Hello, I am new here and this is my first posting.  My husband is a binge drinker and because of the trouble he has caused in the past with family and jobs, etc. he cannot live with the guilt.

He can go  for months without a drink, but I might say one wrong thing about the past and he is off on a binge again.  I have lost my daughters and grandchildren because I have stayed with him when they wanted me to leave.  He has been drinking on and off for about 10 years.  He is 55.  It started when he was made redundant after being with a company for 20 years at the age of 45 and had trouble finding another job like the one he had.  When he is sober, he is the most genuine and loving man and this is why I can't leave him. 

He wanted a drink on Tuesday afternoon, after another stupid little argument, and I would not let him go out and buy it as I know that once he starts he can't stop.  He obviously went out and hasn't been back.  Believe it or not he sleeps rough when he does this.  This has happened quite a few times and sometimes I have involved the police who find him and bring him back. He always wants to come back, but always feels so guilty. So worried that one day he will go too far and be found dead. I haven't telephoned the police this time. Feel bad about wasting their time and also hate the twitching curtains from neighbours. So scared at the moment.  If, and when, please god, he does come back, I know I have got to stop "nagging" about drink.  I can't help being furious.  Not slept for 2 days and feel awful. I had a drink problem myself 20 years ago, tried to sort out depression problems with alcohol, and he stuck by me through all of this.  I hope someone can give me some advice.

The most important thing I would suggest is just to know the 3 C's. You did not cause his alcholism, can't change it, cannot cure it. I read in your post that you seem to think your arguments cause the binges...They don't. His alcholism belongs to him. It's a disease that affects the family but it's his disease. Alanon will help teach you a wide array of coping skills....too many to mention here. Some of the detaching strategies feel awkward because when someone you love is sick, you want to take care of them and make it better, though with an alcoholic that winds up being enabling sometimes and it drives you crazy and doesn't make them better.

Most alcoholics can't stop on their own. A supportive spouse is motivation but not curative. Also, as you stated even when your drinking was a problem - Alcohol is usually just a symptom of a bigger self-destructive process and breakdown that needs to be addressed either in AA, therapy, both....or some other recovery program. Nagging about the drinking wont help. He needs to seek solution and help willingly. Not sure where he's at with that process but supporting what he may be willing to do recovery wise (and focusing on yourself through alanon) will be more helpful than honing in on his drinking.

I have definitely been there. The ex A would disappear for days on a bender and I would be worried sick. I really encourage you to go to meetings here, go to the chat room when you are in the worried sick mode get support for yourself here.  Reach out, get help and then you can negotiate everything one day at a time.  In recovery an alcoholic goes through staying sober one day at a time.  In our recovery we do the same, sometimes it is one minute at a time, one hour at a time.  I hope you will find a way to rest, eat and take your mind off the A. If he is lying in a ditch somewhere it is not something you caused, can control and you definitely didn't cause it.  I don't think it is indifferent to be taking care of yourself when he has chosen to go off on a binge.  If you don't take care of yourself no one else will.

Maresie.