The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
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information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
The past week has been a living hell. My husband has started drinking hard liquor instead of beer. He is so delusional that it is scary. I found a butcher knife by the bed three mornings ago and then found it by the front door this morning. He wanted to call the police on our neighbor last night because he thought she was threatening him. She wasn't. She was having a private conversation with her boyfriend about an argument she got into with someone else. She didn't even know my husband was sitting on the balcony. His paranoia is ridiculous. I just went back to bed.
So, I spent the better part of this morning looking for my own apartment. I have talked to my family and they are going to help me financially until I get on my feet. Which shouldn't be long because I FINALLY got a teaching position after looking for 3 years!
I am not going to tell him I am leaving, I am going to wait until he is gone out of town for work in a couple of weeks and leave then. If I leave while he is here he will not let me take the puppy and leaving her here is NOT an option. He is not drinking today, but I am choosing to not be around him because when he isn't drinking he is somewhat a normal person. Then I see glimpses of the man I fell in love with and it makes it more heart breaking to see the slobbering, stumbling, delusional drunk that I know will emerge if not tomorrow then the next day.
I don't feel hurt and I am not going to argue with him about drinking. I just don't care anymore. I want to get out and be done with it. I don't deserve to live this way and I don't have to.
I know you really suffered in coming to this conclusion. You have really tried. Praying for you to have the peace of mind you deserve. Supporting you through whatever choice brings you serenity.
That sounds like a scary environment right now. I am glad you are taking steps to protect yourself and take care of you. Until then stay safe. Keep an emergency bag with extra keys, clothes and a bit of money somewhere close for a quick exit if needed.
I just wanted to add that living with the disease of alcoholism affects us in a very negative manner. We develop coping skills that appear to work in the insanity of the disease however in the world at large they are a huge detriment to our interactions with others.
Alanon Face to Face meetings and this Board are for people who live or HAVE lived with the disease of alcoholism. We learn to let go of our negative feelings of : anger, resentment, self pity and fear and develop healthy responses to situations that once confused us.
I too would like to suggest that you look up alanon in your community or attend our on line meetings
I am just sick and tired. I am tired of working all the time just to come home to a dirty house and laundry piled up to the ceiling and him sleeping off a drunk or getting drunk. I am disgusted and fed up. I clean the house only to wake up to it dirty again... if anything gets done, I have to do it. I might as well be on my own if I am going to do everything by myself. I know that I deserve a better life than this. I am just biding my time until he goes to work. Please please everyone who reads this pray that he does go away to work so I will be able to take my puppy when I leave. That is the ONLY thing keeping me here. I know that some people would say for me to go ahead and leave, but I can't go without her. She is just like a child and needs love and attention. He does give her attention but he doesn't take care of her, he makes her wait to go outside and then gets angry with her if she has an accident. He doesn't pay any attention to her unless if he feels like it. She is an innocent baby and I am the only one who plays with her and takes care of her. I talked to an officer yesterday and he told me that if they come when I am getting my things if he is adamant about keeping the dog, there is nothing they can do. She is considered marital property and has to stay with the house by law! So, I can't leave my baby.
I did try to talk to him when I got home from school today. He had just started drinking beer, so I thought I might be able to. I just told him that I am not angry and I accept that he doesn't want to quit drinking. But, I can't live with the constant drunken state he is in. He didn't say anything except "ok"... and he kept on drinking. It doesn't matter... I just don't want him to be totally shocked when he comes home and I am gone. At least he can't say I didn't try to tell him.
Almost I am so sorry to hear that :( Sounds like you have really come to the fork in the road. Congrats on the job! It's wonderful news. I pray for your safety. I am so happy you have support! It is extremely important. Many hugs to you!
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"It's impossible said pride. Its risky said experience. Its pointless said reason. Give it a try whispered the heart - Anonymous (via Tad)
He can say you didn't tell him....and he probably will...even though you told him a trillion different times and in every way you could think of. That is how maddening the disease is. My ex-A whined to me about how he lost everything when I left. About how I just all of the sudden "walked out." ...Um...I left him the house, the furniture...pretty much everything.
I can relate very much. I stayed for a long time because of my dogs (and cats too). In the end I temporarily left the dogs with him. Needless to say they went downhill fast. He left them alone for days, didn't feed them. So I arranged for the dogs to come live with me. Getting the dogs was so so key to my being able to cut off the ex A. He absolutely didn't want to take care of them, his disease was that bad. I have had the dogs with me for 5 years now and it is great.
I would hope with the help of a sponsor you can arrange how to transition out. There are lot of ends to tie up for you.
Reading your post, and many others on here, have helped me look back and see what I should have/ could have. I've lived with my alcoholic BF for 3 years and been with him off and on for 10. At least once a year I have tried to leave, just like you. Come up with a plan when he's away and stay as disconnected as possible. I didn't seek any support and even after coming up with a feasible plan, his charm would draw me to stay. Two children later and one on the way I still have my backup plan every month...what if and where will we all go?
He's spent the past two years off and on trying to stay sober, but even with the help from AA he will relapse monthly. Your story about the knife by the door and paranoia are familiar, once the police were called to our house for a noise complaint on a drunk night and he went to answer the door swinging a machete. I had to almost tackle him to the ground so he wouldn't get shot before the police saw what he had, he thought they were intruders. This happened during a RELAPSE. Even if your man gets help, which it doesn't sound like he's showed interest in yet, there's a long road ahead of you.
You have a good job and a sweet puppy, take your life with you and start on your own! You have the advantage, don't let years go by like I did. My only option now is to take my children to a shelter in the bad part of town, if I left when I had a good job and no children my chances for happiness would be just around the corner. It's not going to be easy, find a sponsor or good friends who will hold you to it.
