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I have been dating a recovering alcoholic for just about 9 months. He is just over 10 months sober (I did not know he was in recovery until we were dating nearly 2 months). I have needed some emotional support the last few days due to a scary medical situation. I am still awaiting test results with no idea what may lie ahead. He knew I was on edge and I asked him to distract me the day before so I wouldn't focus on it. Instead, he focused on himself, himself, himself and was absolutely horrible the entire day. I bit my tongue the entire day, as I always do, but it just got to be too much by the end of the day. So, I spoke up, in a kind and polite manner, and told him how utterly disappointed I was with his behavior the entire. I also told him I was concerned that if something serious was diagnosed, he would be unable to provide the support I needed. Of course, it turned into a huge fight with him insisting I created the problem because of something I did early in the day (which I didn't do). In other words, it was my fault that his disease took over and that he acted horribly to me all day. I went to bed fuming at him, unresolved and thoroughly disgusted with the entire situation. He took me to my appointment the next day, and then went off on his own. When he came back in the late afternoon, presumbly to have a nice dinner and evening with me, he was pouting and miserable and acting like I had done something terrible to him. Now, this morning, he is all smiles, like nothing happened at all.
I have several concerns here. First, I believe I set up this situation by allowing him to dominate the relationship in terms of focus. It's absolutely always 100% about him and his seemingly endless list of needs. Of course, I have needs, some of them exactly the same, but it is never ever discussed. He doesn't really know much about my day to day, or pay attention to what is happening in my life. This has evolved because any time I attempt to share a night out with a girlfriend, or something else, whatever has occurred in his life, takes precedence over mine and he cuts me off or simply doesn't listen. Now, 9 months into our relationship, he doesn't know much about me, but I can tell you about his entire life until the day we met. This is just so unbalanced and worrisome.
I am also concerned that he is treating me in the same way he treated his ex wife. I hear how polite, empathetic and able to converse he is with others, I see it in person, but with me, it does not happen. It is so rare that I say anything beyond the mundane that it's absurd. We don't converse, I simply listen to him prattle on about himself endlessly. He can say some of the rudest things to me, and speak to me in the most demeaning way. Perhaps it is too soon after exiting the marraige, and he is stuck in an old pattern of relationships.
My other concern is that perhaps he has a mood disorder. I was married to a man who is bipolar and I am starting to see similar traits. Particularly, the blame game, where no matter what happens, I made him do it. That on-off switch between pouting and smiling feels so familiar. His moods are just so uneven and so unpredicatable, I don't know what I am getting at any given moment.
Finally, this over the top selfishness is just too much. I understand it is a common trait to alcoholics, but I am wondering if it is also just who he is.
Now that I re-read this, it sounds like only a crazy desperate woman would stay with this man. But, this is not the constant with us. We can and do have fun, share quality time together, and enjoy each other. During those times, I see a man who knows how to love and respect me. But when these flare ups occur, I am so turned off and question how much longer I can stay with him, if these childish tantrums and behaviors will ever end, if he will ever realize how over the top selfish he is in his behaviors. My biggest concern is how he is ever going to be there for me when I need him. So far, he has failed at that on more than one occassion.
Is this going to be our relationship forever? If so, I need to bail now before it's too late. I need a supportive man who can see beyond his own needs and I question if he can ever be that way.
OMG, you've been reading my mail! I was married to a man (sober and in AA) like that for 18 years and he almost drove me insane. I sure can't tell you what to do, perhaps you could handle things better than I could, but my man would not/could not change and made that very clear. We went to counseling many times and he sat there and looked me in the eyes and said "I am never going to be that man for you." Finally, I took him at his word and left. The marriage ruined my life and the divorce ruined our family. Our children are suffering terribly. I wish I'd never met that man...somebody told me to run, don't walk. Wish I'd listened.
I was married to a lovely man for three years before I discovered he was an alcoholic. He told me that because he had been sober a long time, he didn't feel it was appropriate to tell me about his gin-laden past. Our life together became intolerable and I finally ended the marriage and after that, the relationship. Just like you, I was given the blame every time he took a drink and ended up passed out and sick. It was all about him. Never a consideration of me.
Ok. Now I have talked enough about my situation. This is about you. Please don't take this as advice, but getting out of this relationship now has its merits. Can you envisage living the rest of your life like this? DO you want to do that? The disrespect and verbal abuse does not get better. I send much positive energy to you, and hope that you will consider alternatives to a life of misery
Diva
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"Speak your truth quietly and clearly..." Desiderata
Run don't walk. I wish I had taken up the opportunity when my husband said that he could never be the man I was looking for. I only asked him to cut back from drinking everyday.
I stayed because I'm a trier and Im the type to keep working at things but with this one I'm lost. That was 4 years ago. I'm still trying.
My main focus is now on me until I decide what I am going to do and when the time is right.
But that's only my feelings no one can tell you what to do. The decision has to be right for you and you only. Not even your partner.
Look after yourself
I've been there. Well, actually am still sort of there . I remember being very sick a few years back when my kids were really young. I woke my AH up (he was hungover) and asked him to watch the kids because I couldn't function. He did, for a few hours. Then he came upstairs and told me to get out of bed, he was done, he had had enough and I would just have to get over being sick. He was so angry about the whole thing, I did get up for fear that he wouldn't actually take care of the kids if I didn't. I told myself that day that I would never get sick again...because obviously their dad was not up to the job and I couldn't risk it. Well, I honestly didn't get sick again for about 5 years, but I did feel like I was dying. Slowly, day after day, I lost energy, was depressed, I really thought I might be dying of some terrible disease. And on top of that I became terrified of dying. In reality, I was being poisoned by our toxic relationship, my part included.
We've had many good times too--it certainly wasn't all bad. Lots of fun, lots of laughs, he can be one of the most fun people I know. But I'm starting to allow myself to realize...that is not all love is. It's easy to love someone when everything is good. But everything is not always good--it's life. It's full of ups and downs--and the downs are when you really show someone you love them...if you can, and some people simply can't do that.
My AH has been sober for about 20 months, but still many of the old behaviors remain. I'm very uncertain what the future will hold for us, together. I do know that I no longer feel like I am dying since coming to this board and attending meetings. I feel like I am living again. And I know I don't have to decide "everything" today...I can just decide to do the next right thing, for me and for my kids. Not in a selfish way, just in a healthy way.
The selfishness is amazing and so are the temper tantrums. It all comes down to if he is not willing to change, is this is enough for you for the rest of your life. Chances are good that he won't change. Change yourself and see if he changes. Take away the alcohol and if there are other disorders, they are still there . The alcohol just enhances them when they are using. Mine pouted all the time when he was sober. Alcoholics are emotionally immature with or without the alcohol. Educate yourself on alcohol, being an enabler (co-dependent) and Al-anon and then ask yourself again in a few months if there are no changes - Is this what I want for my life. My opinion and what I have read, they are not very helpful when you get sick!! I always told mine, if something happened to me, to refer to my son.
JJ wow! Are you looking into my life! He half the time doesn't believe me when I am really sick! I had a ruptured cystis in my one of my ovaries. I was in so much pain. He is like you are always in pain, one thing after another, you are so paranoid! On and on. Well when I got the hospital they were VERY concerned, they ordered a batter of tests and saw there was blood that had leaked in my lower ab. Seriousily I thought I was dying. He was cruel and heartless while I was suffering.
My oldest is always the one there for me. Concerned and quick to help. He just tosses me like garabage. :(
I never knew that until you brought that up. Why is that?
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"It's impossible said pride. Its risky said experience. Its pointless said reason. Give it a try whispered the heart - Anonymous (via Tad)
I think you described the active A and sober alcoholic in the original post.. my AA is the same way (its like I was reading my own life) .. i try my best to work on me. But like someone else said... when someone told them to run, not walk away..RUN AWAy .. I wish I wouldve listened also. Alls good right now, but the wind could change at any given second.. you just never know.. Living by plan B is my life for me and our son now...
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..."expecting the world to treat you fairly because your a good person, is like expecting a bull to not attack you because your a vegetarian "
Sorry I missed all these responses but now that I have read them I do need to respond. First of all, he is not drinking and has not had a drink since I have known him. He is working very hard to stay sober and I believe he has no desire to return to drinking. He has an amazing sponsor who I can't wait to thank for his incredible ability to guide.
I know that my bf has traits that are undesirable, but..... he is working on them, we discuss things and we both want to make this work. He goes to a meeting when he is "hit" and makes every effort to stay away from me during those times.
Right now, he is going through a tough time that everyone would find difficult : finalizing the divorce, watching his family move into a small apartment, seeing his son start high school in a new community (and this young man has Aspergers). Anyone one of us would be in rough shape at this time; I know I was. It is hard not to feel guilty about how things worked out so I am compassionate and understanding toward him. I know he is trying.
What I hope is that the next time I have to deal with a problem that is stressful, he can turn off his needs and help me get through my thing. Only time will time.
I happy to report that the tests showed I am healthy, definitely feeling relieved.
I am glad that your test results are positive . I am puzzled as to the reason that you post your pain and fears here , receive powerful honest responses from members, who are or have been where you are- and then you then argue for your partner, understand his pain and are willing to work things out.
Alcoholism is a disease that can be arrested and not cured. Drinking alcohol is only a MINOR symptom of the illness I am glad your partner is attending AA and working hard--- I suggest that your continued attendance at alanon would give you more constructive tools to support this relationship.
I am not arguing for my partner, not at all. But multiple people said he was drinking and that it was taking place during those times, which is not the case. In addition, I will end the relationship if he does drink and he is well aware of that. He IS going through a very difficult time that anyone would find challenging. I suffered greatly during my divorce, as is the case for anyone with a heart. He is working hard to improve his behaviors, but it is a case of one step forward and two steps back.
One of the things I find difficult is following a conversational thread such as this. Often, the original message gets lost and other ideas (generally unrelated) are thrown out there.
For the record, I do not attend alanon meetings and do not intend to do so. He is aware of this and respects my reasoning. Please do not ask me why as it is very private and not something I am willing to share with anyone.
Thanks for your support.
If only life were as easy as putting words on paper.
"Now that I re-read this, it sounds like only a crazy desperate woman would stay with this man. But, this is not the constant with us. We can and do have fun, share quality time together, and enjoy each other. During those times, I see a man who knows how to love and respect me. But when these flare ups occur, I am so turned off and question how much longer I can stay with him, if these childish tantrums and behaviors will ever end, if he will ever realize how over the top selfish he is in his behaviors. My biggest concern is how he is ever going to be there for me when I need him. So far, he has failed at that on more than one occassion.
Is this going to be our relationship forever? If so, I need to bail now before it's too late. I need a supportive man who can see beyond his own needs and I question if he can ever be that way."
IF this is going to be your relationship forever, do you want to accept living with it exactly the way it is right now? Put the issue of whether there is alcohol use or no alcohol use aside. Concentrating on the selfishness - people don't change unless they do the work to get the changes they want.
IF you are able to freely express your concerns about his selfishness, and, IF he is able and willing to acknowledge the selfish behavior and the destruction they cause, and, IF he expresses the desire to correct the selfish behavior, and, IF you see proof over time of the success of his efforts to correct the selfish behavior,
THEN and only then will you know the answer to your question - no one else can really answer it for you except you and him. Yes it is possible to change negative behavior but it takes concerted and continued effort to do so. Good luck.
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I am strong in the broken places. ~ Unknown
All changes, even the most longed for, have their melancholy; for what we leave behind us is a part of ourselves; we must die to one life before we can enter another! ~ Anatole France
Thank you for reinforcing my very words and thoughts, likemyheart. He is about to get a job offer, find a place to live and attain one year of sobriety. I am hopeful that all of this positive reinforcement will propel our relationship to the place I believe it can and should be.
. I remember being very sick a few years back when my kids were really young. I woke my AH up (he was hungover) and asked him to watch the kids because I couldn't function. He did, for a few hours. Then he came upstairs and told me to get out of bed, he was done, he had had enough and I would just have to get over being sick. He was so angry about the whole thing, I did get up for fear that he wouldn't actually take care of the kids if I didn't. I told myself that day that I would never get sick again...because obviously their dad was not up to the job and I couldn't risk it. Well, I honestly didn't get sick again for about 5 years, but I did feel like I was dying. Slowly, day after day, I lost energy, was depressed, I really thought I might be dying of some terrible disease. And on top of that I became terrified of dying. In reality, I was being poisoned by our toxic relationship, my part included.