I absolutely agree that you should get a new lawyer. Not only that, but when my AH threatened suicide- not attempted, just threatened- that was enough for me to be able to take myself up to the local Family Violence Center and get a Temporary Protective Order issued against him. That meant that when he left detox, he could not come back to our house or contact me. I strongly urge you to look into doing that. If you go through a local crisis center rather than your attorney, it's free and he would be served probably within 24-48 hours. You would have to fill out some intake forms, and then go to the office in person to provide anecdotal evidence to back up your reasons for needing it, but that's about it. Then after a few weeks you would have a hearing before a judge where you would have to testify as to why it should be extended to a permanent restraining order. However, my lawyer told me that almost 80% of the TPOs never make it to hearings because it's such good leverage to have when negotiating the terms of your divorce. We are offering it as a bargaining chip to my AH right now. If he wants the TPO dropped, he needs to go ahead and give me what I want in the divorce (which isn't much, I'm letting him have his car, everything he had that was his, and even the house, although he has no way to pay for it, I just want what was mine and full legal/physical custody of the kids with supervised visitation only). Keep this in mind: abuse doesn't necessarily equate with criminal activity. Has he ever neglected to pay household bills in order to buy alcohol? The court recognizes that as abuse. Has he ever gotten angry while drunk and thrown something or broken something? Again, it counts. Even now by calling you and accusing you of adultery just because you aren't running over to see him constantly, that's a form of abuse. My AH never actually laid a hand on me, but his history of alcoholic behavior coupled with a suicide threat was enough to get me the TPO. You'll be surprised how quickly he will drop that threat of getting lifetime alimony from you once you have one of those in place, because it establishes to the courts that you are the injured party. Not that he will get it anyway. Don't let him scare you like that.

I hope you have a tolerable birthday. Don't take his calls. I know it's hard, even after all he has done to you. I'm in the exact same boat you are in right now. My AH was just discharged from the hospital five days ago and I still worry about him. Still want to know what he is doing, thinking, saying. Still find myself wanting to call or talk to him. But when I do, the person I am speaking to is not my husband, it is an angry, bitter, scapegoating alcoholic who is still blaming everyone but himself for his problems. Sounds like your husband is doing the same. If you cut off his access to you, it will be the hardest thing you will ever have to do, but it will be your ticket to freedom.

If my divorce lawyer told me something that outrageous, I would get a new lawyer. 

Maybe some alcoholic got alimony for life, somewhere, at some point.  But I know plenty of alcoholic layabouts that never got a penny.  Unfortunately the system is not about who's right and who's work as much as it's about whose lawyer is more persuasive.  But given that, it might as well be yours.  Or else what are you paying for?  You could arrange to give your ex lifetime alimony without getting a lawyer to do it for you.  But your lawyer should be advocating for you.  Effectively.

I hope you can take good care of yourself both emotionally and financially.  Hugs.

Boy, can I relate. I spent my birthday this year picking up my husband from rehab three hours away from our house. I was in so much pain from thyroiditis that I could barely turn my head. I wanted him to stay in rehab longer but, as always, he knew best. We stopped for gas on the way home and he buys me a gas station b'day card that made a crack about getting old and saggy boobs. I noticed that he had a pack of Hostess chocolate cupcakes and he said they were for after dinner. We stopped and got a pizza on the way home. After pizza, I was waiting around for the cupcakes and candles but nothing. I finally asked if I could have my cupcakes now and he goes, "Oh, yeah" , goes to get them and you guessed it . . .  not even any candles. I didn't even get "romanced".

Anyway, HaPpY BiRtHdAy!!! Hope my share makes spending your birthday alone sound like not such a bad deal.

I am not familiar with the state you live in but I thought that it was a 10 year benchmark for alimony.  If your husband is penniless he will certainly qualify for welfare if you are separated.

The whole issue of alimony, retirement and more is something that can be negotiated through.   I am so sorry you are having to deal with this.  In some cases being married is easier than being in a boyfriend/girlfriend situation.  Therein I had little right to claim what is mine and what is his.  Of course the now ex A claimed everything as "his".  I really hurt for a long long time over what he took in terms of financial devastation for me.  I had to start completely over.  I will probably never recover financially. What I can tell is that I did recover emotionally.  I stopped living in chaos and uncertainity.  I didn't have a catastrophe every day (I am sure you are used to that one of my refrains was Every single day...).   I stopped worrying he was going to kill himself and me (when he was driving like a maniac). I stopped resenting him (that took a while).  I stopped being angry, on edge, exhausted and absolutely obsessed.  I got some peace.

Many many people helped me through the transition.  I got help from a number of resources.  The legal stuff I tried to do didn't work out that well but I gave it a go.  I protected myself that is what I will say.  From the seeds of that self protection I have learned to be very resilient but most of all proactive in taking care of myself.

I am sure everything is overwhelming right now.  I lived, slept and ate the ex A's self absorption and demands for 7 years.  I know how draining that is for you.  I also know that with detachment it can run right off your back but detachment is pretty difficult in the kind of situation you are in.  The best thing is that it is possible on a moment by moment basis.

I think one of the hardest things for me was to get that the alcoholic/addict was going to act like an alcoholic addict.  I kept expecting him to see the light in the tunnel he didn't.  Certainly the ex A had his plateaus, he had his moments when he could function, when he could seem appropriate even kind but the disease took him down all the way.  I also felt absolutely responsible for him in ways that were part of my own disease of alcoholism (how great the alcoholic is at passing the buck irresponsibility is a huge red flag for me these days).  I felt like he would not survive without me.  In fact he did and continues on the same old path of manipulation, guilt tripping and demanding everything from those around him.  I am so grateful I am no longer one of them.

I am so glad you have this board to come to and have people answer you who know exactly where you are. There will be other birthdays in the future where your life won't be engulfed with tragedy, chaos and alcoholism.  I look forward to hearing about them.

maresie.