The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Reading other posts and thinking of my own situation I am amazed and just blain baffeled by the selfishness of this disease. In the nine years of living with my husband drinking and dry drunking it he always tried to show me affection and concern. He always had a crisis we had to handle but was appreciative and was thankful for our relationship and apologetic for his shortcomings. When I noticed he was starting to get disrespectful and and angry and was sneak drinking I beat it. The last year and a half he has drank non-stop and spent all his money in bars, got another DUI and has no problem taking help and money and being plain selfish. He will use terms like I have to do what it takes to survive and take care of me. I can't worry about anyone elese. He makes enough money to do more than survive but blows it all. I am shocked by this change of personality in him and he comes of like a crack head to me at times. I started to belived it was about me and that he just doesn't love me anymore, even though separated he insists he does and that we will be together again. Then I see these posts and other articles and I have to accept that this disease is progressing in him. Is this correct? What makes them so selfish? I get so confused and wonder if it's just because they don't care and respect anymore or is this really advanced alcoholism? I guess I should not care and it doesn't matter it is as long as I'm out of it I should focus on me and me only, but I can't help wondering and it is so shocking to me to see.
Its a progressive disease and as long as they keep drinking it gets worse.
I wonder why the sneak drinking gets to you. Whats the difference? . I have never heard of an alcoholic that announced he was going to drink.
You said it in your last sentence. "I should focus on me". It wasnt until I understood the full meaning of the first step did I really start to recover. That step is he hardest to accept. I hope you start there. Not only powerless over the alcoholic but over most things. Thats where the serenity prayer comes into play.
Bettina, I guess the sneak drinking was a sign or my fear it was going to get worse and the verbal abuse and DUI's would start again. We were in another state with no friends or family. This happened a few years back and he ended up going to jail for a DUI and I was stranded there with no job and my teenage niece. We made an agreement that I would not stay in a state alone with him if he was going to drink. He had been sober a few years, begged me to trust and go again and that if he thought he was tempted he would get help. But I could see the changes and he didn't want help and started verbally abusing me in public and I freaked and got out while I could financially afford to do. I just knew that I was not capable of going thru that again.
JJ, My S/O says the same thing. How can I be there for you, when I can't even be there for me. You have no idea what is it is like to be me. I am in dark hell every single day. Every moment.
When I read these posts, I see a pattern. Suddenly that feels freeing. I realize that this is not my fault. I need to stop worrying about him, worrying what next step he takes, or what he does or what he doesn't do.
You see I am pretty good at that. For the most part it doesn't bother me. Just I get moments where it does finally hit. Takes me a while to get back up. I was talking to someone about the things I am going through. He said it's not because you don't love him, it's just because he simply isn't who you fit with. I started reading a book a while ago. I never finished it because it hit me too close. You know that old feeling? When something hits too close to home? You don't really want to face it. It's sicking to actually see what your life is really like. For the first time I broke down and told one of my best friends. She said Wow, you really put a hard front! I would have never guessed! Everything looks so perfect. :(
I want everything to be alright. Not perfect but just normal. I have to accept that as long as he keeps this pattern I can't control it. I can't do anything. I am powerless. Why do I fall so hard when he actually gives me the time of day? When he finally cuddles? Why do I forgive? Have you experienced this?
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"It's impossible said pride. Its risky said experience. Its pointless said reason. Give it a try whispered the heart - Anonymous (via Tad)
An alcoholic lives in so much daily emotional pain and crippling fear that they do not know anything else but to be selfish in order to escape those feelings and that terrible brokeness. That's how it was for me I guess. It used to be that I experienced the world as a very threatening and negative place without opportunities. I probably was not too different than your ex in many ways. I created chaos, lived in that chaos, brought others into the chaos...It was a big ball of self-centered disease. It took a mega dose of AA (a couple years of daily meetings, sponsor, steps) to even really begin to seriously change. I'm so grateful to not live like that anymore. While I hate hearing how you guys are often tormented by your qualifiers, it makes me want to stay sober more and it does help me cuz I never want to go back to that and I never want to treat anyone else like that again.
My ex-A did a number on me too, but it's almost like I call it even cuz we were both so terrible.
Alcohol like other drugs is a mind, mood and physically altering chemical and so when it is used, even if it is not being used addictively it is altering and "normal" becomes "abnormal". The person becomes different, the posture becomes different, the attitudes become different, the thinking becomes different and interactions have to become different too. Alcoholic selfishness is normal to the alcoholic...the alcoholic has to attend to the actions and reactions of the chemical. Alcohol abuse becomes alcohol addiction becomes alcoholism..."first the man takes a drink, then the drink takes a drink, then the drink takes the man" (Old, very true Chinese philosophy). That is how it progresses and I loose the person that was first there. She becomes someone different more polarized to the chemicals than to anything or anyone else in her/their life. Pride and Ego are huge characteristics of alcoholics and addicts we have to look good while our lives are going to hell in a handbasket and people are turning away from us. We need to focus the stage light on ourselves the "Hey looka me" act which went on and on and on until I got so sick and tired of being sick and tired of trying to be someone I wasn't and woundn't ever want to be.
I am a double; a member of both Al-Anon and AA. I was born and raised in the effects of the disease of alcoholism and continued to live within it until there was nothing left. I needed to be someone grand and special that I even created another personality to be able to exist and feel important and worthy. There are times when I am asked to identify myself at a meeting that I report, "Hi I'm Jerry F and I am a grateful member of the world-wide fellowship of the Al-Anon Family Groups who wishes to never drink again". My selfishness today is focusing on my own recovery and survival. If I don't have me I don't have anything. If I don't have my peace of mind, serenity and sobriety, I have nothing to give away.
