The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I so badly want peace and serenity in my life!!
How do you know when it's time to leave? Husband is an A and has no intention of getting help. He is actually a very sweet man and would never treat me poorly. He doesn't come home drunk anymore like he used to, he was a stumbling, getting sick, blackout drunk. He went for some bogus counseling for a while and swears he has stopped drinking, but I can smell that stale alcohol breath a few times a week, he is a liar. I get angry to the point that I can't sleep and have stomach pains, seriously......what is wrong with me that I can't just say goodbye?
Gracie, we have all been there. I see you are new. I just recently started here too. Please come to an Al Anon meeting if you feel ready. Things will become clearer once you start to realize what is happening, I think only then we can make those decisions (without guilt).
Hugs to you. You aren't alone.
__________________
"It's impossible said pride. Its risky said experience. Its pointless said reason. Give it a try whispered the heart - Anonymous (via Tad)
Many of us have asked that same question, and the answer whether it is time to go or time to stay is different for all of us. I used to get those stomach pains too, as well as the sleepless nights.
As Inspired suggested, find an Al-Anon meeting in your area. Once we started attending meetings and giving the Al-Anon program a try, many found answers to the questions that seemed so elusive.
I am assuming your not attending Al-Anon for yourself ,please find meetings your worth the effort . It is possible to be happy living in an alcoholic marriage , our program will show you how to do that . It is suggested that a new commer attend meetings for a few months before making a life altering decission , Divorce .. once you get your focus back on the one thing you can control YOU and your life you may think differently . I personally felt that I owed it to myself and my husb to try this program for one yr and if things hadnt improved by that time I would leave the marriage . Luckily my husb followed me into recovery 3 yrs later I have never been sorry I stayed . Louise
I didn't try the program either before I walked out and wonder if it would have made a difference. He is still drinking however and enjoys being alone now. I used to wonder and read too when would it be enough. I think after a bad weekend with him that I was sure he was going to have a apologize big for, he acted like nothing happened and was happy as a lark. I sat there all day numb and I waited for him to go to work and packed my car. You know when you know. For me it was the fact that it had become the norm. He didn't feel the need to apologize and thought I should just accept my place. I felt like it was me or him and this man was not going to take my self respect too. We did trying to get back together but the time he has spent single and drinking daily wit h the freedom to not try and hide it has put him in a new place. If you leave to try and teach them a lesson there is always a chance it will just get worse. Try and seek some help first and get healthier before you make a decision that might be irreversible and then decide if he still doesn't find change are you willing to live with what you got. Best wishes for you.
I actually have been in a program for some time. I have set many boundaries, I take good care of me as well. I have a good job, can easily support myself, have great friends and amazing kids (all out of the home). But I am stuck in this place of getting so angry with all of the lies, wanting to leave, then here I am, doing nothing. Ugh! Thank you so much for your replies!
Have you read "Getting Them Sober" by Toby Rice Drews, great book! I believe you will know when and if the time is ever right. Sending you love and support!
__________________
Sending you love and support on your journey always! BreakingFree
Al-Anon/Alateen Family Group Headquarters, Inc. 800-344-2666
" Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional."
"Serenity is when your body and mind are in the same place."
This is a discussion that hits home. I have watched my AW for the past 3 months go to a meeting or to the store and then return home with a bottle hidden in her purse or on her person. She drinks just enough to deny she has had a drink, but occassionally she just passes out. The next day its, "How are you today" as though the previous day never happened. I have concluded that my AW is living in another world apart from me. Although we have conversations, I am not a part of her life. If we have any conversations about her drinking, she quickly is abhores that I would even speak about it. I quietly monitored her drinking and realized that she drinks every day. (yes, I am that dumb). Regardless of the circumstances, the drinking takes place on schedule. This disregard for everything and everyone is the most disturbing aspect of her drinking. Even if we are babysitting our grand children, there is no regard for their safety or well being. After showing my AW the collection of empty bottles that were the results of 2 the past weeks drinking, she agreed that she would move into our winter home. She has since been delaying that departure. This anticipated separation is a major event in our relationship. I am the enabler for her drinking. Without me, the cat will be out of the bag. I have made excuses for her in the past. That ends now. She has been in 2 in-patient programs in 1 year and had nothing but demogging things to say about them. She actually said, "I am not like those people".
-- Edited by gyzer02 on Thursday 30th of August 2012 08:29:12 AM
Yes, I have wondered the same. AND, I've been in Al-Anon for 3.5 years! Today, I feel like I'm struggling a great deal, with the guilt of staying, and of not having "gotten better" to the point of being able to make a clear decision. My AH is manipulative and verbally abusive, and we've had physical incidents over the last year as well. You'd think this would be straightforward! It's not, there are many layers involved, both our issues and theirs. The best advice I have right now is to keep going to meetings, work on your health and focus on what YOU need.
As a counselor recently said to me "K, your history predisposes you to believing in his crap!" :) Gave me a chuckle, but it's true. The confusion often lies in our patterns of thinking - but don't mistake that for causing anything, and don't take responsibility for things that aren't yours.
Be well.
__________________
"The first step toward success is taken when you refuse to be a captive of the environment in which you first find yourself."
I had the same question when I was married. In my scenario I'd been married for 15 years. I tried leaving once, had no support, and went back. Not trusting my instincts was how I was raised. This set me up for being emotionally needy, and ready to latch onto the wrong kind of guy.
I finally knew I had to leave when I had a seriously scary bought with high blood pressure at the age of 33. That's when I started going to Al Anon, where I was supported through the divorce.
Sometimes I still fall into denial of other pink elephants, and am slowly learning to address huge warning signs. Back when I was 33 it would've been an unpardonable sin to say to myself, "I'm going to make this huge decision and not be ready to 'beat myself up' if I find out down the road that it was the wrong decision."
It would've been miraculous for me to be able to say that. I went from saying, "I don't know about much of anything with personal matters. I have to let others show me what to think and feel, and I'm so rotten that I should first seek permission to feel and think my defective thoughts and feelings." to......."Sh*t (now I'm allowed to feel anger without being punished, but am not a prisoner to anger). Ouch (safe to acknowledge pain when there's support). I don't have to tell my kids to stay in a marriage that's threatening their health, so why do I have to tell myself to do that? I could explain what the marriage is doing to me, and to honestly and kindly take care of myself, however that needs to occur." That miracle came slowly through years of Al Anon, positive role models and life itself.
After the divorce, when a major illness hit, I was duped by a cyberstalker on Facebook, and ignored initial warning signs. I still didn't trust my instincts and still felt needy but was aware enough to not get involved beyond the computer. In the book "Co-Dependent No More" it says that having trouble taking care of ourselves boils down to being able to love ourselves unconditionally. That's a journey Al Anon's helping me travel.
