The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
A son is binging again. Went out to lock up my pickup last nite that he's been using for work - he came home drunk & forgot. There in the floor of the truck was a freshly emptied vodka bottle - WOW, now he's progressed to driving drunk in MY vehicle!! That's a big no-no so I took his keys away & told him that he has lost the use of my vehicles...period. This kinda freaked out hubby...he said "but if he can't get to his jobs, he can't make money and repay us what he owes".........yeah well, he's not paying us back anyway so better to cut our losses now than to keep enabling him and run the risk of him causing an accident maybe hurting someone else, getting us involved in a lawsuit as owners of the vehicle and possibly losing what little bit we have left in the retirement fund. Hubby accepted that but he looked so sad.
My brain just keeps spinning - saying to myself over and over "lets make a deal..he can use the truck for work but only if he agrees to go to AA or I'll get a breath-alizer thingy & test you every day" but self just responds ''honey, you're wanting to make a deal with the devil here". Stupid is as stupid does.
Tomorrow is our 44 aniversary and due to hubby's three trips to the hospital this summer, we have thousands of $ in medical bills hanging over our heads & we can't afford to go out to celebrate. Hubby is in the medicare donut hole and we're looking at several hundred $ a month on RX until the end of the year.
I'm a work at home bookkeeper so I did a couple hrs of work then ran some errands but now I just want to go back to bed and it isn't even noon yet. I've been spending far too much time in my room lately - when I smell alcohol on son, my stomach turns to knots because that's the smell of my Dad all those years ago and I retreat to my room & watch TV or read - but I shouldn't have to isolate in my own darn house!!!!!! I know I DON'T HAVE TO ISOLATE. I do have other choices but it's the easy way to separate from what's going on in the rest of the house.
So I just popped a carrot cake in the oven & I'm going to clean out my closet -- yeah, yeah, it's still in the bedroom but at least it will be productive and it's long over due anyway.
Ok, the cake is ready to come out of the oven and I'm thru whinning --
That's rough, sorry :( I totally agree with taking the keys and hey, he can take a bus if he needs his job that badly.
This quote: ''honey, you're wanting to make a deal with the devil here" - made me laugh because I'm always saying I'm "negotiating with terrorists" when I have to deal with my exH. LOL.
I see a lot of courage, my friend. None of this is easy. But you are doing what you have to do to take care of YOU. Just for today. Courage is not the absence of fear, it's doing the next right thing in spite of the fear. You're doing that.
Enjoy your special day, it can be celebrated in any which way, is what I'm reading. I do remember all the times I had to be creative too, especially one Christmas Eve when I took a train to visit my daughter, the train was late, the plans were ruined. So we changed and rearranged. and ate pizza together on Christmas Eve, hahaha
((big hugs))
__________________
The prayer isn't for Higher Power to change our lives, but rather to change us.
The only problem with the vehicle is that he is an independent roofer/remodeler...without the truck, he can't get to jobs nor carry the tools & supplies he needs so to put it bluntly, he's between a rock & a hard place......oh well, to bad, so sad - not my problem.
Changed my mind on cleaning the closet, decided to give the dogs a bath instead. They love their baths and I love the unconditional love I get in return. :-}
I think it is so impressive that you can find a way to keep detaching no matter what. In theory there are other options for your son. I had a boyfriend once who was in construction, he made provision to get rides from other people and pay them. He did that till he got enough saved to get a truck of his own. I presume your son once had a truck of his own too of course and wonder what happened to that?
I have been down the hole of having to write off a truck because the now ex A destroyed it. I think that was my worst nightmare and also the inevitable. I would agree that there is no negotiation over something like that.
I agree with you taking the keys away. Honeslty if one of my girls came home like that I would not be able to live with myself having them killed someone. Being a victim of a drunk driver is horrible thing but to be on the other side (person who killed) knowing we had that opportunity to take it away. If life would rewind... maybe he needs to think about moving out. If he wants so badly to support his habit, let him see how hard it is keeping a job with a suspended license and thousands worth the fines. Seems your husband is sheltering him too much. He needs to be out. Completely out. If he doesn't want to change then you cannot force him to. If he is of age to drive & drink ..he can most certainly get an apartment and pay for his life (he so careless wants to throw away).
I feel for you hun. I feel the same way. I am going through someone similar and yes I detach in a different way. Through my work, through my girls...but that isn't healthy either.
Hugs, hugs and more hugs.
__________________
"It's impossible said pride. Its risky said experience. Its pointless said reason. Give it a try whispered the heart - Anonymous (via Tad)
The 'moving out' is next on the list - working up to that one. It has been discussed openly with son so he is fully aware of where I stand. Hubby has never been a drinker - no one in his family ever drank so it's hard for him to understand the depths of this disease and he does have some brain damage caused by a couple of strokes--his thinking/reasoning process is a bit lacking. I may have to try to get him to go to some meetings with me - thankfully he does follow my lead tho.
Path...I comment you for the courage you have taken. It is not an easy path. Granted seeing your son do this to his life. I know we as mothers when we endure the long hours of labour, the nines months of carrying, the final birth and cloud nine cuddle moment ~ fast forward to 18 years later ...we would never imagine being at this place where we are now. Us as Moms would rather die then to see their children suffer. Sadly they have to suffer and heal on their own. Just like every other individual in the world. Can't fight this battle for him as much as you want to. Allowing him to contiune and slide only enables him to keep making those disasterous choices that he is making.
Hugs to you Path.
IP
__________________
"It's impossible said pride. Its risky said experience. Its pointless said reason. Give it a try whispered the heart - Anonymous (via Tad)
Wow...I saw retreating to the bedroom to watch TV or read. This has become me. It is my sanctuary away from my alcoholic husband. I have stopped cleaning the house, I have stopped trying to repair holes in doors, bathroom and other areas that both he and my daughter caused during drunken rages (my daughter and my husband have anger issues towards one another). The bedroom is the place where I go to gather strength after episodes of finding bottles hidden in the house when he says he is sober and to get between daughter and husband when they are fighting. Last straw was when my daughter found bottles hidden inside his part of the closet. I have a restraining order that states he is not allowed to consume, buy or have alcohol in the home. We (daughter and I) had him arrested for the third time and this time, I did not go to court or bail him out (despite his pleas to bail him out during his one phone call from jail). He had violated my "space" by trying to hide bottle in plain sight in my bedroom. Whining that he had no way to get home, I told him to find a bus (which he did). Although judge let him out (yet again), he did spend the night in the worse jail on Long Island along with hardened criminals. This (I hope) scared him to death (and he was terrified). He is now in court ordered rehab for 28 days. It took two years (and one totaled car plus failed out-patient rehab), to get to this point. I am not saying that this is the way for others dealing with alcoholic relatives, but the serenity prayer says to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference. My efforts were to try to save my marriage and to try to save someone's life. Although my husband does not realize this, I am hoping that two sessions with AA at the hospital over 28 days will convince him not to blame me, my daughter and friends and neighbors that were involved in trying to make him see the damage he has done to both home and family.
