My AH is currently in the midst of his second hospitalization for detox in the past six weeks.  The first time he went in was mid-July.  He was discharged on the 18th and back to drinking by the 20th.  I kicked him out of the house and haven't seen him (aside from a few hours on August 5th) since.  He is currently at a local mental health facility for detox again after his blood pressure spiked to near stroke levels and he told the EMTs he was feeling suicidal.  He is actually doing well in this second go-round of detox, has been attending in-house AA meetings twice a week and is in group therapy the rest of the time.  He opened up to his group about an incident of sexual molestation that he has never shared with anyone- I didn't even know about it until right before he was admitted to the first detox and we have been together for 15 years. Now that he has finally decided to open up to the therapy, he is finding that he doesn't want to leave it and is wanting to attend rehab and live in a sober living facility upon his release from detox.  This is very promising because in 13 years of marriage, I was never able to get him to commit to therapy for more than a few sessions and he refused to attend rehab upon his release from detox back in July ( he was in a private hospital that was detox only, no therapy involved, now he is in a mental health hospital that combines the two). He actually seems to be doing a lot better than I am at this point.

In the meantime I had taken out a temporary protective order against him, because before he entered the hospital this most recent time he kept threatening that he would return to our home because he had nowhere else to go.  I also was concerned because even though I had filed for divorce, he was still the legal guardian of our children and had the option to pick them up if I were to leave them with a babysitter, family members, etc.  He had driven drunk with them many times over the past year- unbeknownst to me at the time, he was drinking heavily on the job and then picking them up from school several times a week when I would stay to work late.  So I took out the TPO to make sure he couldn't come home or take my children out of someone else's care. But we have still been talking by phone now that he is sober.  I miss him so much.  When he is sober he is still the man I fell in love with.  I am afraid because even if he achieves long-term sobriety, my family will never forgive me if we resume our relationship.

At the same time I am lonely. Do not want to enter a serious relationship at this time, but would not mind having friendships with someone who understand and/or has been through similar issues.  I don't know how to go about doing this or if it is even advisable.  I am just tired.  I am working full time and having to take care of our three kids by myself.  No child support, no help.  I am the bad guy - whenever my kids are angry or upset, I get the full brunt of it.  I just feel like I can't do it sometimes.  We have to get up on weekdays at 5:15 and leave the house by 6:15 so we can be at school/work on time.  Then after school/work we have numerous doctor/therapy/lawyer appointments and most days we don't get home until around 7:00 pm. 

I feel like I will be alone forever.  I love my husband and miss him, but I don't know that our marriage can be repaired and I can ever learn to trust him again.  At the same time, I don't see any other man ever being interested in someone like me, with all this emotional baggage, debts, and three young children in tow.  Things seem very hopeless for my future.