Pawning things and panhandling - Al-Anon Family Group

pinkchip · ~*Service Worker*~

Pawning things and panhandling

callmemara · Veteran Member

Once he spends his whole paycheck, he starts pawning things and even panhandling to get money for alcohol. Yes, there is always money for drinks. ALWAYS! even if there is no money for rent. GRRR.

I was expectingi t to be raining/storming big time when I woke up this morning but it wasn't. It's overcast and a perfect day to get some yard work in before it does start raining. I got my yard clothes on and was planning to weed-eat. Hubby mows and I weed-eat. Generally speaking. So I can't find the weed-eater. I wake him up, ask where it is. Oh he pawned it. Since he got paid yesterday, he has money. He goes to the pawn shop to get it out and waits in line for an hour only to be told that it hasn't been in there 7 days yet and he can't get it out until tomorrow. He asks me do I want him to go to another pawn shop and buy a different one, I say yes. We can keep the new one and the pawnshop can keep our old one. Was that unreasonable?

Someone please tell me that he really feels guilty for doing this becuase all he is expressing to me is anger that I'm annoyed he pawned it in the first place. I should be worshipping him or something because he got out of bed and went down there to get it as soon as I asked about it.

I was so irritated, angry, annoyed, mad because i had my mind set to do this and now I had to piddle around doing other things. It takes a lot of motiviation for me to get to the point where I'm ready to do yard work.

So I just texted him and said "let's just move on, ok forget about the weed-eater for now." I just don't want to give him an excuse to have an attitude with me all day or yell or drink more. And I'm trying to work on my attitude.

InspiredPhotography · Senior Member

I understand how you feel there Call. We have those moments. Sometimes more often then other times. Keep your chin up ok? As you start to work on yourself, things do change :)

TrudyS85 · Senior Member

I so understand, the selfishness of their disease is usually too much to wrap our brains around. Stay strong, we all get it, you are not alone. ts

Path to Serenity · Senior Member

My family A member has some items in pawn too. Couple of biggies that important to his work....like his welder, air compresser........grr. I keep a close eye on other tools, especially the ones that I help purchase and haven't been paid back -- like the power washer -- it isn't his to pawn - it's mine and I've made that very clear.

((((hugs))))

Pushka · ~*Service Worker*~

I hate to even put this out there however this is what everyone knows about .. Lord only knows what else has been pawned seriously speaking. In the past months I have had some serious revelations about what is and is no longer here. Not only here .. however from another family member. It's not my issue now .. however to hear the amount that has been stolen has been mind blowing.

The addict steals like it or not .. that is the reality of the disease. The disease lies and steals on many levels.

While there is nothing I can do about what has been stolen it's one of the biggest reason the first thing I did was have the locks changed on place of residence because I knew if I were gone for any extended time things would be gone if I left the house.

I have heard it over and over again especially when it comes to family .. little johnny or jill won't take from ME! All I do is think ohhh yes they will, and you won't know it until you are looking for what you need and good luck getting it back unless you go get it yourself. They do not want to spend the cash on anything except their addiction of choice what is "sold" or "borrowed" doesn't come into play. I know now I have to put a boundary around myself and the kids (yes I caught him taking cash out of their piggy banks, because after all it's HIS money) to say that is not ok. He is now no longer allowed past the front door unless someone is present with him. That's just the lack of trust we all have for him at this point.

So sorry this is happening to you, it's very frustrating for all involved. Just keep coming back, .. it gets better.

Hugs P :)

WornOutMrsFixIt · Senior Member

Finally . . . something that my AH hasn't done. Wonder how long before this will start?

pineapple · ~*Service Worker*~

We don't have pawn shops around here, but A never failed in finding buyers for the things he sold - gas can, garden tools, ornamental decorations, etc. In addition to that he was not above stealing beer from the neighbor's shed.
¨Yes, there is always money for drinks.¨
Yes, unfortunately that is what is comes down to. Please remember that you can't control what he does, TAKE CARE OF YOU! Sending you many hugs and much support.

JJ21 · Veteran Member

Mine never stole for booze either. Surprise.. I can't believe that it would come to stealing for alcohol... It's legal and a quart is cheap, but I guess when your trying to sneak...... It's just too much. I hope someone just puts me down if I ever consider in my life to get involved with an A again!!

holivex · Veteran Member

Mine pawned some of the stuff his dad left him. That was what was so sad to me. It will start when you cut off their access to cash/credit cards. My AH lost his job, so had no income. In the meantime I had become aware that he was using the debit card from our joint checking account to buy alcohol, and since he was buying it once, sometimes twice a day, it didn't take long for my entire paycheck (I'm a teacher,so my paycheck doesn't go that far to support a family of five) would be gone well before the end of the month and all the bills had been paid. So I started my own private checking account and had my paychecks deposited there, which meant that he was no longer having any money deposited to the account he had access to. That's when he started pawning stuff. It upset me greatly because he was very close to his father, who died suddenly less than three years ago. So I took what I could, boxed it up, and hid it from him so he couldn't continue to pawn things. I knew that one day, if he did manage to get into recovery, he would be sick at the fact that he sold the few items he had of his father's in order to buy alcohol. Plus, I was hoping that eventually some of those things could be handed down to our sons. He got very angry and threatened to file a police report against me for theft. I told him to go right ahead. I don't think it counts as 'theft' if it's still in the house.

My question for you would be....why are you putting up with this behavior? Why are you even questioning if you are being unreasonable for being angry at your husband for pawning household items that belong partially to you, after he has spent your joint income on his addiction? This is abusive behavior on his part. Are you going to continue to allow it to happen?

pinkchip · ~*Service Worker*~

This is my issue but I will say it's painful to read someone getting disrespected and put through the ringer by someone else's addiction and the crappy choices that go with it. Your response of "I will just change my attitude" gave me the same feeling that I get when I hear a domestic violence victim say "I won't make him angry and that way he won't hit me." Yes - one tool in alanon is not to attend every argument you are invited to. On the other hand, you don't want to accept unacceptable behavior and have your boundaries constantly disregarded like you and your wishes mean nothing. This is one where you could really use lots of support from alanon program folks and pray on this too because I'm sure you don't want to live this way any more.

xeno59 · ~*Service Worker*~

Call

My son has pretty much pawned anything of value he owns. Mostly things we have bought him as gifts. This last time he was going to pawn his beloved guitar. Well we bought him that guitar and it cost a pretty penny i tell ya and we knew the pawn shop would give him like 20 bucks for it. Because of the value we gave him 25 bucks for it (which maybe enabling i am not sure) but now it's ours and not something he can pawn.
Believe it or not A's live with tremendous guilt. They know on some level what they are doing to themselves and their loved ones but the disease is so incredibly powerful they feel the guilt and use it as an excuse to drink. Of course for an A any excuse will do. There is nothing you can say or do to make him drink or not drink. He may try and blame it on you, but if it wasn't something they believe you did it would just be a different excuse. That's the nature of the disease.
I know how easy it is to be mad at them, we get lied to, betrayed etc. But in my opinion no one asks for this disease. Yes they have a choice in the beginning to drink or not but at some point the disease kicks in and takes that choice away. It is a mean, nasty disease. I believe the Big Book calls it "cunning and baffling". Once they are hooked that disease does everything in it's power to stay in control.
There are a couple of good things I read when I first got here that may give you more understanding with what you are dealing with.
And you can Goggle them and read it.
1. A Letter from an Alcoholic
2. I am your disease
Be ready to cry if you read those. But I printed them out and kept them close for a very long time, and when I would get angry I would read them.
I wish you the best!

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

So this is what your A does.

So are you going to learn skills to deal with living with an A?

Leave it the same?

Or ask him to go or you go?

We learn to accept them just how they are. Inturn we also protect ourselves, our income, our stuff, our vehicles etc.

We cannot have a "normal" marriage when one is an A. Non A's and A's do not think the same at all.

It is a matter of fact that your A sells things to get money for whatever. My way if I had known he was doing it...rrrr would have been to lock my tools up very very well somewhere.

I went to use my oh that water sprayer ya wash the sides of your house with and sidewalks....Mother left it to me. He pawned it. I then looked around and all the tools I bought for us, the table saws, planer all kinds of stuff were gone. He told me they were at his work site or over at steves or in the van.....

I had no reason not to believe him. Same with my debit card. checking account. before I knew it he had ruined my credit forever. This with in a few months!

The worst to me was he was a guitarist since he was a little boy. He had guitars from his dad playing since he was small too. I mean they were worth thousands. I never heard anyone play the slide guitar like him.

I said hey where is the stratocaster I think thats how you spell it or the slide or? he freaking hocked them and NEVEr got them back. He had a beautiful acoustic he hawked then asked me to get it out. I did and gave it to our son. His mother was mad I got it out. She said I had no business doing it like it was hers. Never mind her son gave me the papers to do it. ugh.

He sold his wedding ring. that hurt me so very much. so much.

When I learned about addiction and al anon here on MIP I was able to put it all behind me. I mean it was just stuff. but from time to time I wonder what my life would have been if his disease had not have destroyed my goals.

I had to tell myself all that college as an adult I learned so much more than academics about life. BUT ya don't see me in Africa volunteering being a surgeon for those poor people with no health care...rrrrr

We get it, hugging you. Believe me you can make it better and ok.

I am pretty serene in a one room cabin in the mountains next to a neat river. Most the time I have serenity. Have a wonderful spiritual family being a Jehovah's Witness. I had to work very hard to get here. Sadly however, I am closer now to saying I wish he had never come around me when he was strong in recovery and wooedme to marry him. I know I was happier than I ever was married to him, but I have no feelings I remember. No memory of what made it happy as far as emotions. the disease took them away.

And you know how it is, when they say, you don't remember what they did, but you remember how it made ya feel. I don't even remember how it made me feel it all hurt so bad in the end.

hugs hugs,debilyn

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