I had went to a "real life" Al-Anon meeting, and it just wasn't for me. I can't get through a whole meeting without being at the point of tears and people that know me know I am too proud to cry, or at least I try to be numb so I don't cry; it's the only way I really know how to cope. So the internet feels safer (I really do feel anonymous). Well this is me or my rant about my life........... My parents probably shouldn't be married, yet they stay married (only God knows why literally). My Dad's parents hated Mother almost to the point in which they convinced my Dad after three months of marriage to go home and ask her for a divorce. They both come from families where addiction runs rampant; Thus my Father became an Alcoholic and my Mother is a co-dependent......a wonderful combo to grow up with. I am in my late 20's and am the oldest and still do not know how to function or get over it.....I feel I should be able to....idk just looking for insight. I am the oldest. My mother had three children the middle child had ended up passing away at a very young age from a birth defect. Which you know I feel bad and it sucks but it is a very long time 20+ years and she is still deeply affected about it and wont seek any type of help (Psychological/Spiritual etc.) After the passing of the middle child my Dads drinking seemed to get worse.......and I became my "Mothers best friend/worst enemy". My Mom had a younger child in which she put all the energy into, I guess she had to make up for the child she didn't have anymore, but she neglected me. I mean there is no other way to put it, I know I sound bitter but years of coming to terms with this has finally made me see/understand somehow. The youngest got/gets everything (from both)........private school/paid college/car/outfits/accessories (a more loving relationship from especially my Father).......None of these things were given to me, the youngest isn't to blame with this though even though I do feel that it is their responsibility to not be a shitty adult and take advantage of these privileges, but hey you learn what you are taught. My Mother on the other hand gave me something much more, that I absolutely hate......My inability to distinguish who is a good person because all the people in my early life were terrible and my need to fix these people or hope they will change, but I digress. My Mother confided in me the deepest darkest secrets about her marriage, even my Father's infidelities. Being such a young age I did not need to know any of this nor do I feel I need to know them at almost 30. There is a place and a time and none of these things do I feel I should know about my parents but I do and this was my Mother being my "best friend". I paid dearly for that also always wondering if their relationship was ok and wondering if we (my sibling and I) were the cause not really understanding why. She has tried to do this to me now and I have told her she has three options, shut up and deal, divorce him, or kill him (humor is another one of my defense mechanisms) Now on to my Mothers worst enemy; Anything that I had done was held over my head.........She had held an attention lie over my head from whenever I was 7 yrs (IN second grade!!!) up until my late teens/early twenties. She always told her friends or our other family members what I had done wrong and shamed me on more than one occasion in public. She had taken me to so many Psychologists that had misdiagnosed me and made me feel like I wrong/bad (I eventually had a psych evaluation done that concluded I was completely normal just suffer from co-dependency as an adult); it's like she had a form of Munchausen. So eventually I started to do bad things..........I was an addict (key emphasis "was" (I have been clean for almost a decade); This is a very important part of my story for the later half) skipped school and was terrible but never went to jail, eventually pulled myself together to make it through a trade school and was addicted once again shortly there after. I decided after one night of heavy partying I couldn't do it anymore......I couldn't be a piece of xxxxt, mainly because our "friends" who were partying had two toddlers and spent all their money on a drug rather than buying groceries for their household/quit on my own cold turkey and haven't looked back since. (it was amazing to write that and it feels so different from my life now) But I did all of this because I felt unloved and wanted attention. This is the most difficult part of my story, My Father..... My Father although I want to say I love him, he is a piece of xxxxt. My Father not only physically abused my Mother. But also did not stand up for or want to be involved with his family. My Mother and his mother had a falling out, a lot of nasty things were said to my Mother and a lot of nasty things have been said about my Mother in front of their children by my Father's family (this I believe will be the 18th year they have not spoken to each other). My Dad has never once stood up for us.....only had taken their side and to this day. I have repressed a lot of my memories about my Dad and the abuse. My one cousin who remembers a lot has been trying to fill me in gently and it makes me sick to my stomach the amount of physical/mental abuse I suffer. I can not sit at a table and have someone walk behind me or I flinch because he would be so drunk and think it was funny to hit me hard on the top of my head from behind. My first (11yrs) and second (15 yrs) suicide attempts were because of him, he likes to get into these massive fights where he takes out his anger on me, when he is upset about something..........I fight back to where eventually he says something to majorly hurt my feelings and his fall back phrase is "I am xxxxxxing done with you, You are DEAD to me." (said just like I typed it) I have tried to kill myself twice because of this.............I xxxxxxing hate him. So I have been emotionally starved majority of my life; Here is my a short time ago. I had a little girl about 5 yrs ago...... My parents kicked me out of the house while my x and I were pregnant. The X is an xxxs also (doesn't accept responsibility for our little girl) and is also an addict and needs a good dose of acceptance in their life. Our daughter has some educational difficulties which they feel she will just grow out of with no help at all........xxxx.......But while with this person, my daughter and I lives sucked. We were very poor which is alright if you have love, but we lacked even that as a whole family together, although I always loved her. But I was working two jobs 85 hrs a week, only to come home to find my baby still in her bouncy seat in front of a tv. She hadn't been picked up and my X sleeping...........always sleeping. I had to do what I had to support my family, I had no choice. Then my luck got worse in this relationship where my X decided that it would be a good idea to become mentally, verbally, and physically abusive towards me. I call my Mother to ask her if I could come home with my daughter and was told "it's not like you get beat every day" (I don't think I will ever forget that response and how bad it hurt, it was like a blow to my stomach). I am beyond destitute, getting abused and you wont let your child and grand daughter come home. (Even though I left my X this pattern continued over the next yr and a half of me being not able to support myself and asking to return home and getting the same response) I couldn't even imagine doing any of this to my little girl. My grand mother allowed us to move into her residence and I decided enough was enough and kicked my X out after they came home drunk and started abusing me. Even though I haven't been with my X in over three years I need to learn that they will not change, sometimes I desperately want them to not for me now but for the benefit of my little one. My current life is different, I moved away to a different state with my little one to be with a childhood crush. I know it is a little crazy and very improbable but we clicked after reconnecting online. They have given me and our daughter, more emotional and love than we have ever known or at least I have ever know. I have been afforded the opportunity to stay at home and take care of her; I get to give her what she will need which is one of the most awesome opportunities and luxuries that some parents don't get, I am also lucky because I am very hands on with her educational needs and I can direct her and help her. We eventually all moved back to where we grew up to be around our families while we started our lives together as a family. I feel bad for my better half though, I sometimes dwell on things that have happened like the past or sometimes things that are happening within my "growing up" family that I emotionally and word vomit all over them..............it sucks that I do that to them, because they have came from a fairly normal family that has not as much dysfunction or the level of dysfunction I grew up in and they have told me that they don't quite understand. But my life is awesome and I struggle to be happy I don't know how to balance the two but again I am getting ahead of myself. Here is what I am currently dealing with and if you made it so far thanks for reading: We weren't quite living back at home Christmas this time last year but there were talks of moving back.(CHRISTMAS MORNING) We went to my parents to go open gifts and my significant other had to run home to get something from their parents house. During this time, my parents pet hurt my daughter to which I was pissed because earlier I had asked them to get their pet under control or to put them away. So my significant other comes into the door sees our little girl upset and crying goes to comfort her and asks what happens. My Father then blows up starts yelling at me that I treat them like "second class" among other things(I am astonished because if you read my story I am pretty fed up by now and I left out a lot of the smaller details; I yell back I am done with them treating me this way) and uses his famous line that I am DEAD to him and storms out the door. So My Mother then starts after my father leaves (yep no break for me) She then proceeds to tell me how she was there for me while I was messed up on drugs and a bunch of other things. (I did tell her like she was there when I was getting beat with my X calmly in her bedroom) but she had informed my significant other of my drug use which was almost 10 yrs ago (I was never jailed and never stole anything from anyone) but also this was said right in front of my kid. Now my significant other nor my daughter needed to know of these things...............There is a time and a place and it is my story to tell. I don't believe my daughter picked up on it but I was honest with my significant other about my past but I don't think they thought it was as bad. Other than that I was done. I couldn't put up with the abuse any longer, I am an adult, I have my own family that I need to take care of and can not be caught up with my "growing up" one and their dysfunction. Anyways How long should I live the sins of my past.........it is always something negative with my mother holding it over my head. So I wrote them a letter, basically telling them I went to a psychologist some parents are just not meant to have children and I am not the cause of their dysfunction, I love them but....GET YOUR lives together and then you can worry about having a relationship with any of your children/grandchildren sort of like an addict. Because why the hell am I constantly going to allow negative people to drag me down, and even though I should respect my parents do they deserve respect if they can not respect me??? I say this but I am falling apart inside, sad. They have chosen to not see their grand daughter and not speak to me. Other than my dad sending me a text on my daughters birthday wishing her a happy birthday and ending the text with "I hope that piece of xxxx tells you because they are a big one). The worst part is that they have turned some of their family/friends against me like always and I am the bad guy............its a role that I am used to just not one I want to play........I have had to inform a few family members of the true my parents are and they are not who they portray, they have really good PR people. Some were astonished to hear of my childhood actually spoken through me..........and what happened. But I think what pisses me off even more is that my youngest sibling has avoided me I think they are in fear because they are still financially supported by them.....and then makes statements on social media how people are dragging them in the middle.............(I have saw them once in the 5 months I have been home and maybe have texted twice) I would like to tell my parents to leave them alone and I would like them to grow a pair, gah, you are in your mid twenties. I just go through an internal conflict of sadness, hatred, anger, and then sometimes content which I feel guilty for...........because they are not involved in our lives, they don't get to see us happy and with someone that loves us so much and is good for us. Which we have speculated that this is because of jealousy, like I was supposed to stay with the person who treated us poorly, so that they could maintain some level of control or dignity and because I am not with a POS like that there is a dislike. That has been my experience with bad people, they want you to have just as much of a miserable life as they do or more. Thanks for reading........I just felt like i needed to get that out there.