The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I didn't say it with my last post, but I am GRATEFUL for your support, your feedback, and your kind honesty. I am making an effort to get back on this site more often. A recap, an update, and a couple of issues to discuss -
My AH is still drinking, I think the relapse started around 6-8 weeks ago. He is proving to himself and to me that he can engage in "controlled drinking." Interesting that he seems to be able to have somewhere between 2-3 beers and stop there, but it's gone from once a week to sometimes every night. While we have this "understanding," he still knows it bothers me, so he mostly sneaks off to drink by himself when we're home.Again, we separated this past Spring after a DV incident, for 2 months with no contact. He's been in intensive counseling since. Recently we had a couple of episodes again where he screamed at me in front of my toddler - he stated that he lied about being an Alcoholic last year in order to go into treatment for a month, to save his marriage, and that I am the reason for many unhappinesses in his life. He is allowed to say these things, scream them at me, because "everyone knows your side of the story." If I bring up any issues, he just gets angry and says I'm breaking the rules we agreed upon with our counselor: that we won't talk about anything yet, because we don't have the couple's communication skills.
Then, he calmly sat me down and informed me that I have "systemic issues," that I don't take responsibility, that I don't know who I am, and that I need to get help, or he is leaving. He'd never threatened to leave before, and he knows I am feeling very weak and submissive lately, so this worked. Of course, he suggested the counselor he wants me to see (the one he's been seeing for a year, who is now our couples counselor). My AH has not been a fan of al-anon either.
So, for the last 2 weeks or so, things have been calm. I am seeing the counselor he suggested, not bringing up any serious issues with my AH, and detaching when he drinks often. In a way, I feel like I'm just keeping my head down and my mouth shut - but, to be honest, I feel more calm inside knowing that I am going to only focus on me. Yesterday, however, the counselor basically said (to quote Gandhi) "be the change you wish to see in the world." I agree with this, that my actions affect other people, their energy, their being. But he seems to think divorce should not be an option - and sometimes I feel like he's saying my husband's anger management issues and abusive behavior would not take place if I could control my fear. Something feels very wrong about that! Maybe it's just my perception though.
Someone said recently that their AH's family was supportive of her, until she used the word "abuse." It's been kind of like that for me. My AH's mother has taken on the role of mediator in our relationship, encouraged us to talk with her (she's been involved like this since the beginning of our relationship), but now is much MUCH less available to me. My AH knows I trust her, and says she thinks I should get help too. She actually has a master's in social work, so she thinks she is qualified to help us - in addition to being "capable of being objective." MY issue is that I did and have become very dependent on her. I have trusted her, and believed that she knows better than me - I mean, only one of her four children (my AH) is an absolute train wreck, and she leads a functional life, so she must know better than I, right?
I last spoke with her almost two weeks ago. I made a conscious decision to give her space, as she seems very worn out, and is not responsive to me, only my AH. But, to be honest, I feel quite a lot more calm and at peace now that I'm not contacting her. My sponsor has mentioned in the past that my MIL cannot be my friend, my mom, or my counselor - and I have agreed. But I keep getting sucked back in! My sponsor also suggested that I'm trying to get affirmation that my AH is "bad" and I am "good," because I cannot stand up for myself and feel like I need others to do so. How can I know? What are my motives? It is true that, in my heart, I feel beaten down, am afraid of my AH in various ways. I'm also angry with him for the things he's done to me, and the manipulation I feel now. In my heart I think I continue to want the support of my MIL, and am fearful when she doesn't acknowledge, or minimizes his behavior. She has quite a bit of influence on him (not healthy, I know). I
Sorry for the ramble. My thought is to continue NOT seeking anything from my MIL, keep working on myself, and try to let go. How do I deal with her when she starts calling again?
__________________
"The first step toward success is taken when you refuse to be a captive of the environment in which you first find yourself."
Soooo glad for the update, you know something to keep in mind is that sometimes we outgrow our therapists. it's kind of like going to a medical dr .. they are only as good as the experience they have had with a specific disorder. I don't understand how "divorce is not an option" statements now from you I could empathize from an outside party I would want clarification with that because he is NOT the one who is dealing with the abusive behavior. Whatever our part is in that situation .. abuse is never ok.
I have a situation in which I have a very close dear friend who is also a program friend and I think there is so much vested in them with my relationship I have to remember that anything I say about my STBAX is this is kind of her son .. she raised him and as any mother can see it would be hard to hear about how their child is being abusive and hurting another human being, especially someone else they love.
My suggestion is if the conversation goes towards him or she starts to counsel .. in my own situation I really try and find a different subject. Honestly, it is helping me learn to put the focus back on me and what I need to be doing vs what my STBAX is or is not doing. It's not an easy balance to walk and that's why I have a sponsor who I can talk to about all of the ick and crap that is going on. It's not pretty and it's not nice, I know it's way way way close for her. It's just to close for her to have an objective view of what's going on. She can have ALL of the degrees in the world that's still her baby boy. It's totally normal to feel that way too.
I will also make statements .. oh you know .. I have a counseling session coming up I will bring that up when I am in it. It helps take the pressure off of her. I love her dearly and I do not want to damage my relationship with her just because my need for validation that I am "right" or the "good" one. My actions and his actions speak far louder than I need to.
You have a lot of other things to offer a conversation than just having it be about her son and I think she will find relief in that as well.
Hugs P :)
__________________
Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
With my backgound in AA & Al-anon, I do know all the right things to say but in my son's case, I am not qualified to counsel him because I am too closely related - we're bound by that invisible umbilical cord and my objectivity may be clouded --- if that makes any sense.
When I got here more than a decade ago. I had no boundaries. I spent hours trying to work out what was me and what was them. I needed affirmation all the time for every action I took. I also lived in "abuse". I was around an alcoholic who physically, mentally and in so many other ways abused me. He sought to control everything and blamed me for every single thing that went wrong in his life.
There was plenty of yelling and screaming in our household. Boundaries didn't come to me overnight. These days I still get stuck in certain situations where I feel my interests are not being served. The good thing is that it is a process. The bad thing is that nothing much changed overnight. When I stopped focusing on how "bad" the alcoholic was and how he needed to change that's when things changed. Of course before I could detach I had to have validation that the alcoholic was out of line. Most alcoholics are absolutely out of line. They manipulate, control and take hostages everywhere.
I have been down the counseling, therapy and enrolling everyone around me in a role in trying to unravel what was going on in my relationship. I have to say it helped me in some ways but I didn't see how it was helping until I was a long way down the road. At the time I felt, like you do, that nothing was working and why was that. Change is gradual, it accumulates but you are certainly changing because you are aware of where you are. Awareness is the first step. That is why denial is so hard to penetrate, awareness isn't present.
I am glad you have all those things you need right now. I am glad you are practising the al anon program. There are ideas about boundaries in Getting them Sober by Toby Rice Drew. For me when I was with the alcoholic I paralyzed myself with beating myself to a pulp about when leaving was an option. In fact when I did leave him I had very very little materially but I had a full arsenal of al anon tools and the support of a lot of people. When I left him my issues were still far from over.
I hope you will put down the big stick you are beating yourself with and give yourself a huge hug for being willing to change and grow. So few people are.
