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I just found this site and felt a need to post my story. I am in such pain. I am having a hard time digging myself out of this deep dark hole of despair. My son died aug 3 of an overdose or so I think. Autosepsy will not come back for another 2 months. His father and I have been dealing with his addiction to prescription pain meds for about 10 years off and on. He was in an accident that caused him to lose the use of his right arm. He was in horrible pain in the hospital for a couple of months. Pain cocktails were his breakfast, lunch and dinner. So for the past 10 years, to make a long story short, he has been addicted to pain meds. If I were to know the whole truth he probably did a lot of different things. Whatever he could to get high. I now know that I was a big time enabler. Because he had lost his arm I would make excuses for him. As the years went by I finally figured out that I had to find another way to deal with his addiction. I read a few books and realized that their was nothing more I could do for him but love him. I have a daughter and 4 beautiful grandchildren that I needed and who needed me. I basically closed the door of my home and my heart to him with an invitation to return to both when he started to love himself and get the help he needed. He then found a wife with a beautiful spirit that loved him deeply. What a difference she made in his life! Then, after 3 years of marriage, he began the cycle again. Doctor shopping, lying, stealing, cheating, the whole gambit. He ended up in jail again for 4 months. I never answered any phone calls from jail but I did write him, letting him know again how I felt about his behavior and that his father and I loved him and would always love him but we did not like his behavior and could not be a part of his life if he did not change it. We would, however, allow him to stay with us for a couple of nights when he got out so he could find a place live. He got out and he came to our house. He got set up with his probation officer but was told he needed a doctors note saying he was disabled so he could waive the fee. Of course, he then proceeds to get a prescription from him for colodipene for anxiety. Later on I found out he also got one for dilaudid and oxy. I was at work on aug 3 but my husband took him around and they found a place he could afford (he was on disability) We would be moving him in on sat aug 4. When they got home, my son took a shower, but when he came out my husband said he was flying high. Have seen him like that many times. My husband calls me at work around 4:30 to let me know all this and to tell me he was "sleeping it off". He had been up all night the night before so figured between that and whatever he took knocked him out. he laid down on our bed and went to sleep. When I got home at 5:30 I looked in on him and he was laying on his stomach snoring rather loudly. He was notorious for snoring really loud. We were fixing dinner, ate, watched a little tv. All the while I felt this need to check on him. Deep in my gut I felt like there was something wrong. I wanted to wake him up to eat and then go to his own bed to sleep but my husband said to let him sleep. It was more peaceful without his mouth. I agreed. We always ended up arguing with him no matter how hard we tried not to. He would just suck you in. I would check and he would be snoring except for the last time I checked he was not snoring and not breathing. I turned him over and saw that he was blue around the mouth, yelled for my husband, called 911 and husband started cpr on him. When paramedics got there they worked on him for an hour. He had a slight heartbeat that would come and go. i could have told them it was no good. He was gone. I felt it in my heart. My baby boy was gone. I have this overwelming guilt that I could have saved him but did nothing. I don't know how to live with that.
Welcome Caroline, and so glad you found us, and shared your very tragic story.... A cyber hug is all I can muster for you at this time, but please accept my ((((((hugs))))))....
The grief that you are going through is unparalleled, as we should never have to bury our children.
Please take some solace in the fact that you DID do the right things, and truly "did the best you could, with what you knew at the time".
The reality of this insidious disease of alcoholism/addiction - is that there is not always a happy ending. Most A's will tell us, particularly once they do find sobriety, that they knew they had a choice to either "get sober or die"..... Unfortunately, your son is an example of one more, who just couldn't find his way to sobriety.
I pray for you and your family - to somehow find the peace, to find the forgiveness for yourselves - in these very difficult times.
Thanks again for sharing your story, and I hope you keep coming back
Tom
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"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
I am so, so sorry for the pain you are feeling. I have so much fear inside me when my A son is locked up in his room for days on end on another binge. One time I even asked him at what point should I break down the door to see if he was still breathing but he had no answer. Found my A father near death a couple of times from alcoholic poisoning but was too late the 3rd time.
I pray that God will comfort you and your husband during this sorrowful time.
I am so very sorry for the intense pain that you are feeling. I too lost my only child, a son 5 years ago in a very similar fashion. Please know that we are truly powerless over this disease and it is cunning and powerful. Your son knew he was loved him and that is very imporatnt.
Alanon Face to Face meetings helped/help me deal with my sadness and feelings Please keep reaching out here and try to find meetings in your community The support and undersataning will go a very long way in healing your crushed heart.
I'm so sorry for your loss. You and your husband offered loving support to your son while taking care of yourselves as well. I think when someone dies we always feel we could have done something differently or something more no matter what the circumstances are around that death. There's nothing you could have done. Since this was his fate, he was home with his loving family. He knew he was loved. I hope you and your family will be gentle with yourselves at this time of grieving and allow others to give you that same gentle loving support you gave to your son. TT
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Surround yourself with people and elements that support your destiny, not just your history.
I am so sorry for your loss, so glad you have found us to share your story. Please keep coming back there are so many people here on the boards who have lost loved ones to addiction. I hope you will find ways to break your isolation from tremendous grief .. please take advantage of any grief counseling you can get. It's a long process and there is no need to rush through it.
Sending lots of love and support, P
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
sometimes life is full of so much pain its hard to know how we will bear it. there will be days you are completely blinded by your grief...and the thought that you could have done this or that...when my niece died of SIDS, in my home, and we had to do CPR on her...OMG...the what ifs! and if onlys...
the whole thing about "time heals all wounds" is really not helpful when people tell that to you....though I suppose in time you learn to live around this big awful hole in your life....but it never goes away....
take it one minute at a time...and know that addiction claims SO many people...and their loved ones truly are helpless...
keep coming back here...there have been times when I didn't think I could face getting up another day because of my As addiction...but the folks here ...with a typed line here and there...helped keep me putting the next foot forward.
If your son was sober, and still here, what would he want for you? I doubt he would blame you for an accidental overdose....
Take care of yourself ....try to hang out with the people in your life who "get it" and can provide quiet support through this, the darkest of times..
I would pray that you and his father will be comforted. Only another parent who has gone through that really knows how you are feeling. I think there is a group called Compassionate Friends. I always think that when someone passes, that he is at peace and understands everything and harbors no resentments against those still living. And that it is much harder on those left behind. Surely he would want you to let go of regrets. He understands you loved him and did everything you knew to do. And surely he is beyond all suffering now. It is left for you to grieve and to miss him, but not to punish yourself.
Temple
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It's easy to be graceful until someone steals your cornbread. --Gray Charles
(((((Caroline and husband)))))...without your son's cooperation not even God could save him. He resisted and kept doing what he knew would take his life and so the consequences. I believe that Guilt on your part in the face of this powerful addiction is misplaced. Try repeating this attitude over and over for a while, with your husband, "We did the very best we could with what we had". Deep breath...say it again. Don't let the disease take you also. Find out where the Al-Anon Family Groups meet in your area; the hotline number is in the white pages of your local telephone book. Ask your husband to go with you...go early, stick around when its over and repeat..."We did the very best we could with what we had". In love and support ((((hugs))))
(((Caroline))) I'm so very sorry about the loss of your son. Addiction is such a terrible thing, not only for the addict but for those who love them. I'm glad you found this place, there is so much love and support to be found here. Please keep coming back. You and your family are in my prayers.
I can only imagine your deep and terrble grief. I had a friend who many years ago died under similar circumstances. He just took one chance too many. I understand that the kind of behaviors your son exhibited are parasuicidal. They are not outright suicidal but such high risk taking behavior can result in death. I can imagine your guilt, anger and resentment at your son. He brought you so much heartache and now this? Your worst fears were realized.
Those of us who live around addiction have that burden to bear, the rage, the fear, the resentment. I can tell you categorically that al anon can help. First with detaching, detach daily from the pain you are in. Take a big effort to do self care, every day do something nice for yourself. The other is to be in a community which understands. Unfortunately many people here have lost loved ones to this disease. They are knowledgeable, compassionate and know exactly how you feel. There is no chance of them saying or doing the wrong thing.
I hope you will choose to reach out to others who share your story in this very difficult time. I imagine that you might want to shy away from grief groups because you feel your case is different but perhaps something like that or talking to a therapist might help. Every person who is grieving has ambivalence about the person they are grieving about. I know for me being able to voice that ambivlance has been very helpful.
I am so very sorry your worst fear was realized. I don't doubt for one second you played the alanon program by the book. Unfortunately there are no guarantees. I imagine there are a lot of people in your son's life who are angry and upset I hope you will all find a way to get through this terrible time.
You have heard some wonderful words of wisdom here from some very wonderful people. Hugs to you, your husband and your daughter. The disease of addiction is the ugliest thing I have ever seen. Please remember, you did the best you could. Please, keep coming back. These people and this site helped me to save my sanity.
We Jewish say it this way: A parent should never have to sit shiva for a child. There were no truer words ever spoken. Shiva, in Hebrew means seven. The week of deep morning is reserved for close relatives. There is nothing I can say to help ease your pain; only time will do that, and even then, we never really "get over" the loss of a child. Please do not feel guilty. There is nothing you could have done to prevent this tragedy. Your son made his own choices. Please know that you and his father are in my prayers and positive thoughts; I hope that you will find peace.
with my best wishes for your future, Diva
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"Speak your truth quietly and clearly..." Desiderata
Dear Caroline, I'm saddened to read of your loss and understand your pain.
I lost my Ason to this disease last yea,, 27th Oct, he was 34.
The alanon programme certainly helps and supports me, but we are really alone with the process of moving through the grief.
For me I check myself with HALT.am I Hungry, Angry, Lonely or Tired and try to address whichever as best I can.
Please take care of you.
My husband and daughter are processing in their own way and I have to remain detached from this and focus on maintaining my own strength and serenity, but at the same time showing love and many hugs. I can do this.never underestimate the power of physical touch. a warm, peaceful hug can sooth the pain where words can't.
I am glad that you found our site and felt comfortable enough to share your pain and sadness. I too lost my only child to this dreadful disease and know too well the deep sadness. Please keep posting here and continue with your alanon family They have helped as nothing else can. In alanon I felt connected and understood. I felt the same here as well.
Keep coming back and sharing. You are not alone.
-- Edited by hotrod on Sunday 2nd of September 2012 10:09:27 PM
Sorry doesn't even begin to express my deep regret for your tragic loss of your beautiful son. My son is also an addict and Caroline we are doing all the things you stated you did and while there is a part of me that always fears the worst I know that continuing to enable our son would not help anyone and just prolong what ever the consequences are going to be for all of us. No one knows what another persons bottom is but sometimes that bottom is death. I have gone thru it with others that I know but today I have to accept that your story may be my story one day. You did everything humanly possible to help your son, there is nothing more you could have done. And I think it was Jerry that nailed it when he said if your son didn't cooperate even God couldn't have stopped what happened. Please know you and your family are in my prayers, I pray the God give you comfort and strength to get thru this tragedy and that eventually you will remember the the man your son was and not the person the disease turned him into. May God Bless
Caroline - I have just had a visit from the police to let me know that my son, aged 32, had been found dead in his flat. He had been drinking since he was 15 and only AlAnon has got me through those years and I am relying on AlAnon to get me through what comes next.
I feel for you - I had lived the scenario of the knock on the door so many times and I pity the poor chap who had to tell me. At the moment I am numb and feel rather sick. In so many ways I have lived waiting for the "the other shoe to drop" and I now feel empty and a bit lost. At least I have a loving husband (not the father) to see me through and speaking to my ex, who is not in AlAnon, was very painful.
My heart goes out to all parents who are suffering in this way and thank you for letting me share this - a bit of a cheek really as I have never posted before but I had to find an outlet as sleep will be impossible.
Thank you for that Hotrod - I keep trying to sleep but not succeeding yet. Only those that have been there know what it is like and the thought of not being alone with this is indeed comforting.
Oh my dearest Redwing! I am crying for you right now. I would not wish this pain on my worst enemy. I wish I could physically hold you in my arms and comfort you. Please accept my deepest sympathies and the many cyberhugs that you will be receiving from this site. Even though I am a newbie as well, I am already feeling a great deal of comfort from this site. I think everyone is right, it is important in our healing to reach out to those who can share in the pain since they have experienced much the same. I know that time does heal all wounds but I also know that there will be a permanent scar on my heart. It has been a month since my son died. The myriad of emotions can sometimes seem overwelming. You will get through them. Guilt is the hardest one for me right now. The logical side of me knows that what everyone here has said is true. There was nothing more that I could have done. My heart still wants to beat me up. Grieving is a process and you have to let yourself go through it. Please continue to seek the comfort that you will need and accept it so you can start the healing. So many hugs coming your way.
I am so sorry for your terrible loss. There is no deeper pain than the loss of a child. I am the parent who is still waiting for that phone call or knock at the door with someone giving me the same news. My son is homeless and called me the other night, he was intoxicated and trying to find the homeless shelter. I tried to direct him there but I wasn't sure he was even understanding what I was saying. Well apparently he made it to the shelter and they told him to come back in 2 hours, which is when they would be opening their doors for the night. 2 hours for an A wandering the street is the perfect excuse to become more intoxicated. And my son did just that. Then he called me again saying he was lost now and couldn't find the shelter. I asked him where "he" was and he was unable to even tell me that and he ended up hanging up on me. Obviously it was a sleepless night for me and I called my son's phone the whole next day with no answer. I called hospitals, checked the jails etc made myself crazy, only for him to call me that night. He had passed out in a park somewhere. He has OD'd so many times we've stopped counting. But i only tell you any of this to reaffirm you and caroline, while going thru the grieving process, know you did everything humanly possible to help your sons. It's a horrible disease and sometimes it wins. Prayers of comfort and healing to both of you Blessings
Thank you all for your support and I am managing to cope with the shock if nothing else.
Yesterday we went to his flat to start clearing and the Housing Association people were just lovely - they had had industrial cleaners in the bathroom where he died so that it wasn't too awful but the flat was a mess with bottles all over the place and when he was not drinking he would have been mortified for anyone to see his flat in that state - he was so house-proud. We have made a start and that is the main thing.
My GP has given me some sleeping tablets which I am loathe to take but at 3.45 this morning I realised I could not go on like that and took one which gave me another fours hours rest. I have to look after me and if that involved drugs for the moment then so be it.
We are awaiting the post-mortem result before anything official can be done and that is hard. My sponsor said I have just got to put my head down and get through it and recognise the various stages of grief and I will do that.
