The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
For me the peril of being around alcoholism is all that life and death stuff. If I do this they might...whatever. What a great hook to keep someone in their life? How dependent can someone be. The fact was that I was actually the dependent one. They could take or leave me (and did) but I felt like I needed them in order to feel like a functioning human being. Without them I felt like I was absolutely abandoned in the world.
Many an alcoholic is adept at putting other people in their life in those situations. If the ex A didn't have his tickets paid he would...so I paid them, if he didn't have anywhere to live he would (so I found him somewhere), if he didn't have food, water and all kinds of things he would and I would regret it for the rest of my life.
I have now been away from the now ex A for over 5 years. A few months ago I saw his picture on the intenet (his mother had some kind of a restaurant meeting with him) he didn't die, he didn't waste away and he looked pretty okay to me. Alcoholics are great at shifting the responsibility for their lives on other people. In fact I would say they are expert at it. Putting the shift back on their shoulders is not for the fearful. I think its one of the hardest things I have ever done but it is one of the best decisions I ever made (and I doubt pretty much all of my other life changing decisions chronically).
Al anon has certainly helped me tremendously. So has a book called Getting them Sober. I would really encourage you to give al anon a try, go to meetings, read literature, talk to people. Get help, acquire new skills and then come back to the decisions, plans and actions you feel necessary to take care of yourself.
Maresie.
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-- Edited by orchidlover on Wednesday 22nd of August 2012 04:27:54 PM
Hi everybody, I just joined this forum 30 seconds ago because i need advice... My mom is an alcoholic and dropped off the deep end about a year ago. Since then I have desperately tried to save her and done everything in my power to no avail. I went to an al anon meeting last night and it opened my eyes to the fact that I am enabling her and standing in the way of her recovery by preventing her from experiencing the consequences of her actions. She is back at my house since 2 Fridays ago. I told her she needs to go to rehab and that i will not tolerate her drinking in my house. She went to detox that following sunday and got out on Friday. She is now drinking again and I know its been at least since Monday. She has nobody else to stay with and I am afraid that If I kick her out she will die out there or have nothing to eat. I desperately want out of this situation but I feel like if I turn her away I might regret it for the rest of my life if something happens to her. I guess I'm mainly venting but has anyone had this situation before and what did you do?
Thank you Maresie! I plan to continue to go to Al Anon. Just from the one meeting I attended last night I think I have a better understanding of my role in the situation. I guess the hardest part of the situation is that she has always been on her feet until last September and then everything fell apart. If she had been this way all of my life it would be easier to accept. Its like one day she was the greatest mother on the face of the planet and the next day she was a raging drunk. I am trying to get it through my head that I dont owe her anything for taking care of me and saving me from my trouble. Just a few years ago I was the one in trouble and she was saving me from it. Im only 22 though and I was a teenager when i was messing up.. she's 46 years old.
Thanks orchidlover, I needed to hear that about how your ex did ok even though you weren't taking care of him. Even though me and my AH just recently separated, those fears creep in to my mind. Sorry to hear about your mom Shaun. They can really go downhill quickly. My husband did too. I second the advice on the book, Getting Them Sober!!
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"Just being there for someone can sometimes bring hope when all seems hopeless." - Dave G Llewellyn
I will definitely have to look into that book. Yesterday I started the detachment... She told me that she had been drinking the whole time she has been back at my house and that she is out of money and liquor and is having withdrawals... she spent the whole day begging me to buy her alcohol and ciggarettes and then when I said no she told me how ungrateful I was and that I was a hypocrite. She told me she was going to leave and kill herself about 15 times and left... each time she was gone no longer then 10 minutes. The more persistent she was at trying to manipulate me the more I detached. I would just tell her I love you mom but im not going to buy you alcohol and im not discussing this with you and then I would go for a walk or go to the store. By the end of the day she was apologizing to me and telling me she is gonna get better and stop hurting me. I know there is a long way to go but I feel like its progress.
