OMG Inspired, Im blown away by this thread,

We all seem to have the same mothers, the competition, the jealousy. To this day its uncomfortable for me and my brothers to talk about our Dad who passed away in front of our Mother. She didnt want us to have a relationship with him, because she was miserable with him and loved another man.

My 2nd marriage was like a dream, he opened a business and he became a millionaire, I had the life and home my Mom dreamed of , she was so jealous. That marriage produced a son, who was born with a heart defect. He died at 2 years old. He had two mental breakdowns from losing his son and turned to cocaine. So my Mother never missed an opportunity to bring it up and torture me with it.

Then when I married the alcoholic, my 3rd marriage, we both had great jobs, traveled , bought a nice home. We both loved to dance, we had a lot of fun and then his disease turned to the worse. Another thing to throw in my face.

There is a connection from the type of Moms we had to why we stayed so long at the fair and accept bad behavior, its connected to our boundaries that were never formed when we were young and growing up.

Inspired, I will try and get you the name of that book. A friend loaned the book to me and she has since moved back to her country. I will ask her. It had self indulgent Mothers in the title, something like that.


Bettina

-- Edited by Bettina on Wednesday 29th of August 2012 08:35:20 PM

I am the 23 year old daughter of an alcoholic addict.

I had what I would describe as an extremely healthy, happy childhood,  I would go so far as to say a typical middle class American experience, as long as my father was in town. Whenever he would spend a weekend away, my mother got drunk, and stayed drunk until he returned.  I can vividly remember her explaining to my sister and I that she had a disease when I was ten, she went to one AA meeting, and limited her consumption to beer (which admittedly was very positive, as drinking heavy liquor made her more violent). Over the years, her drinking humiliated my sister and I on multiple occasions- but we came to expect it. She had stashes of beer throughout the house and water bottles full of vodka and we just knew, if Mom was drinking avoid her- don't bother fighting or really talking to her because it wasn't her. When I was 19, after my sister moved away to college and my grandfather passed away, my mother changed. She morphed from a binge alcoholic to a full blown waste of time and space drunk. She would sit around and drink all day and night without hesitation, its a mystery as to how she kept her job during this time. Suddenly, she decided it was necessary to exercise constantly, color her hair, get fake nails, implants, and visit the tanning beds daily. Mid-life crisis?  It got very bad, it's hard to express the severity of the situation wihtout going into detail but we watched helplessly as she hit many hard walls hoping each was rock bottom so she would be able to start climbing back up the latter instead of falling deeper into the well. We supported her as she attended two different rehab facilities in which we underwent family therapy, to no avail, and was eventually arrested for domestic abuse against my father. This time presented a whirlwind of pain and confusion throughout my entire family. Especially to those outside the home who were unaware of her ongoing binging habit. I'm from a small town, and she had easily convinced us that it was a secret we must always protect, from everyone.

Now, she has 13 months of sobriety, yet nothing has really changed. Shes still the same shallow, selfish, arrogant shell of the person she was before she fell off the deep end. She goes to the AA meetings every night, has a sponsor, and is even sponsoring another girl. She doesnt work the steps, or do service work, she just goes to the meetings. In rehab, she was challenged to wear all of her clothes inside out, and not wear makeup or style her hair because shes an actress- and in her sobriety, shes still acting. She looks perfect, but theres just nothing else there- no one can stand to have a conversation with her because all she wants to talk about is herself, its as if shes a teenage girl going through puberty all over again. Ive done some research, and Im afraid she has a form of alcoholic psychosis or dementia; shes not the same person, or really any person. My question is, has anyone else had this type of experience, and if so what is the proper way to approach her about getting psychiatric help? I used to have a relationship with my mother (as long as my dad was in town!), and I want that back. I just dont know how to reach through this fake Barbie doll to get to who she used to be.

Even if there's nothing wrong with her mentally, how am I supposed to have any semblance of a relationship with this woman who raised me to be nothing like who she is now? I don't know how to talk to someone I love but have absolutely no respect for. She's cause so much pain.