The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
My recovering ABF and I have been together for a year and a half. He is a wonderful man and a challenging man. He is about six years sober and worked a very rigorous program including counseling others for the first few years. He does not attend meetings now.
We are now in the "dew but not the bloom is off the rose" part of our relationship---dealing more realistically with our differences and day to day life. We do not live together, both divorced with grown kids, both type A very focused and busy people. We both are independent and have a lot going on personally and professionally. We are in love and have talked about getting married. I work an Al-Anon program due to my ex-husband's alcoholism and my grown son's drug addiction. It's been one of the greatest blessings of my life.
I am trying to sort out my side of the street in some recent differences he and I have been dealing with. We have gotten crossways about traveling and sex. He has high blood pressure and has difficulties sometime in that arena so it has felt like he has been avoiding physical intimacy with me. I raised the topic and we talked but it was hard for both of us. I love to travel and am always planning a trip. I would love for him to travel with me but he made it clear that won't happen much at all.
This led to me initiating a couple of talks about the above. Very quickly I found myself hurt and on the defensive as he said I have a lot of expectations, need a plan always, etc. He was evidently angry about the travel issue but had not brought it up. I do agree I repeated myself (trying to get him to do what I wanted him to do) on the travel. I apologized.
Here's the struggle: What are expectations and what are "norms" for a couple building a life together? Maybe I'm just too romantic or something but I would like us to know each other's families and go to "couple" events like weddings together. I want to feel connected regardless of our busy schedules. Also I want to have a close physical relationship regardless of ability to perform or not. It nags at me that he does not attend meetings now---should it?
Thankfully we both work a program. We both get it. I want us to work and I am willing to bend a lot. I am trying to own my side of the street but I am feeling hurt and scared about our future.
I think expectations are difficult when a relationship is involved. I think this is where the "good match" part comes in. He's been clear with you that travel is not his thing and we have no power over others so bringing it up more than once becomes having an expectation for him that you can't control. Can you be married to him and travel without him? I think that is the question to ask now. Any other idea is a set up for arguments, stress and disappointment. It's not that what you want is bad. It's that he cannot meet it.
I try to think of it as this. If someone asked me to run a marathon, and then expected me to run the marathon and then asked a few more times after I stated I can't and won't - I'm going to get upset with them not taking me seriously when I'm being honest. It's a pressure I don't need because I'm comfortable with my view.
Blood pressure medication is a tough one. What I do know if this, is that viagra acts as a blood pressure medication. Some doctors will allow a man to take it instead of their nightly blood pressure medication on occasion. It's a difficult topic to broach though, men are feircly protective of that issue. So go gentle LOL.
For me expectations are a firm belief that "This is how it should be and this is how it MUST be done" That my TRUTH is the only truth and the only way Anyone who disagrees is in error and they must change!!!
This attitude is how I lived a great many years before alanon It caused me the loss of many friendships, disagreements, hurt feelings and many resentments In alanon I learned everyone is entitled to their opinion, and my way is not the only way Just my opinion .
I do not know what expectations your friend is referring to but if it is that he will change and like to travel or have MORE sex than usual then this is something you need to look at. A healthy relationship does include intimacy, cuddling, holding hands etc This is not out of line. Negotiating how to accomplish this is a must. Talking it over is very important. If you find talking it over is hurtful maybe you can set guidelines for your discussions. Being honest is essential. Stay on topic, no name calling no taking the others inventory etc.
It also appears that you like to travel and he does not. Is there a compromise that can be reached? If not then traveling alone or with a friend is a solution Talking it over and reasoning it out could help both reach a satisfactory solution. Working a 4 through 9th Step on the subject would also be helpful.
One thing I have learned is to agree to disagree. I have a friend who will lay it on the line about what he thinks I should do and how and when.
I tell him I agree to disagree with him and there is nothing more to say after that. I can have an opinion and he can have an opinion neither is right or wrong there can be two opinions in a relationship. I have my life and the accountability for my life lies solely with me I don't turn over the reins for it to anyone anymore. In any kind of a relationship be it friend, couple, work associate there are boundaries. There are areas that are off limits, completely off limit and not negoitable. My friend has severe health issues, diabetes, a chronic lung disease and high blood pressure. Before recovery I would have been all over the place about his health and worried about him and indeed I have concerns but I keep those to myself now. Now I treat it as a off limits topic because I have learned that he is not that great about taking care of himself and has gone off medication many many times. I have had to learn where I begin and end and to "detach" from others in order to stop obsessing. I think that is pretty difficult in a couple relationship in recovery because we would all like to work someone's program for them.
One trick I have learned is when a relationship is getting to me that I would like to tell the other person what to do, how to live and how they should go by my expectations is I dial back. I detach, I take a step back and I re-evaluate the situation. What is the deal breaker for you in this relationship what are the things that you need to have to keep this man in your life? They may not be the travel, physical intimacy and more they may be the companionship, mutual recovery and other things. I have to re-evaluate those in my friendships all the time and sometimes in order to do that I take a step back to center myself. If you are in a program do you have a sponsor to talk to about this and if not why not get one?
It would bother me if someone says they are an alcoholic but attends no meetings. That would spell dry drunk and raging "isms" to me. But that is MY issue just like the fact that it bothers you is your issue. I guess you gotta question how much this guy is "Mr. Right" versus "Mr. Right Now" because it shouldn't be so hard. There shouldn't be so many misgivings. You need not look to both being so busy to explain lack of connectedness. Maybe you guys are not at the same commitment level and don't want the same things? I dunno. Just be wary of trying to make him into something he's not. I have done that more times than I care to count.
I would take a hard honest look at this relationship? High blood pressure doesn't always interfere with intimacy and passion. Complacency on his part? You say you really want this relationship to work and are willing to bend a lot. From personal experience... I did that until I could no longer stand upright. I began to feel off spiritually, emotionally and physically because I wasn't true to myself. I'm in a relationship with someone in AA. I attend Alanon. We work through issues using the traditions and principles of the program. It sure comes in handy. Every day isn't a gem but there's lots of communication, genuine love and willingness. In comparison to a lifetime, we're only with one another a short time. We're together a little over two years. I think a relationship will either grow or wilt according to how much 2 people are willing to invest of themselves. Sometimes I compromise when there's an activity that really means something to him and I come along with him. Hey if it doesn't take from my personal dignity there's no harm. If I didn't care about his happiness too, I wouldn't be in the relationship. He does the same where I'm concerned. It doesn't mean that this has to happen every time but the things that mean a great deal to each of us, we consider more seriously and take part in them with one another more often. We have our friends of course and separate interests but fortunately we agree that as life partners, we want to build lots of good memories with one another. Having both had our lives touched by alcoholism, the quality of our time is important to us now. AA and Alanon are selfish programs with respect to self care such as time with a higher power, meetings, time with a sponsor and service to others in program but ultimately recovery is about living a full, happy, joyous and free life outside the meeting rooms. I think it's important to have a similiar view of what that means for each of you if you plan to marry one another. If you're contemplating marriage to this man, a question I would ask myself honestly is if I feel "whole" in his company. Personally, I think your desire for your life partner to be your best friend and lover seems reasonable. Intimacy is very important. You may be independent and busy and emotionally available. Could he be independent and busy but could his avoidance of intimacy be due to emotional unavailability? Take your time, be sure of what you want. To thine own self be true. :) TT
-- Edited by tiredtonite on Sunday 26th of August 2012 09:39:51 PM
__________________
Surround yourself with people and elements that support your destiny, not just your history.
