The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Since the kids have gone back to school two weeks ago. There has been no massive crisis in my life. I think it's been MONTHS now that I haven't had to deal with something regarding or related to my wasband.
No wonder I'm detoxing at the moment it's shocking to think this .. it's no wonder this weekend hit me like a ton of bricks. It's no wonder I haven't known what to do with myself!! I have to deal with ME .. no one else!!
It's not that everything is perfect because it's not .. it's life. It's not suppose to be perfect, .. there are no earth shattering, running around, pulling my hair out kind of crisis going on for me. In the first time in a long time I can breathe both in and out and not have to have that split second of actually thinking about breathing. While crisis means something different to each of us, for me it's the stuff that happens that is totally out of my control.
Something significant did happen and it's really not any of my business, I have gone as far as I can go on my part and it's now up to him. I'm being told he wants to come to an AA meeting, as well as church when he has the kids. Seriously, knock me over with hot air and a feather. Until it actually happens it's all words .. the best part is this .. again .. I've done what I can do the rest is up to him. It's his side of the street and all I need to do is focus on me.
Now at least I feel like I can take some steps forward!! I'm so grateful for that fact as well. No looming crisis, the sobriety is for him to take or not take. I have relieved myself of all responsibility in that and I think I have finally given it over because I DO feel so much lighter. Something that helped me so much was my friends in AA saying to me .. you've done everything you can do and giving him a ride is completely ok. You aren't harming him and you aren't harming yourself, your motives appear to be clear and it's not like you are going to a meeting specifically for him .. you are still taking care of you. I can now live in today knowing that Sunday is a long ways away and the only thing I have to do is continue to do the next righ thing. Regardless if he goes or not .. I will be at my own meeting and that's way ok!!
Hugs P :)
__________________
Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
Hugs, Pushka! Your motives are clear, you know what you need to do for you and that's all that matters. You're working a wonderful program of recovery and I enjoy reading your progress. Thanks for sharing!
Isn't that a great realization? When we no longer see everything as a crisis nor are we surrounded by someone who does? Just last night discussing my son (living with the aunt) with my ex, he was relaying her response to signing him up for school and my ex and other kids visiting said son for his birthday next Tuesday. Suddenly she called him back in a panic, wasn't sure she could handle that many people visiting for 4 days.
I said to ex "is panic and crisis an "R" related deal? I see a lot of predicting doom" (R being the last name) - he said "I think it's just her". I let it go. I guess if the panic comes in the form of male escalated rage and anger it's not really panic it's something else? LOL.
Anyway the times I've found myself in a tense situation I just want out of it. I don't want to deal with it at all and for me now I see this as the pendulum. I was in crisis for years repeatly and now if i see the slightest hint of difficulties I want to run. Focus is now on reframing how I see "crisis" most if it really isn't crisis at all, I just need to change how I see and react to it. Expecting it and craving it is not good but I don't think running from it is either but that was my initial reaction the past 5 years.
Progress... LOL I keep telling myself at least it's change so progress must be involved?
I too like having trusted others work through my "motives" and I agree, giving him a ride is not enabling, sounds like he needs a ride. If he had a car - I might think differently but I'm guessing either he can't drive or doesn't have a vehicle?
He has a truck .. the infamous whiskey truck that somehow my twitchy itchy fingers didn't light that sucker on fire. LOL .. it gets 6 miles to a gallon, so realistically he just doesn't have the money to put the gas in it. I would rather him pay his obligations than tither over him driving or me because it's a point I want to make. When we spoke last Sunday he was not in a good place. I really don't know if he had been drinking or not .. he was low emotionally. It was a VERY short conversation and I had offered at that point to drive him. He decided not to go and I let it go. He text on Monday and asked if he could come with us to the meeting next Sunday. I feel that I had already offered, then to turn around and yank away the offer would just be petty on my part. KWIM?
He has the opportunity what he chooses to do with it is up to him. Seriously .. he may go and he may not .. that is entirely up to him. It doesn't matter if he goes or not .. I'm still going to MY meeting and I'm there anyway.
Hugs P :)
__________________
Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
Gotcha and that's the way to see it - offer is there, he has to decide. I actually ignore my ex's back and forth decision making, I get it with him constantly in emails and texts. I completely ignore it because the reality is, he waits to the last minute to commit to anything and I don't really care what he decides in his life. He seems to think I do so I get these texts and emails but they just get deleted. I think more than offering information, he still hopes I'll share back. Yeah... nope. LOL.
Ah I remember this stage of my recovery well my sponsor called it HOW DO YOU MANAGE WHEN THERE IS NO ONE LEFT TO MANAGE ? We work hard to give them back thier lives while we get on with ours and when we have learned to detach from the insanity there is only us to take care of . Sponsors reply to my dilema was now dear YOU get a life . shesh
What a wonderful relief for you. Thank you so much for sharing that observation. I do practice thankfulness on a regular basis and know I can now pay attention when there is no catastophe at hand.
I love your sense of humor wasband, I am so stealing it! It sounds like you are doing great and I love to read your updates! Keep working that great program! Sending you love and support!
__________________
Sending you love and support on your journey always! BreakingFree
Al-Anon/Alateen Family Group Headquarters, Inc. 800-344-2666
" Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional."
"Serenity is when your body and mind are in the same place."
Well, .. I am getting a HUGE lesson in detachment .. LOL .. I'll let you know how it's working for me .. it's flipping NOT!!! UGH!!!
I did get there and I did move through it and I am just blown away by how the disease lies so badly to the person who has it. At the moment I've gone from being a "great friend and a wonderful person" to "you are the most uncaring person I've ever met. You don't care and you never have!" This coming from the man who basically told me over the weekend he never had a "connection" with me and implied that 16 years was a complete lie. After all he never had feelings for me. Of course I'm suppose to say YIPPEEE thanks for that little tidbit of information .. LOL .. seriously? WOW!!! What's true and what's disease at this point he feels nothing for anyone except his feel goods.
That is all stuff I'm sorting through at the moment and having my moments of doing ok and some others not so much.
It is so sad to watch him spin what he's spinning and he has no idea how to stop, I guess the good part is that I let him have the last word. The entire conversation was COMPLETELY bizzaro!!!! I just absolutely was like ookkk .. I have no idea how I even became the bad guy here, as none of this had anything to do with ANY choices I made. These are the consequences of HIS choices and now he's seriously angry that it's a mess and he's the painter of said mess. The State decided based upon his insistence that the judge be the one to make the decision about how much to pay, the judge dictated when it started, how much and what he had to pay. How long is seriously up to him .. I'm just baffled by it all.
Anyway, I'm just going WOW .. I don't even know what to say!!!! It absolutely did NOT ruin my evening. I took the kids to church tonight I'm taking a David Ramsey class about money and that's such a positive thing. I'm very excited about it to say the least. The kids got to do their thing eldest has confirmation and youngest has a Sunday school class he's taking and they were pretty patient considering I am in class longer than they are.
It's just another step of awareness and that's ok. I choose not to spin. I understand he's angry and feels the situation is completely unfair .. then I wonder WOW .. how fair has it been to the kids and I? He can't even look at that .. I'm just like whatever .. I don't know what I can or should say so saying nothing is probably a better way to go. So it's the route I'm choosing.
Hugs P :)
__________________
Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
Whatever you need IP :) The best thing about this program is no matter (and I KNOW how hokey this sounds) what time of day I have permission to start my day over and that's exactly what I did yesterday afternoon. Today has been interesting .. no wasband drama!! I do not choose it.
I'm taking a class at church Dave Ramsey's University of Financial Peace and I have to tell you .. it's the bomb as far as has some 12 step principals and wonderful ESH from him. It has been an experience though and I"m absolutely GRATEFUL for this time and learning. I'm not good with money and I'm getting better this is something on my character defects list for me. So this is such a blessing. The kids and I had a WONDERFUL night last night. They did their thing at church and I got to do mine. TOTALLY great experience!!!!
Anyway, today has been good as well, I've gotten a text and today I just chose to ignore it because I already knew the plan. He's got the kids tonight and they will be home around 830pm. Knowing him it will be before that .. not my issue.
I'm going to treat myself to a movie and popcorn while they are out and I'm going to clean up some paperwork piles as I watch the movie. My man is on tonight .. The Mentalist and I plan on relaxing with that, or whatever is good on PBS. I'm getting my hair did next week, I traded a book series for the hair cut and color. I took care of a few things that needed to be done. Tomorrow I will be mowing .. ROFL .. I swear I JUST did that however .. with the rain we've had the grass is growing so I can't complain there.
It does get better, .. keep coming back and just keep doing the next right thing. Come here and find inspiration and hope, my attitude can be my best friend or be my own downfall.
Hugs P :)
__________________
Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
That is great! I had an okay day. Just I am not in a good mood. I guess all the neg of my S/O has drained me. I am seriousily exausted. Probably why I am feeling this way. I can't sleep yet because the girls are up. Once they go to bed at 8pm then I can get to my highlight of the day! Al Anon meeting! Yay! I got three books from the library that I have been waiting for to come in, been on hold. Started the one book already. I am enjoying it but it is a heart breaker! It's a bio of this young fellow that lived through an AF. I am starting to see so much of my own thinking when I lived through that. It really puts alot of perspective when someone else is writing the story. It also hurts because what he describes is the same feelings and questions I had as a kid.
SO between me readng, identifying, dealing with S/O negativity and trying to cut it loose by focussing on myself and the girls (I am totally whipped!).
I am so glad pay day is tomorrow! I had like $1.20 to my name today and I managed to make my girls' world go around over 30 cent candies today LOL. They were busting with joy! They keep me going that is for sure!
I am def coming back. I just hate being a suck. I know it will past. I am just tired. Thanks for the encouragement Push! HUGS HUGS HUGS! One more! Hugs.
__________________
"It's impossible said pride. Its risky said experience. Its pointless said reason. Give it a try whispered the heart - Anonymous (via Tad)
We work hard to give them back thier lives while we get on with ours and when we have learned to detach from the insanity there is only us to take care of . Sponsors reply to my dilema was now dear YOU get a life . shesh