The material presented
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I read ILD's post and Bettina's, Jackie's response just really resonated with me for a lot of reasons. That whole idea of waiting around for someone else to change issue. Maybe they will, maybe they won't the reality is what can be salvaged with the person when they become sober. Seriously speaking .. do you pick up the pieces they get put back together a few are missing and then you are stuck with an intimate sober stranger that I don't know .. maybe they have so much work to do it's a lifetime of waiting. I'm not saying stay or go, .. I'm just saying for me my reality was I had to go. My A is a hot mess and keeps getting into a hotter mess. Honestly .. I really don't want him back .. there isn't water under the bridge a sunami came through and wiped the bridge out.
Things have come to light recently and some very not pleasant things. I have had a few bombs dropped on me and I'm struggling. Where I am really struggling in my own program is that I have very close people acting as if I should just get over it and move on. Well it's been MANY years of deceptions just now coming to light. I think to because I have such a physode of being so distant from the pain. I grew up not being able to show emotion because anything outside of a non emotion was wrong. As I'm feeling more I'm starting to notice the people closet to me really kind of freaking out. I know I should be focused on me. I can't change him, honestly I don't want him back .. good grief .. I would have no self esteem if I wanted him back only because literally I've been rejected by a reject how much more would I put myself through.
My reality is this .. it hasn't been that long and what happened at the end of our relationship hurt like hell. It still twinges. As new information comes up and he wants to just dismiss as if well that's in the past .. yah right .. LOL .. I'll let you know how that's working for me because it's not. I'm still processing and I am grateful that I can feel anything outside of rage at the moment. That was always my go to emotion I could always feel anger. I couldn't feel much else .. at least I had my old stand by. Now I am feeling MANY things and it's very confusing at times. I still go to anger as it's my blanket of comfort the one emotion I can name without having to think about it. Now I am branching out. It's getting easier and that is with the program of alanon that I can feel anything else except anger.
This summer has been a rough one. There were 7 weeks of having someone who was suppose to care about his kids and me literally try to starve us out. If not for my mom the kids and I would probably be homeless OR God (the HP of my understanding) would have figured out another way. Oh he gave us 1/2 of what he had been providing and then that dropped to 1/4 the next 6 weeks. The lying was unreal .. he is so buried at this point in the whole disclosure process he doesn't know which end is up. We did make it. I hadn't confronted my A about this minor fact until a question of a bill that he's now going to have to deal with came into play. I let him know I was desperate to keep power on at the house and I did what I had to do to make it happen. In 2 months the man made more than enough money to pay off all of his DUI fines, classes and so on and instead chose to rent furniture and stock his new bachloer pad .. those were his choices during that time. His fines are pretty much what they were when he started and he's in a big hole at the counseling sessions. You know what .. it's soooo good to put that in a statement .. J, hasn't paid his fines or his rehab bill. MY NAME ISN"T IN IT .. NOT MY BUSINESS!!! When I used the term J, I know you never asked me how I paid the rent, power, food, all of the household bills. I spent 7 weeks wondering at nights how I would feed our children the following day. You chose to starve us out during that time with no regard for anything the kids and I went through. I was met with stunned silence. I know in his mind it never dawned on him that's what he was doing or he was punishing me and never thought that it would filter to the kids. Better yet that was my perception of what was going on. His response was .. well if you had money for an atty I figured you had money. Noooo I didn't. I had just enough to get by and that was what we needed and I am grateful for that part.
It hit me like a brick wall how little respect he has for me and how little respect I actually had for myself during our marriage. Thank you to my mom and to God for that time in CA. I so needed that and it was restful for the most part. I still was dealing with some not so fun stuff with him. AT LEAST .. I saw smiles on my children's faces I will cherish for a lifetime. I hope to create over and over again. Coming back it has been a whirlwind of things going on .. I got to come home to a cat that passed away as well as the fleas, as well as trying to get the kids into their school and being met with just hostility at every turn on that one. The school supplies have come. I have had angels in many forms come in to my life, some of them have been waiting on the side lines for just such moment. I still have a few more things to get through it's all going to happen slowly. I am grateful .. SOOO grateful for it all. Right now .. I'm feeling all of what I had to cope with this summer many weeks later .. I am now having a delayed reaction to it all. The reality of what happened is mind blowing.
Going back to the dignity and respect issue, .. I was actually told that he didn't feel it necessary to be honest with me as he has counselors to do that with .. I don't know how I kept myself together and literally didn't go through the phone. I did manage. I think I did pretty good program .. he's still breathing and the truck isn't on fire. Progress not perfection I now have another dark fantasy to add to the list which is posting a board to the back of his truck that says "My name is .. and I cheat, btw I'm still married! Honk if you agree." LOL .. I know not nice however WOW .. with all of the emotions going on right now it's a lot to take in. Anyway, dignity and respect stuff, where he did himself in was where he called me a "great friend". I think there are actaully 9 shades of varying red in the color scheme according to Pushka now. Again calmly and within the program I let him know he is not my friend. Friends have open and honest relationships .. there is nothing open and honest about our relationship. He drivalled on about the past is the past .. umm .. noooo .. this is all stuff I need to deal with now and process and it feels like yesterday to me. Just because he wants to dump this out and then tell me to get past it doesn't mean he now gets to run away and not hear how I feel about this new information. So no .. he is not my friend, I have a higher standard of people in my life who are my friends. I am grateful for that fact to. He's going to have to work up to being an aquaintance at this point .. forget the friend thing for a LONG time. .. UGH .. he's extremely lucky he's the father of my children because I would have really acted out had I not had that leash on. It's important to me that my children not be the product of his insanity.
Anyway, diginity and respect is huge .. bigger than huge and in my very humble opinion it's one of the major corner stones of any relationship. Now I have to figure out how do I get past what I'm feeling .. not be told I'm not feeling what I'm feeling. I've got some of that going on at the moment too.
I'm very sad today and it will pass. The bigger insult was him trying to give me his new queen bed that he slept with his new old friend on. I was just in shock when that happened .. he really doesn't see he owes me any kind of apology. The best one he gives is I'm sorry for everything .. ummm .. sorry that doesn't fly for me .. I've been informed he's going back to church the weekend he has the kids and that spirituality is #1 .. LOL .. well .. then what you gave me is not an ammends it's gee I said I was sorry what is your problem you need to get over it apology. That's my opinion and I'm entitled to it .. lol .. at this point I will deal with me and allow him to deal with him those kinds of ovetures are nothing more than smoke and mirrors to make the big bad lawyer go away. That is so not happening anytime soon.
thanks for letting me share, hugs P :)
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
I can relate to some of the things you shared. I found when I was going through the turmoil (like to call it the detoxing phase) I strived to respect my feelings and not suppress them as I had in the past. I also found it best not to share them with "most" people. Majority of people don't know how to just sit with another person and listen to them; they feel very inadequate because they want to "fix" the problem for you.
Just to let you know, that I spent 36 years in an alcoholic marriage. As each year past, the chaos grew larger. I thought I was beyond repair. I thought my alcoholic was WAY beyond repair. But this was so untrue.
My alcoholic taught me that as long as a person is breathing, there is hope. I don't suggest waiting around until the alcoholic sees the light. By no means, I don't mean that. If you can find a tiny space in your heart for hope, it may bring some comfort. It might not be the right time for you, however. You might still need to purge all the gunky feelings first. That's okay - so natural.
It gets better as you well know. Big hug! Gail
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You have to go through the darkness to truly know the light. Lama Surya Das
Resentment is like taking poison & waiting for the other person to die. Malachy McCourt
{{{{{Pushka}}}}} I can just feel the raw emotions you shared all the way over here. You are doing such a great job of working your program. Can you even imagine how you would be today without it and without trusting in your HP? Moving all of the negativity out and letting in the hope and your HP in will keep you on the right path. You know you did the right thing, no matter what your STBX and his disease are trying to spew on you. You're a great mom who is looking out for their best interests, despite the many challenges that are being thrown at you. In the end, you and your kids are going come out of all of this and will be able to look back at how far you all have come- you might even be able to do that now. Miracles ARE in progress...
Wow, I feel the same things. Ex has rehab and DUI fees he has not paid all year and not that he rented a studio for himself he calls to scream how he can't make his bills and never asks about the fact I got laid off, have less than him, someone hit my car - it's all about him. When we lived together he pulled more of a binge drinking and would go out of his way to make amends for that so I never witnessed this selfishness that he has now that he has been drinking non-stop for the last year. I'm blown over by it and think what the hell is he on!! I can't really talk to anyone either because my friend suggests that I'm crazy and should not care and the Al-anon is for the weak and just to take my power back and Alcohol is not the problem at all - he is . It gets confusing. I explained that I think I was in denial at first and then tried to get back together and now I am having a delayed response to all this too. I guess when we can show by actions that we respect ourselves and expect them to do the same they will either wake up or move on to some other codependent who will enable them. I feel that, that is what most of them do. It's easier to start over than fix their mess. Hope your find your peace. Everyone grieves and processes at their own speed and we can't expect everyone to get that I guess.
Path to Serenity, that's what i thought and I can't explain that to her she thinks all AA based programs are a cult. I realize that I guess you just can't share with some people.
We have to pick our battles and trying to convince outsiders of the value derived from AA/Alanon is a battle not worth fighting. If we find comfort, strength & support in these programs, then that's all that matters.
I had a close friend suggest me to go to Al Anon and not only that but to involve my girls in the process. Would I ever share with anyone? Probably not. Only with my close friend who suggested I join.
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"It's impossible said pride. Its risky said experience. Its pointless said reason. Give it a try whispered the heart - Anonymous (via Tad)
I have no idea what happened however I had posted a long post and it's totally gone!!
JJ21, I wanted to specifically reply on a past post that you mentioned about the AA program. I am so sorry that you have had the experience that you did with some of the men in AA. There is something to be said about small towns in that regard no one wants that reputation. Something I did do instinctively was move towards strong women in the AA program. They watch out for me and others within the program and are very clear with me as to who to watch out for and who tends to be inappropriate. I would say it's a very small percentage of women/men that fall into that category. At least that is my naive experience. I know for me without the support I have received through AA as well as Alanon I would be a huge hot mess. I can handle being a hot mess just not a HOT mess. This experience will pass as it all does it is just feeling the emotional side and not needing to be in the mental side of it all. Feelings lie and they pass, like a dang kidney stone at times, however they do pass.
GM, thank you so much I forget how much detoxing I have left to do in regards to all this crap and it just really pisses me off when the A in my life acts as if I have no right to have any kind of reaction to the garbage he lays down. I still need time to process it. That is also part of my disease trying to make him into something he is not. He is not well and for me to expect him to react as if he is well is completely irrational. Your story always gives me hope .. not the kind of hope that my A and I will get back together. So much happened this weekend to make me realize how much I settled and as little as he felt for me .. I really didn't feel for him either. It's literally about being rejected by a reject. That is what I am stuck on.
GE, thank you for your support .. I swear God works in such amazing ways. And again .. yes .. without alanon good grief where would I be .. I would be a hot hot hot mess .. LOL .. yikes .. I would be that name in the ticker of CNN and Anderson Cooper. Geeze!! The idea that I have gone through and survived and come out stronger and more able to acknowledge I'm actually human .. who knew?!
My friend is someone who is in the program and we are probably more enmeshed than is healthy. I have made a decision not to share with her anymore and be looking for program responses because I just think it's way to close for her. She over identifies with what I'm going through and tends to forget there are many differences even though there are many similarities. She forgets that this has only been 7 months that he's been out of the house and 6 months since I've cut all contact as far as seeking a reconciliation. I think to I have been in denial over how bad he has really been .. I mean I knew he was bad .. each step down though means it's even bigger than I realize. The lying alone is mind blowing, the stealing that has happened there are things I"m finding out now I had NO idea. Some things happened very recently even there is no way I would allow him in my house alone.
There have been some major developments. He's been texting me off and on since last week it started Monday with him telling me he was headed for a nervous breakdown of some kind. Saturday he hit me with he wants to take the kids to church. Today I heard he's on the major verge of a breakdown. I offered to take him to an AA meeting he said no. It's at the same place as my alanon meeting. I did let him know if he needed it that I had some numbers to some really good men who would be happy to talk to him, day or night. He is in a really rough spot. Moving back in with mom no longer able to act out as he wants to, .. he's completely desperate and I am really going to have to detach from the situation. I have done everything I can at this point and I have to let it be and give it completely to God. I don't need to be his higher power .. this is on him. J, is having a nervous breakdown. Well I hate to say it like this .. my name isn't in it. He knows where he can go and he doesn't want to that's not on me. I'm sure he is having a serious jolt in consciousness based upon having to deal with the consequences of his actions. It IS overwhelming from where he is standing. It will be up to him as to how he processes it. You know he doesn't have a problem .. his problems all involve me .. his great friend .. oi. Again .. I don't have to focus on that.
Thankfully, I have step work of my own to do. Interestingly enough we are working on Step 8 in our group meeting. I'm still working on 4. In making those lists about yes, may, no and I have a 4th one hell to the no on that one. My A qualifies on that last list at the moment. Honestly I'm ok with it. I figure I can work on being willing after everything that has happened this summer it's going to take some time to process and I don't have to be there yet. I felt better hearing after 20 years my sponsor was just able to move her ex to her maybe list .. lol .. it feels good to have permission I don't have to pressure myself to be ready and willing today. I can still let go of my resentments today, I can still work on being willing. Yes, it would be nice for it to be all today .. it's not where I am at. I have my day planned already tomorrow and that will help me stay out of my head and get refocused on a few things.
I cried though FINALLY at the meeting tonight and felt a large sense of relief! I had a good jolt about making sure I was doing my 1,2,3 steps in the AM .. and I haven't been I've been way out of sorts recently. There really has been a lot going on and I have been very unfocused.
Thanks to all for your support, I really have had a rough 48/72 hours .. it's ok though because it means better, stronger, and more able to heal.
Hugs P :)
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
SSorry sister friend, but I know you can and will get through this ánd come out the otherwise better fir it. Stick to your program. Sending you love and support!
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Sending you love and support on your journey always! BreakingFree
Al-Anon/Alateen Family Group Headquarters, Inc. 800-344-2666
" Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional."
"Serenity is when your body and mind are in the same place."
You didn't get to this place over night. You can't just "deal" with these revelations and move past them. That's not realistic. They're not "in the past" for you. You are just finding out information, which means that you have to take the time, and all the time, you need for you to be able to process.
I find it interesting the attempts to play on your sympathies. The whole I'm going to have a nervous breakdown, and then when you offered sound and extremely helpful information, your offer was declined. You can lead a horse to water, but you can't make him drink.
I'm so glad y'all were able to go to CA!!! I'm so glad that you share!!! I'm sending lots of hugs and support!!!!
Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
Progress not perfection I now have another dark fantasy to add to the list which is posting a board to the back of his truck that says "My name is .. and I cheat, btw I'm still married! Honk if you agree." LOL .. I know not nice however WOW .. with all of the emotions going on right now it's a lot to take in. Anyway, dignity and respect stuff, where he did himself in was where he called me a "great friend". I think there are actaully 9 shades of varying red in the color scheme according to Pushka now. Again calmly and within the program I let him know he is not my friend. Friends have open and honest relationships .. there is nothing open and honest about our relationship. He drivalled on about the past is the past .. umm .. noooo .. this is all stuff I need to deal with now and process and it feels like yesterday to me. Just because he wants to dump this out and then tell me to get past it doesn't mean he now gets to run away and not hear how I feel about this new information. So no .. he is not my friend, I have a higher standard of people in my life who are my friends. I am grateful for that fact to. He's going to have to work up to being an aquaintance at this point .. forget the friend thing for a LONG time. .. UGH .. he's extremely lucky he's the father of my children because I would have really acted out had I not had that leash on. It's important to me that my children not be the product of his insanity.