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To sum it up quickly. Married 9 years, I left over sneak drinking, he tried to get me back still drinking said no. A year later we both started seeing each other again long distance 5hrs apart so it was weekends. He was thrilled, bought me a new ring and we were working it out or so I thought. He had been living with friends pretty much rent free and received a DUI and fine/fees and classes to pay for. He went and rented a cheap studio and became wild when he had to take on the responsiblity of paying bills (I always did) . Constantly calling me in an axiety attack that this or that is due and doesn't have food or gas for the week and we had a nice place until I left him and I ruined both our lives and hangs up on me. This, together with him making a joke over the DUI classes and not wanting to get sober we did not get back together - his choice, saying that we would end up fighting because he's not stoping, slowing down nothing and he knew I would turn on him. (I didn't) So he was able to get me to reconsider and try again and he choose to back off - so why does he have all this anger 15 months later at me and continuing to call me and scream about his bills, fines and fees. I told him the last time that I helped reinstate some things for him and that the rest was on him. He said I puched a couple of button, which was 'xxxx' compared to his DUI - My fault - not.
I am trying to understand where all his anger is coming from so I can get it off my back. I don't get it. I have asked him point blank and he won't answer me.
-- Edited by canadianguy on Thursday 23rd of August 2012 12:30:44 AM
I'm sorry for this tough, crazy-making time you are having. I hope that you can try some face-to-face meetings during this stress. I find that helpful for me. Sharing here is also wonderful for support and I continually rely on the serenity prayer and my HP. I have a couple thoughts to offer...
I completely identify with the desire to "understand" why these things are happening. The problem in addiction is that sometimes there is no way to understand what's happening and why. It's like nailing jello to a tree, as they say. Trying to understand why/how someone acts a certain way during addiction can be a trap sometimes, keeping us wound up in their drama and their issues, keeping our focus off of ourselves, keeping the focus off of the addiction and its consequences, keeping us from dealing with the real issues.
Sometimes I think that the best answer to "Why?" is just "Because he/she is an alcoholic." That can make it easier to stop wrestling with understanding the impossible and help us move into a more active phase of coping. Then I try to walk through a process - Here's the facts of what happened, here's how I feel about it, here's what I need, here's my boundaries, and here's what I'm going to do.
With that said, I'd wonder if his anger doesn't even have much to do with you or even your relationship with him. He might not answer your questions because he may not even know what all the anger is about. He may or may not even be actually angry with you. He may be more angry at himself. Or maybe he's angry because he's hurting and afraid and doesn't know how to cope with it. Anger and blaming can be so much easier than sadness and shame. In my experience, my qualifier was never really in touch with his feelings. That was part of the illness for him. He might think or say he's angry about one thing and then it turns out it was something else. My guess is that the anger has more to do with the power of addiction being threatened. Maybe he's angry because you won't pay his bills, but that's a boundary it sounds like you have clearly established. I don't know... Sounds like he's actively drinking and struggling to deal with the consequences while not accepting responsibility for his own actions.
My ESH would be to try to detach and focus less on understanding him and more on taking good care of yourself during this painful time. I hope this is helpful. Please take what you like and leave the rest. Best wishes to you!
I think yo are right about the power of addiction being threatened. He has no parents or kids and his siblings are drunks. There is no one besides me that ever took an interest in his sobriety. He was nasty to me when he was full blown drinking and he is not ready to quit and knows we can't be together otherwise. The last time I seen him he looked at me at said I don't know if I even want to quit and I never saw him look so vulnerable and week in my life. It was usually more like it's my choice, I am a man and worked hard and can do what I want. He really appears to have no control and cannot accept responsibility for any of his actions at all. Sad, but I am working on me. I just wish he would focus his anger elsewhere and quit texting and lashing out at me with it since i can't help.
Sometimes the best thing to do is stop reacting to the craziness they send. My life gets a whole lot better when I stop sending replies back OR thinking that any of this has anything to do with me.
I can't remember if you have shared you are attending meetings or not .. I hope you are because it really helps to be in a group of people face to face and hear directly the stories of how they have learned to take the focus off of their A and put it back on themselves.
My experience with my STBXAH is that the lack of ability to take any kind of personal responsibility for his choices. At the moment he's in a very bad financial situation and I actually do feel sorry for him. It's ALL my fault according to his version of realityland. I know it's not all my fault cause guess what when he moved out my life got so much better. He's having a difficult time with that reality thing. That isn't my issue though where my part is how I choose to handle what he's throwing as far as the anger goes because it's just not about me.
It takes time and gets better one day at a time.
Hugs P :)
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
Alcholics hate boundaries. You are stopping enabling and drawing boundaries. It's forcing him to act like a grown up and he can't stand it. It gets in the way of his drinking and being irressponsible.
Of course the target of that anger is going to be you instead of what it should be (alcohol/self) because that's how addiction works.
Deep breath. Continue detaching. His anger is his. Your job is to keep your side of the street clean. Just because he's angry doesn't mean you did anything wrong. In fact, in this case, I venture to say it means you have done well :)
I hope you are making it to meetings and have a sponsor. My sponsor helped me to work through the guilt and blame I took on frim my exAH and it was so freeing. The steps walked me through everything I needed to cast off and to work on what was mine to own. I am sending you love and support on your journey!
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Sending you love and support on your journey always! BreakingFree
Al-Anon/Alateen Family Group Headquarters, Inc. 800-344-2666
" Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional."
"Serenity is when your body and mind are in the same place."
Thank's for all the support. I get it. He is angry because I didn't run down there, rent us a place and save the day so he could sit on his but and drink. He was furious went I had him put the car insurance in his own name because he can't call and tell me he doesn't have the money and I'm stuck with the bill. I also told him that if we were gonna be together and he was drinking it would be on my terms in any other way and that we would have to live here where I am and have family and friends. He wanted to get me alone and trapped again with him. He even said I thought you were as miserable as I was being split up. I guess that means I should have been miserable enough to be happy to be his enabler/flunky. I'm sorry, I would have supported him thru sobriety but I will not be his door mat.
I don't know there is a "why" I do know that I was very willing to listen to the ex A's anger all the time and he wasn't much interested in my point of view. That for me was a deal breaker in the end. These days I count.
I can understand how compelling it is to pick up the phone when he calls. Its a bit like going by an accident when you are driving, what's happened, what's next what is the next installment. The constant chaos can be addictive because it seems like you are such an important person to him. I really believe that the ex A would at some actually note that I was someone who helped him but he didn't. I was someone to call, get money from and use. When I stopped giving him money at a certain point he went to all his friends and told them I was the problem. By then I was ready for that and eventually those friends called me and apologized because by then the ex A was calling them the problem.
I hope you will choose to let al anon into your life. Get the book Getting them Sober. Start looking at al anon literature, get a sponsor, go to meetings learn who can support you. If your Ex A were serious about sobriety he could find plenty of people to support him in Alcholics anonymous he just doesn't want to do that....yet.
