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This is part of my reply from on one of my earlier posts...
..."Luckily he hadn't been drinking yesterday, he was in bed all day. After I got there with the kids he got up to say hi and back to bed he went and only got up to eat, not interacting with his kids at all. I had to work this morning and he got up to ask if I was taking the youngest with me?? No I wasn't, as long as he is not drinking he is very much capable of taking care of his children for a few hours. My son is there and old enough to let me know if he does start drinking or does not get up to take care of them. However I am sure he's already called his mother to come over and help or he will take the kids to her."...
Now...
So I am work and he calls me asking me to come home that he can't take care of the kids because he can't deal with it he's too tired. I told him no that I was working he could take care of them until I got off work. He tells me he is calling his ex-wife to come and get them. So the ex calls me and I am assuming he had done what he said. In talking to her about the situation I realized he hadn't yet. She was with him for over 10 years and knows how he is, so she asked me to go get the kids and take them home, because she didn't want to go over there. Because I was worried about him taking care of them too, I left work and went to get the kids. He says he was joking, he never said what he did about not wanting the kids. Damage was already done at that point. I get the kids and take them home, go back to work and now this is all my fault because I should know by now not to take him seriously.
He says I want things perfect and as soon as they aren't I am ready to bail. I told him no, I have no intentions of leaving at this point, I am not mad but the kids have to be cared for. He's been in bed for a day and a half so when he says what he did, I assume he honestly doesn't want to the responsibility. He says he can't make me happy, can't even make himself happy. It's obvious he is feeling bad about what he's been doing, and I am in no way trying to make him feel worse. I didn't put him down insinuating that he cannot take care of his kids, because he can. He is a great father when he chooses to be. I didn't engage in an argument about it. I did what I felt I needed to. I just hope I am going about this the right way. Being new at this detachment and boundaries and all, I just don't know.
I think you did the right thing. If he's been in bed all day, he probably has been drinking and is sleeping off a hangover. Either that or he is in a serious depression. Definitely not a healthy environment for the kids to be around. Do you have a breathalyzer, or can you get one? I would think about using it before you leave any children with him. Please be careful with your son. Your statement that he is 'old enough to let you know when your husband starts drinking or does not get up to take care of them' is troubling. My three boys (8, 8, and 4) have been put through the emotional wringer from feeling torn between telling me the things their father was doing (because they didn't feel safe with it and it made them uncomfortable when he was drinking) and trying to protect him/prevent a fight. Think about that one very carefully, because I am now having to provide a lot of therapy for my kids to undo the damage that their father, and I (for putting up with it and enabling it) have done. And don't let your AH bully you or try to turn things around on you and make this your fault because 'you always want things to be perfect'. You don't at all sound like that. Look at you- it's Saturday on a holiday weekend, and what are you out doing? Working. What is he doing? Lying in bed, and can't even be bothered to take his children home to their mother. How is that even close to expecting perfection? You are still apologizing for him and saying you don't want him to feel worse or have him think you are putting him down. Is he worrying about how he is making you feel, when he is leaving the responsibility for the children completely up to you or his mother? Or when he blames you and accuses you of wanting (what he terms )perfection? Don't let him make you feel that you are wrong to be bothered by his behavior or that you should feel guilty for calling him out on it. That's one of the first steps of detaching right there.
You are trying and that is what counts. You are examining your motives and working hard to set limits. I think you are pretty strong and inpirational. Would be nice if you could get time to go to some meetings and share that with others in person and also get more face to face support. I know you are busy taking care of a lot though.
Thank you both for your responses. As far as my son goes I am very much concerned about the effect this is having on him. He's very protective of me and at times he really wants to say something to AH. But he knows he can't or shouldn't not knowing how AH would react. He's almost 16 and I think going to Al-anon meetings with me would be beneficial to him as well.
We live in impossible situations most of the time, don't we Jamie. I totally understand your frustration, my AH is constantly saying things he is going to do, or not do, and then when I take him at face value and take care of things he either mocks me because 'he was just kidding and don't I have a sense or humor?' or he gets angry that I took care of something he could have done. It is very draining. Luckily my husband and I do not have children so I have never had to worry about them, part of why I never had kids with him was in my heart I knew he would destroy a child trying to grow up with his madness. Sounds like you are handling things as well as anyone could, good for you, don't let him take your confidence, you sound very capable and strong, hugs and prayers, ts.
