Hello,

I found this site by doing a search for "living with a dry drunk", and I am so glad I did.  I was not familiar with the term "dry drunk" until my husband, the dry drunk himself, came home from a too infrequently attended AA meeting and said that's what the members called him. Later, after researching the term, I came to realize that the sweet and caring man I married four years ago, who has been "sober" for 16 years, is definitely a dry drunk. The verbal reprimands, extreme passive aggressive behaviors, dirty fighting, stockpiling of my personal weakness to use later on me when I'm down, unabashed selfishness, gross immaturity (at 49 yrs olf, no less!!)and an overall lack of "love, honor, and cherish" was so neatly defined under the dry drunk syndrome that, for the first time, I began thinking that it wasn't me or my fault and that it was him.

As an airline pilot (Captain), I am used to being in complete control of myself, my career, my aircraft, and my responsibility for the lives of my crew and passengers. Living with the current husband has "forced" me to switch gears once I'm home and turn into a meek, apologetic, attend to every need of the man in my life type of wife, which I thought was necessary to appease his ego issues.. He has told me several times that he was attracted to me because I would be gone a lot and not on him all the time, and now says that he is much happier when I am gone, so he can do what he wants. He forgets his wallet when we go out, refuses to help pay for household bills, mutual credit cards (only pays his own bills and caters to an Ex who is on welfare and lives in Newport Beach, CA and their three children, who are in and out of jail, addiction issues, etc)  He will not go to the grocery store and buy food or prepare dinner for us, even if I've been gone for days and he's eaten everything in sight. He told me he "will die before he ever vacuums (said that in front of his 22 year old son who had been "staying" with us for 2.5 years and who had, up until that point, been good about doing chores around the house. After that, the kid figured if Dad doesn't respect her, why should I?) I hold my marriage vows very close to my heart and openly admit that I willingly become this submissive wife when I get home, because I thought that would make him happy and feel better about himself. I make more than he does, but even in counseling with our Pastor when confronted with the fact that he does not contribute financally, physically, or emotionally, and asked if he would rather have a traditional wife who stays at home and cleans and cooks or one who brings home a nice paycheck, he said "both". I enjoy cooking dinner and since he spends a majority of our evening time together secluding himself on the computer or falling asleep on the floor when I ask him to watch a movie with me, I feel that that is our only quality time together. He has now started nodding off at the table (he has told me several times that he can fall asleep anywhere if he's bored...so apparently spending time with me is boring?!!) I usually fly between 4-5 days a week. I have tried bidding weekends off to spend time with him (one month he made plans EVERY weekend that didn't include me from a sailboat race to riding motorcycles in the desert) I am not allowed (by orders of the Ex) to see his youngest and she disregards the orders of the court for visitiation (husband doesn't fight her...just sends her more money) The kids are disrectful to him, cuss him out, but he still pays for everything because he wants them to like him, he told me.  Lordy be!!

We have tried marital counseling, pastoral counseling, bible study groups, etc but in the end, we always go back to the same old habit patterns.  He proposes evening walks or drives, but eventually falls asleep at the computer and then gets angry that I didn't wake him up when I went to bed.  When I do wake him up, he cusses and swears at me for doing it. He had me sign him up for the gym (under my credit card of course) but doesn't go. When we do go together, he tells me that everything I'm doing is wrong (apparently my trainer doesn't know anything) and I either submit and am sore the next day, or we get in a fight. My company is in bankruptcy, and when I try to vent about work, he tells me to "just 'xxxx' quit or shut up about it"  We live in an apartment above his grandmother's house (who asked us to because she's in her late 80s and nervous to be alone) Hubby pays her $150 ($50 ea) for utilities which he refers to as "rent", therefore his only contribution. Oh, did I mention, the now 24 yr old son who slept on my floor and mooched off us for 2.5 years was kicked out by me for growing marijuana ({5} four foot tall plants!!)in the orchard behind Grandma's? Even though I took pics before I destroyed the plants, hubby refused to reprimand the kid, eventhough in a recent family meeting it was made very clear that no drugs were to be used at any time, so the little monster moved downstairs with Grandma. I'm not allowed to tell her why I kicked him out (besides the laziness, beligerence, moochiness, let alone the pot!!) but have been made out to be the Wicked Witch by most of hubby's grossly enabling family. Oh, when I asked hubby why he didn't back up what we had agreed at the family meeting with the kid, he said "well, I wasn't there so I really don't know what happened"...!!!!! Talk about lack of respect for me anda gross inability to parent together!!

You know, after rambling on about this situation, maybe my hubby isn't just a dry drunk, but just a selfish enabled jerk?! The things he has called me (fat 'xxxx' pig, which is minor compared to some other more colorful phrases he has come up with), accused me of maliciously damaging his computer (we had an earthquake and his precious laptop fell off the table and broke the screen, but he said it was maliciously done by me. Wtheck??!), the lies, the lack of empathy (going through perimenopause and that has severly put him out of sorts...he cannot sleep with any fan or air on, period!), the lack of quality time, the procrastination, the lack of niceities (like washing your wife's car after it sat for a week at LAX...but make it known, his truck is ALWAYS clean), the seclusion into his own interests that don't include me (I show my horses and have tried desperately to include him...guess what, he falls asleep there, too...you guessed it, must be boring)...funny, though, when things get tough for him and the once in a great while that he goes to an AA meeting, he is so centered and back to the sweet, giving man I married. He comes home with a new outlook, promising to me and himself that he will go five days a week.  He usually just makes that first one and by about two weeks, he's back to his selfish ways. Sadly, he still relays stories of the good ol days of wild drinking and partying to his boys (which I have pointed out is so inappropriate on so many levels) but it is almost like he misses that.  If I have a glass of wine, he wants to smell it, "just to remember". Both Pastor and the Psychologist we saw say he never finsihed the program.  He just exchanged one addiction for the other (I wish I was that new addiction but I am so far down the list of priorities, it's sad). Maybe it's the computer, or the obsessive need for Starbucks (he'll go to the grocery store to get his cream and sugar but not household groceries, to be sure!), I don't know.  We had a fight and now he's living downstairs with his Grandma (at almost 50 years old!) and I've spent my days off with my horses and evenings alone. I can hear him and the pot smoking beligerent kid out in the garage working on the dirt bikes and the BMW I gave to the kid (my old car), which he promptly totalled and is now building back up. Oh and I was a bitch about that according to my husband because eventhough I had sold the car to the kid for $2000 and he had made only three payments, the car was totalled for $5000 and I paid the deductible and took a huge loss by buying it back so the kid could have it.  They put the body parts and everything they bought on our card (the one hubby wont help make payments to) but I'm the bitch, go figure. I have never been so lonely in my life. We live no where near where I grew up, my horses are an hour away, family is at least that in multiple directions. I can't seem to find a local Al Anon meeting anywhere near where I live. I am at a loss. I am soooo sorry for ranting and I don't know if it even made any sense, but thank you for allowing me to vent, and if I haven't come across as the Wicked Witch, as my hubby and his family think I am, maybe someone could offer a little advice, a calm in the storm : (