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Think I need advise on how to handle the arrogance of the dry alcoholic who doesnt attend meetings anymore... ? Im not sure why my husband doesnt attend meetings anymore. Im not even sure if my husband ever had a sponsor like he said he did..? wouldnt the sponsor being contacting him after missing more than a half a year.. ? he was much more patient and able to work through his "perfectionist" attitude of others when attending meetings.. although he would comment about how wrong everyone was at the meetings... now that he doesnt go there is pretty much no approaching him with any communication (other than if I have a problem that he can tell me how to perfectly fix) and there is no way to meet his expectations... is this a normal personality trait??
Id like to find a local Alanon meeting in my area but have yet to find one I feel comfortable in as my husband doesnt drink anymore, and most of the local meetings the conversations are in such a manner, but still has the attitude of being drunk most times..
Alcoholics dont do normal, drinking or not....it would be best for you to detach from trying to get him to a meeting, he could be starting up drinking again. It will show itself if he is.
Meantime, everything still applies in Alanon whether your husband is sober or not. An alcoholic will always be an alcoholic. Alanon will help you take the focus off of him and give you the tools and insight into the disease. Alcoholics can be sober for long periods of time and then start again. The compulsion is overwhelming.
You can keep coming back here, we have some awesome folks here with plenty of experience that can offer you hope and strength.
Hello Angie - your post makes me think of Tom's quote - he'll either drink (or be arrogant) or he won't, what will you do? My thought is to decide what you will do in the face of his arrogance and set your boundary with him and then follow through on the boundary if broken, same as if he was drinking or doing something else you don't like - (this is where Al-anon tools come into play; taking care of YOU does not have to be only in the face of drinking, it can be other behaviors that hurt you and need boundaries). Unattractive personality traits are tolerated by "us" a lot longer than by normal people; it doesn't sound like there is any consequence with you to his arrogant behavior. I know an older gent in my town who "used to be an alcoholic" according to him and he knows everything and bullies everyone because he knows everything! (and everyone turns the other direction or groans when they see him coming); and we feel for the spouse having to live with him!
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I am strong in the broken places. ~ Unknown
All changes, even the most longed for, have their melancholy; for what we leave behind us is a part of ourselves; we must die to one life before we can enter another! ~ Anatole France
have any advise on how to not let the arrogance affect me?? when i do try to set my boundaries, and ask him not to speak to me in the manner he does, i get cussed at more.. and unfortunately Im a sensitive ... words are like knives ... and hes also rough on his son who lives with us..the words.. i come from long background of family alcoholism and I can see now his son is also affected.. his son is a teen who cant please him either.
Have you read any books on the subject or considered going into counseling? I think those things will help you greatly. My AH was sober for 15 years, he didn't use a program but just quit drinking on his own. He has always had a victim and entitlement mentality. Very narcissistic and thinks he's better than everyone else. My 13 year old recently asked me, "Why is dad such a racist?" Now that he's drinking again, it's gotten worse. Melody Beattie's book, "Codependent No More" is a great start or maybe try a book on Boundaries? Also, if your husband is emotionally abusive like mine and if you are a Christian, I read a book recently called, "The Emotionally Destructive Relationship" and really got a lot out of it.
Hi angiedd - my exH was a dry drunk all 15 years we were married, as soon as we split he began to drink and has slowly been progressing. He was and has always been so arrogant. Ironically the exABF I recently broke up with was not arrogant dry but I think that is not the norm.
I like the recommendation here where you picture the word "SICK" on their forhead when they are talking crazy. My exH arrogance is so bad he's been fired like 15 times in his life and cannot hold a job. Always telling the bosses he can do it better. Still doesn't seem to get it?
Just realize his thinking is warped because of his disease. It makes perfect sense in his head to be arrogant even though everyone else can't quite understand.
For the alcoholic to stop drinking is only a prerequisite to recovery. It is like taking the bus to work, the job cant start till you get there. Not drinking is not recovery.
As the mind starts to heal over time recovery can set in better. When the alcohol is removed what is left is the bad behaviors that probably helped someone drink to excess in the first place.
As everyone knows recovery includes a program, awareness, humility, selflessness, seeking information, better people to associate with, not using self as a higher power, etc. In a way there is no cookie cutter definition of alcoholic behavior. Some can hug and some can fight, some can get very honest and some can lie, some can not show up for work and some can be workaholics, some can laugh and some can cry. The important thing is to return to ones normal and start to work from there.
Normal is a very undefined term. I would think that if when we start to talk our program to others that are not familiar, we are viewed as quite odd. Remember that we have grown into it, we have worked it as a goal.
So enough about the A what did I do today? What did I learn that I can relate to help others? Which of my faults did I make some progress over? It is easier for me to look at others as an excuse for my bad behavior. So what did I do to become more aware of myself?
We have an oldtimmer in our area who always reminds us this is called alcoholism not alcoholwasm , drinking or not he is and always will be an alcoholic . Al-Anon works wether drinking or not , learn to set boundaries for your relationship , you decide how you will be treated , if you want respect ask for it . as for the arrogance don't know if that ever passes and it really dosent matter once you learn to not react but to respond it won't bother you anymore . Al-Anons listen to my problems they dont try to fix it , going to an alcoholic for emotional support is like going to a hardware store for aloaf of bread . Keep going to your meeting it is about you for you , drinking or not . just my opinion . Louise
for me, alanon is focusing on myself and my issues, not on the alcoholic or the alcoholic's issues. And it is also helpful, too, in understanding the disease concept.
Allie
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Alanon is about self-care, not caring for the alcoholic.
Thank you so much all for all the kind words.... several things stick with me that I had NOT thought of before, and I will surely implant into my brain right now here today..
1) going to an alcoholic for emotional support is like going to a hardware store for aloaf of bread (I do this.. what was I thinking? HA that's gonna stop now)
2) picture the word "SICK" on their forhead when they are talking crazy (this will be very helpful for me and my sensitivity.. thank you)
3) Normal is a very undefined term (Im finding there is no normal.. there just is...)
He will ask me why I love him, after he finds some "sense" of his action.. I love the HIM that I see inside there, not the monster that he portrays to be, to protect the ego..
I have found another meeting close to me that I plan to check out on Sunday.. wish me luck..
I have heard some folks in AA say they stayed away from meetings and were dry until they felt like killing themselves because their character defects were so overwhelming and destroying everything in their lives. At that point they came back and worked the steps hard. It's one thing to stop drinking and it's another thing to commit to changing everything about yourself. He may hit a "sober bottom" in the same manner.
In the meanwhile (and regardless of him), Alanon would be a gift to give yourself. You deserve the peace of mind and serenity.
