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Could really use some thoughts...quick...husband is the alc, married 13 years. Sex life sucks...to me its just one more obligation ...to him its the world...aint that the way ladies. Hes had one affair...ive tried to move on..hes an active alc ... I try to cope....hes out 2_3times a week....to me, sex is nothing...why bother. To him...he says hes spent mst of his lve feeling unwanted(poor fam hx)and wont spend the marruage that way too. As you may know...we have an eight yo, I sty so as to not share her with anyone and when husb is good...its good, but the intimacy thing is a HUGE issue...would love some thoughts.....thanks. Btw...for those who pm with me, our recent vaca....sucked....long story...:(
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When all else fails...there is Faith, Hope and Prayer.
We have the same issue. Major problem for us. We had marriage counseling today and it was all he talked about, when he wasn't defending his behavior or throwing me under the bus in some other way. Have you thought about going to therapy just for you? That's really helped me solidify why I'm having issues and really it comes down to trust. Unfortunately, for AH his problem is that his masculinity is tied up in getting some bedroom time. We're pretty much at an impasse and quite frankly, things may not work out for our marriage at this point. I'm sure others will come on here and share their feelings soon, too.
My ex wasn't an active A while we were married 15 years but same story here. What I learned having gotten out of that, is that it was entirely based on the fact that I was miserable in the relationship. I had no respect for my ex, he was mean and nasty many days, he was selfish and the entire thing to him was just a feel good moment, there was no love in it.
I found out there was nothing wrong with me in fact, I'm doing just fine in that department as long as I feel valued, loved, cared for and respected. My ex will never change who he is and so I'm glad I decided to leave finally but it has been hell on my kids. In our case there was enough bad going on with the kids that the divorce was actually less traumatic than had I stayed.
I don't have a lot to offer in the way of insight but I think this is pretty universal for women, we have to feel valued and loved at the same time so we can give it back.
Yes...im seking therapy although im soooo damn tired of being the one to get therapy. Sure you can relate. Does the therapist help YOU at all. May pm you later...thanks
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When all else fails...there is Faith, Hope and Prayer.
My experience is very similar. Married 15 years and it has been an issue for us almost as long. AH has been in recovery for about 20 months and things have not improved much in that area. Then again, even though he is no longer actively drinking, the selfishness, manipulation and poor ability to communicate have not improved much either. For the last few years before I started al anon, I was starting to believe what RAH told me, that it was a problem with me. In the last 6 months or so I have come to believe that it is just part of who I am...I need to have an emotionally intimate relationship in order to feel like having a physically intimate relationship. The two are very tied together for me. And that's not a bad thing. For him, not so much...but he also grew up in a dysfunctional alcoholic family and his parents had a terrible relationship, so I'm starting to understand that he has no idea what I'm talking about when I say "emotionally intimate" relationship. I don't think he's ever experienced anything close. I'm starting to realize that the alcohol was truly only one symptom of the disease for him. It really is a family disease.
Ditto....no value...no intimacy. He claims its not jyst about him but gee, im struggling huge. Its just another job to me. For him its his worth....so much more to say but gotta go be mom...later
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When all else fails...there is Faith, Hope and Prayer.
I feel the same way. I don't even ask anymore. Because every time I try to make a move I get shot down. Endless list of why he doesn't want to but for him ...gosh if he wants it. He will do anything in his power to say, or make me want him.
He is extremely selfish. I just want to be held. I don't even care about sex anymore. Not really a turn on. Infact when we do it. He does most of the work. He tells me I am like a dead corpse. Yep that is just about how I feel inside.
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"It's impossible said pride. Its risky said experience. Its pointless said reason. Give it a try whispered the heart - Anonymous (via Tad)
Not sure if our relationship will survive either. Never thought I'd feel that way, or feel so accepting of it. I stayed in it for so long because it was the "right" thing to do for the kids, because I took a vow, because I have compassion for him and his struggles. But somewhere in there I forgot about myself. And just as I understand how important physical intimacy is to him, I'm also starting to realize that the need for me to have emotional intimacy is JUST as important. I don't have to let my needs take a backseat. We are at a crossroads about it and I'm perfectly ok with that for now...
Oh to be perfectly ok...with anything.there are days I feel like my life is one crisis after another....i too stay out of all the same reasons listed above....and the idea leaving sends me into a panic.....i cant face it. Right now all I draw on is that im a child of God and that my worth comes from Him....no one else. That gets me through...unfortunately my ah is not on that page...for him its..." This is me, like it or not....sex = love =aceptance and worth...get on board"...that sounded awful...makes him sound like a real jerk...he is sometimes....but leaving is not a place I can wrap my heart and soul around....yet....
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When all else fails...there is Faith, Hope and Prayer.
Men do not readily understand that women need romance and connectedness to have sex. They are really dumb that way because they don't experience sex like that. I sit back and watch the dyfunction in straight couples on this issue and shake my head at how stupid men can be about this issue and not recognizing the fundamental differences between the sexes and also not even trying to act the way they did which made you feel connected to them in the first place. Kind of like "well you are married to me so now I get to use you as my sex toy."
Of course gay men have the opposite issue which is that they rarely progress beyond sex to even have intimacy with each other.
Pinkchip's right and if you were dealing with a normal marriage where there is equality and compassion and empathy, you might be able to communicate your emotional needs to your spouse and have both partners get their needs met. Unfortunately, A's are selfish and narcissistic and immature so getting your emotional needs met from them is like going to the hardware store for bread. It's just not going to happen. We all have choices we can make and we all have compromises we can make, as well. The question is: how does it apply TO YOU? Everyone of us, despite having similar problems with alcoholics, still has differing needs and expectations from our marriages. So, where do YOU go from here? Get into meetings, work your recovery, and ask your Higher Power for the strength and patience to take it one day at a time.
For me, it was a similar issue, only from a man's perspective... For a long time, I used to (very reluctantly) agree to sex with my AW - but it made me feel awful afterwards, as she would only 'engage' with me if she was plastered. I ended up putting up a boundary - for me - that I would not have 'drunk sex' - which really meant I wouldn't have any at all... She didn't like it (of course), and accused me of using this as yet another form of control (of course), but bottom line - I felt better about myself, having made this decision....
Tom
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"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
I absolutely gravitate to the Love part which is great...the sex part? I don't think I've ever got that part right. I do know that it's marvelous when accomplished "in love" and that it is just a stab (no pun intended) in the dark when love doesn't abide. Still learning and not enabling. ((((hugs))))
I'm new here. And well, my significant other is the alcoholic. He's been dealing with his DWI and probation for two years or longer, I'm not sure, he's lied so much over our period of dating. Our sex life too in the beginning was all about him, his needs and sometimes still can be. Communication is such a huge issue, it's like pulling eye teeth. I've NEVER been in a relationship like this before in my entire life, and it's sapped the life out of me. I will say, in his defense, that at times our communication like this past week has been better, but when he goes back to his drinking, all bets are off. I guess you all know how it is.
Same ole song and dance? And yes like other posters have said, it's about their masculinity. Love is sex to my guy. It's how he expresses himself. But without the intimacy I'm not there. I have to have that foreplay and that loving feeling. Not a mean person chopping me up verbally, ya know? I want him to hold me and let me know he's going to be there and things like that. This man just can't seem to commit, and yet can't seem to let go of me at the same time.
We dont' live together. So it's an odd relationship. It's almost like he holds me at arms length. For so long I couldn't figure out what I was doing wrong. Then my best friend told me. She said, He's an alcoholic. I was like, No. and then said, yes...you're right. But why would he chose to drink with his friends over me?
I love him and want to make this work, but at times also feel very conflicted and realize that it may never happen. That he may never give up drinking. I've come here looking for support and think I've found the right place.
His words kill my soul. And break my heart. Yet I still love him. Sometimes I don't want to ever see him again.
Loves. welcome. I hope you find much comfort in reading these posts. I like you went through the similar stuff during my dating period with my S/O. I love him so fierly it is unwaivering. I also do understand his words kill your soul and break your heart. Take this one day at a time. :) Please come back and keep speaking out.
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"It's impossible said pride. Its risky said experience. Its pointless said reason. Give it a try whispered the heart - Anonymous (via Tad)
Thanks Inspired. Its nice to know others have been there. :)
Most of the time, all I hear is that I need to move on. Get away from him because hes so bad. He's not evil or bad all the time. I know he's not perfect. And that he's got a demon he's fighting. But sometimes I also know I'm part of the problem too. And that was hard for me to realize. Because I argue with him and make things worse. Sometimes its better to just stop. Take a deep breath, and say what you have to and walk away. Most people already know what they are doing wrong. We really don't always need to remind them. :)
