so tired of feeling sad - Al-Anon Family Group

silent · Veteran Member

so tired of feeling sad

silent · Veteran Member

daughter has said many things in times past thats realy hurting like, she didnt want to ever come back here cause she didnt want her kids to be raised where my ppl were such sick ppl,that she didnt want them to see it or be around it or know it,the thing is they never knew my ppl even before she had her own life just down the road from me,but wasnt good enough she wanted more to be able to tour the countries which is great,but now its gotten soo old they have been everywhere....hugs silent,,,,,this too shall past...hurting

hotrod · ~*Service Worker*~

Silent

This is indeed a painful situation. Life is very hard and we are powerless over people, places and things. Remembering this, and trusting HP to bring all things "right" ,I suggest that you use your program tools here a well. Acceptance is the key to serenity. Use the slogans one day at a time and you will begin to feel serenity and know the next right action to take.

pinkchip · ~*Service Worker*~

You have everything you need to be happy within your and right around you. Move forward. Don't dwell in misery. Don't look for things to feel bad about. You just took big steps forward in other areas of your life and your independence. Part of the program is learning how to get out of your own way. Please don't weaken yourself with self-doubt and negative thinking when you have just made strides forward. This will make you feel sad, cry and then possibly run to the ex looking for comfort. That is not a healthy cycle and you are trying to break it right?

Hotrod is right. It's a painful situation, but too much focus on things in the past and not just accepting things the way they are will really keep you locked in depression.

This reading is one of the more popular ones in the AA program. I would change "my alcholism" to others alcholism and staying sober to staying serene for the purpose of alanon. It still applies here. I hope it helps you:

And acceptance is the answer to all my problems today. When I am disturbed, it is because I find some person, place, thing or situation -- some fact of my life -- unacceptable to me, and I can find no serenity until I accept that person, place, thing or situation as being exactly the way it is supposed to be at this moment.
Nothing, absolutely nothing happens in God's world by mistake. Until I could accept my alcoholism, I could not stay sober; unless I accept life completely on life's terms, I cannot be happy. I need to concentrate not so much on what needs to be changed in the world as on what needs to be changed in me and in my attitudes.

Breakingfree · ~*Service Worker*~

When I first left my exAH I was lost and sad and had trouble sleeping, I had to get some healthy hobbies and get my mind focused on other things outside of my pity parties I threw naturally. I didn't know what to do with myself seriously thought I would have to learn to knit and would make us all body suits, ha! I made 2 meetings a week and met with my sponsor to do the steps. I ended up walking my dog lots, exercising with a friend and joining a study group and reading lots of Al-anon literature and getting into t.v. alittle bit, whatever helped me to get out of my head and obsessing on what wasn't going as I desired. It takes time and you are in the heat of it. What kind of hobbies have you dreamed of putting into your life? I had to work hard not to replace my exAH with someone and I took a year off and stayed alone and found myself it was a beautiful thing and I am far happier for it. Sending you much love and support!

Path to Serenity · Senior Member

I've seen my G'son only a couple of times in the past 13yrs and went 7 yrs with absolutely NO contact. His Mom, (Son's Ex) moved 2000 miles away because she needed to get clean and found it difficult to do living here close to her disfunctional family (alcohol/drugs/child abuse, etc). It's been very painful not being in my G'sons life and watching him grow but I understand that his Mom had to do what was healthy for her and her son. I gladly accept the sadness in return for knowing my G'son never had to experience what went on with that side of the family.

I also detached from my insane family and my children were allowed around them very rarely. There was no way I wanted my children to be around their insanity for fear that it would rub off on them. There have been 4 suicides on that side of the family; one of my nephews became a drug addict, joined a street gang and was found dead on a park bench. Hindsight tells me I made the right call.

My Mom died when I was a baby and my A father & enabling G'mother kept us from her side of the family (they were pretty normal people with no addictions) for fear that they'd tell me about my Dad's abuse of my Mom. But they always sent b'day cards & Xmas gifts & ocassionally a phone call. With that, I knew they loved and cared about me so when I came of age & made my own choices, I did get to know my Great Grandmother and Aunts & Uncles - didn't have a lot of time with them before they passed but it was quality time.

All those years with no contact with the G'son, I just kept telling myself.........GOD WILL MAKE IT RIGHT IN HIS OWN TIME and HE did. G'son was allowed to fly down a couple of times and we have been able to form a bond with him.

Be proud of your daughter for being able to detach from the insanity and set boundries - it sounds like you raised a healthy well-adjusted child and she's doing what she feels is best for her children. Once you've progressed in your own healing thru the fellowshiping in Al-anon, you'll be able reconnect with your daughter and G'babies. Your HP will show you the way.

Gailey · ~*Service Worker*~

I have been sad too about not seeing 2 of my grandchildren. GD is 2 1/2 and GS is 1. I did see him 1 time since he was born. My son is also military. He was stationed in Japan when he met and married a Japanese girl. They lived in the states for awhile but then he got stationed in Japan so that she could spend time with her family and the plan was that they would come back to the states permanently when he retired. That is about 3 1/2 years from now. However, since my son has not been able to quit drinking they may never live here. She will not move here knowing his history with binges and not have her mother to get in the car and drive to. So....I don't know what the future holds for a relationship with those grandchildren :(

We do skype with them which helps. Sometimes it makes it worse when you see them but cannot touch them. We were actually skyping for GS's 1st b-day party. I was so sad after that just watching her whole family involved with the celebration.

I decided that I was going to go and visit them. I really did not care how much it was going to cost. I had to make this happen for me. I have been to Japan 3 times but this will be the 1st time I will be traveling alone. My husband does not want to make the trip again. I am leaving on 9/8 and returning on 9/22. I am so excited to form a bond with those babies so that when we skype they will know exactly who I am. They are suppose to come here next summer but if they don't I have made up my mind I will just have to do whatever it takes to see them. Hopefully, it won't be another 14 hour flight though.

I have learned that I cannot expect anyone to provide my happiness for me. I am going to try very hard to not get engrossed on what has been going on with my son and his wife that it will not be enjoyable. This is all going to be about Julia, Kaili and Nana

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