and see the kids. And to be quite honest, I want to see him- because I miss him so much. The man I married is a completely different person than the alcoholic that took over his body. He's still not done being an alcoholic, despite the fact that he isn't drinking. The last few times we have spoken, we will have one conversation where he is telling me how much he loves me, is worried about me trying to do everything by myself, misses the kids, etc. I would hang up feeling hopeful that my husband was back. Then the next time we would talk he would be angry about the divorce, angry about the TPO, angry that he has no money, job, or place to live (he's staying in his sister's house right now, and is miserable there), and then he directs it all towards me. He has said that can't go to rehab at this time, despite the fact that he really wants to, because I put all this extra stuff on his plate (the divorce and TPO) that he now has to run around and try to find a job so he can afford a lawyer.
So yesterday I forwarded an email to him that was from my attorney, saying that he could just meet with her on his own and negotiate the terms of the divorce and dropping the TPO. He does not have the means to acquire his own representation, but I added a note to the email saying that I would pay for this meeting, and that I would let him keep his car, all of his stuff, and not demand child support at this time until he had had a chance to attend rehab, get a job, and get back on his feet. I just want him to get healthy and happy again. My kids need their father back. He called my friend later and said the email from me made him feel a lot better and now he know longer thinks that I 'am out to get him'. I think some of his AA friends were telling him horror stories about what their wives had done to them when they went through their divorce. That's not me. I have no desire to hurt him. I just want him to get better.
So our mutual friend has let me know that he wants to come over and visit tonight. Yes, it would violate the terms of the TPO, but we are negotiating getting it dropped anyway and like I said, I'm not going to call the cops on him because I never intended it to mean that under no circumstances could we communicate. Those rules are in place strictly because we have not had a chance to appear before the judge and work out the terms of the order. I am not sure whether I should let him come over tonight. I still love this man- the sober version of him anyway- and don't know that I can trust myself around him. But at the same time the kids really want to see him and I also want to appease him so he will continue to cooperate with me, we can finalize the divorce and maybe he will agree to let me short sell the house- which I am desperate to get out of because it makes me too sad to be here. Part of me is hoping that we can just get divorced so that I will belegally separated from him so I can't be held liable for his many debts or any trouble/lawsuits that might arise from the consequences of his drinking if he goes back to the bottle. But if he gets himself together- assuming he does, than I'm thinking maybe we can resume our relationship as common-law spouses. Am I crazy for thinking this way, and is it a sign that I am still being co-dependent on him? I refuse to be around him if he is still drinking, but if he is able to quit, obtain employment again, and get himself back on the straight and narrow, would that be wrong for me to then allow him back into my life? Should I allow him to come visit tonight? I just feel so confused.
You're not speaking out of turn....as I said I feel confused and am not sure I can trust myself with him because my feelings for him might be interfering with logic/common sense, so suggestions are welcomed. The idea for a neutral ground is a good one, but I'm not sure where that could be. Our friend doesn't live here, so we can't go to her place, and anywhere out in public could be dangerous for him due to the order against him.
I am not a lawyer, but my understanding is that being in the same place with him, for instance in a coffee shop, will not get him in trouble unless you yourself feel it is a problem. Technically it is prohibted, but no one else will know or care. They won't have anyone following him around trying to see if he's violating the order.
I know very well that yearning for things to be okay and back to the wonderful days before the A changed into an A. That is a wonderful dream. I learned over the course of many hard lessons to be realistic about it. The awful truth is that alcoholism is very powerful. The statistics are that somewhere around 25% of alcoholics go into recovery achieve longterm sobriety. 75% do not make it. When I realized that, it sobered me up, so to speak. I kept expecting the corner to be turned and our old life to come back.
There are so many alcoholics that even 25% means that thousands, probably even millions, of people do achieve longterm sobriety. However, the power of alcoholism means that to protect ourselves, we shouldn't get ahead of ourselves. If your husband achieves longterm sobriety, that will be clear. It doesn't happen overnight (sadly). But that means that you don't have to make any quick decisions. If he stays in recovery, he will learn not to pressure you and to let his actions show that he has changed. And the actions are what we need to watch.
For myself, I found that any time I talked to my ex, the craving came back in full force. It was like a hurricane of craving. I'd think I could handle it. But it overwhelmed me. I think it's probably like a recovering alcoholic going into a bar and saying, "I'm fine, I can handle this, I just want to have one sip."
Having made about all the mistakes it's possible to make, I think if I were in this situation, I'd see if I couldn't get a little more distance on the situation before getting back in touch with the ex. Maybe that means taking it one day at a time. But if you're going to end up healthy and together again, there will be plenty of time for that. You won't lose your chance by staying detached now. If he pressures you, it means he's not at a very advanced stage of recovery yet. Maybe this would be the time to go to a lot of Al-Anon meetings? Do you have a sponsor? Extra cravings mean extra recovery work is so helpful.
What Mattie has shared is soooo extremely true. Give yourself time to see what your thoughts and feelings are on the situation and I was going to ask as well if you have a sponsor, meetings???
It's kind of like a little sex or a little pregnant .. you either are or you aren't .. there is no little about it. That's literally how I veiw my encounters with my stbax. I literally have to look at everything and say .. this is business and the other is personal. That probably sounds a little cold it's the only way I can detach, still have some kind of compassion and not make it a hostile take over while maintaining the fact I'm not dealing with a normal rational person. He's an addict and he is everything that goes with being stuck in the disease. The disease has made him into a liar, theif and a cheat, who takes no responsibility for his own choices (that is MY perception of my own situation). That doesn't serve what is best for me.
Please take care of you and do what is in your best intersts physically, spiritually, emotionally and mentally. I know right now it all seems sooooooo big and it is because it's your situation. Give yoruself some time and see how you feel in at least 72 hours vs right now. You do not have to make a decision today. Right there that was the most freeing lesson there is for myself. Whatever I face .. unless it is 911 someone is dying or has some kind of physical harm to themselves or others .. I do not have to make a decision right this second. It's amazing when I let go of the outcome how many times something will resolve itself. Between my STBAX changing their mind about something to my HP stepping in and fixing a situation that I thought was impossible in the moment .. I have to get out of my own way.
Hugs P :)
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
Thanks for the feedback. No, I don't have a sponsor. I did attend Al-Anon meetings over the summer, when myself and the kids were out of school. I did indicate on the sign in sheet that I didn't have a sponsor and would like one, but nobody offered and I didn't know the protocol, if I was supposed to ask. I came home so depressed on Friday I went online and was trying to find a meeting I could go to this weekend. Couldn't find one. They are all during the weekdays or weeknights. I work so I can't go on weekdays, and I have no one to leave my children with on weeknights. I took them with me over the summer, but I am not able to do that once school is in session because I can't keep them out that late. They have to be up with me at 5:30 in the mornings on school days (we have to leave the house by 6:20 because we have such a long commute to school), so if I kept them out until 9:00 with me for a meeting that would not be good for them.
I think you are right that it's not a good idea for him to come over. My friend just called me and told me she hasn't heard from him today (was waiting for him to call because he is supposed to help her move some stuff at her house). Immediately the old suspicions started to surface that that must mean he was or is drinking. I hope not, but I think the way I'm feeling/thinking right now is a sign from my HP.
Read your TPO carefully. It might state that if you contact him and or invite him into your space that you are violating the order. The TPO isn't a one way street! He cannot be held accountable to it if you invite him or convert him to violating it. Use to write them and get them set in family court...use to teach and warn my male case work never to cross the line on a TR(P)O or else they get another person in their life they never intended to have...a parole officer. Be careful.
I was thinking just what Mattie wrote before I read it. What would you tell anyone else about seeing someone whom the relationship had gone south enough to need/want a restraining order from? I fully get that it is a horribly sad and lonely and depressing place to be in for you right now, but is your AH really the person to turn to in order to try and feel better?
Holivex - The early recovering alcoholic is like a baby with no coping skills. He has you in a role of mother and it takes a good long while to break that sick dynamic. You described him being all hateful cuz you finally set boundaries with him. Sounds like a 2 year old when you tell them they cannot have cookies before dinner right? He needs time to grow up and learn to solve problems. It may seem like his AA buddies are just telling him stories and validating him but, to the degree he can handle it, they are also going to teach him to man up to the degree he wants to and is ready to. I guess I am saying to not rush and give it more time.
Generally, I hate movies with alcoholism as the central theme, but the movie "When a man loves a woman" was actually accurate in terms of portraying the amount of time it takes for an alcoholic to get right on their own before being able to step back into being a healthy partner (if they have the recovery in them that is).
When I recently was considering letting my ex-A (who has not stopped drinking) back into my life after a few years (just as a friend), I got little glimmers that it would be okay...up til he asked me for 20$ cuz he "didn't have money for gas." I really almost gave it to him too until I realized WTF? This is the person that called my parents names, told me I couldn't live on my own, ruined my finances (though I know I had a part in all of that), and that supposedly has a decent job now but still can't save up 20 dollars?!! It turned from sympathetic to sort of mad that after all this time the one thing he would call me up about was to ask for 20 bucks... Hence, because he is an active alcoholic, he's not even useful to me as a friend. It will only wind up in disappointment and I know that now. I don't know if your relationship is headed that way, but I couldn't change my ex into the person I wanted no matter what. I couldn't do it then and I can't now.
