The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Sounds like you are managing everything just great!! My hats off to you. I did that many years ago, but only with one child. I love how we end up being one of the triggers for wanting someone clean and healthy. Detaching from you means the kids too and the kids are not his past. They are his future. It really sounds like if you choose to move on and let him deal on his own you are more than capable and with a little time you will be happier too. He is playing the blame game and still angry that he has stipulations and you are right about being the punching bag. Forgive him for the past and wish him the best in his recovery and get out of his way so he can't blame you and see how he does. Best wishes.
-- Edited by JJ21 on Saturday 1st of September 2012 01:26:29 AM
My AH has stolen from me. Run up huge debts. Driven intoxicated with my children many times. Been fired from his last three jobs. Been to detox, then immediately started drinking again. Been back to detox. Is now out for the second time and he's a dry drunk. Not drinking, but still behaving like an alcoholic. Only this time he has declared war on me. Blames me for everything, and it sounds like his entire AA group is encouraging it from what he has said to me (before I cut off contact with him) and my friend. Tells me 'I'm one of his triggers'. Says he can't continue on to outpatient rehab and it's my fault because I have filed for divorce and have taken out a TPO against him, so now he 'has too much to do' and doesn't 'have the time or money' to go to rehab. The thing that gets me is that he is living with his family, who are apparently in agreement that I'm the bad guy, and now he has this whole army of AA people behind him. He goes to meetings several times a day and has no other responsibilities. I'm the one who is all alone with no one. I have to get up at 5:00 am every day, get myself and three kids ready, and leave the house by 6:20 so I can get everyone to school/work on time. Then I work a full day, pick everyone back up, drive a long commute, make dinner, do dishes, baths for the kids, laundry, take care of the pets, etc. etc. And that's just on the days when I don't have to go meet with lawyers, family therapists, doctors, dentists, etc. I'm paying all of the bills completely on my own with no help from him. It makes me so angry that he gets to go do whatever he wants, whenever he wants and I never get a break to do anything. And then people have the nerve to tell him to completely disengage from me because 'I represent the past, and he can't change the past, he can only decide what he is going to do today' blah blah blah. I'm so tired of being a punching bag. I'm so tired of being alone all the time and scared. There is nothing about my life right now that I enjoy at all.
You don't know what for sure is being said to him. Please try not to take what a sick alcoholic says at face value. You are doing everything you can to be responsible, moral, and just. It may not be showing its rewards now, but it will eventually. Just keep doing the right thing and try not to focus too much on him. He is sick and his life is not all roses no matter what he says. He can't even function 1/100th of what you do before noon.
I am so very sorry that this painful situation is unfolding in your life right now. I do understand your feelings and can suggest that alanon Face to Face meetings would really be beneficial in helping you reconnect and break the isolation caused by this dreadful disease.
I can see that you are a terrific mom and worker and have a great deal of courage, serenity and wisdom and that attending meetings will increase this and also help you cope with the negative attitudes and fear that living with this disease generates.
"This too shall pass" So please keep showing up and sharing the journey
Thank you. I really do want to get to a face to face meeting. The problem I am having is that where I live, there aren't any on weekends. They are all either on weekdays or weeknights. I don't have childcare, and I can't keep my kids out that late when we have to be up so early. I wish there was an Al-Anon for kids, too! Every night I hold my babies and listen to them cry about how much they miss their dad and want him to come home. I am so worried about how this is going to affect their self esteem, to grow up knowing that their father chose alcohol over them. I can now understand why I put off leaving him and put up with his drinking for as long as I did. As awful as it is to be around someone who is constantly intoxicated, this period we are in right now isn't any better. I know eventually it will be, but right now this is a living hell for all of us.
You did not mention that you were seeking help for yourself, are you? You say you are all alone, you mentioned you have three children. They are living with you. Well as you can see you are not alone. I can hear the anger in your post, you must find a way to let it go or it will eat you alive. Alcoholism is unfortunately a family disease. Sometimes, we have to look at what we have and not at what we don't. As far as what people say, who really cares? Opinions are like azzholes and everyone has one. It doesn't make it right or wrong. I know it is not easy taking care of things alone. It is very hard being a single parent. However, if you get well, your children will follow. Life is a wonderul place to be. Please remember that it is always darkest before the dawn. It would be my opinion for you to join a alanon group. If you don't have time there is an open chat right here with meetings. Please, get the help you need and remember you have 3 loving children that need thier mom.
(((((Holivex))))) Hotrod offered "this too will pass" that's true...it will and you can help it with detachment and letting go and letting God. He has no way of hurting you without your permission and participation...Let him go and replace him with a real Higher Power. Keep coming back Hugs...
Holivex dear, you are amazing! You did the one thing that I am afraid to do still...leave him! It is a courageous step, considering what you went through. Even though it may suck right now, consider the benefits in the future...it will get better. I have thought about how much work it would be to be on my own, but I it is not that that bothers me, it seems that I cannot get over the fact that I would be cruel to him and kick him out on his own and I know I would hear about how "bad" I am and I would get blamed. That is the part I struggle with. I realized tonight that he will not in the distant future stop drinking. He doesn't have a good enough motivation to get sober. If I left him, he might. But then again, that doesn't always work, as in your situation. Thursday night he drank so much that I sent a text to the friend he was hanging out with that was not that nice---needless to say, when he came home, he got so angry that he threw him cell phone on the floor and smashed it into a million pieces. I stayed up late once again dealing with his anger and the children (two kids under the age of 5) got to bed late. Aren't you glad you do not have to directly deal with this anymore?
Life is unfair, but like the other posts said, unless he gets help, he hates his life, too. Don't hate yours. You made a very brave and courageous step for the sake of your kids and yourself. I don't go to al-anon meetings either because I am not at the stage yet of "reacting" and talking about my AH the whole time. And the meetings are only on Monday nights and somehow when I get home late from work, the kids are not fed yet, nothing is taken care of, and I wind up not going. I really SHOULD though. I realize this, I should make the effort, no matter how hard. I'm just not ready for the emotional outpouring that I know will come forth, that often sends me into a tailspin. And somehow I've managed to do this without medication, because I don't want to be anything but myself in this moment, but I am tempted...some days are hard. Hang in there. This online stuff feels impersonal to me; it's not my style, I should go to meetings. Hopefully I will, but I've always liked writing down my thoughts. Hang in there. There was a moment last week when I thought I had no one to talk to about this, then I found an Aunt on Facebook who told me some horrific stories about my Uncle and alcoholism. I knew he was bad, but I never could have dreamed up what she told me. It was awful. She has an incredibly strong relationship to her son now that is just amazing. I wish all the best for you. Keep posting. You can do it. Ignore his crap that he tells you. Don't take phone calls unless you have to.
I would very much doubt that any sober person in AA would buy you are the bad guy when you are saddled with all the responsibility. Any sober person who had made amends to their family would be well able to see that your husband has created his own environment.
I do of course empathize with the idea of hating my life. I pretty much loathed my life most of the time until I got into Al anon. The irony is that what has brought me to coming to terms with my life is gratitude. I have a practice of emailing three gratitudes a day to a friend. At first I very much resented the thought of it and railed at what could I be grateful for. Nevertheless even in the middle of a financial crisis I found things to be grateful for. I know when my sponsor first suggested it to me I thought she was not in tune with where I was at all.
It sounds very much like you have already disengaged from him but not his disease. The alcoholic is great at conveying an image that they don't have a care in the world and indeed the whole world revolves around them. At the same time their life is absolutely consumed with alcohol. Grasping what alcoholism means takes a lot of time and doesn't happen overnight. I found a lot of solace in the book Getting them Sober by Toby Rice Drew. For me expectation was and is everything. I now expect people who are jerks to continue on being jerks. My hoping and wishing them to be otherwise was some of the core of my resentment.
I hope you can get a sponsor who can help you through a difficult transition. I find having someone to go to about my life issues very very helpful.
