The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
((((Sue))))...Remember you are still a newbie Grrrrrrrr. I was trying to rush it when I first got here also and was all over the place myself. I was soooo neeeeeedy and that caused me additional problems which I didn't need. The Daily reader One Day At A Time in Al-Anon (ODAAT) was the earliest reader and I still have mine from 1979 and use it. What it does is mind set me. It gives me understanding into myself and then gives me another mind set which is what I needed; a different direction from what I was compulsed to.
It took me a long time to "get it" but with the daily readers ODAAT, Courage to Change (you got) and Hope for Today...I get mind set tools which change my behaviors. More later (((((hugs)))))
Later...On the overwhelming part we do have a slogan that is helpful...gotta interalize it and then practice it..."Take what you like and ... leave the rest". The program had to be little bites and baby steps for me because I didn't have the capacity for more stuff in my life cause all the empty spaces had been used up by the disease. I had to do some major letting go of reactions and defenses to make room for new helpful stuff. Being overwhelmed is like having too much weight on the bar for the weight lifter. If you don't drop the bar and take some weight off you get a hernia...painful and ugly from my experience.
It's not going to unwind over night...take your time.
((((hugs))))
-- Edited by Jerry F on Wednesday 22nd of August 2012 08:15:40 PM
I would agree that Getting them Sober is an excellent resource there is also a whole series of books by that author I, II, III and IV. All great stuff.
Melody Beatties books have helped me a great deal.
Actually I would not agree that either of those books "dumbs" anything down but it certainly elaborates on the concepts.
Most of all I would suggest writing a daily gratitude list. I have been doing that for a while now and find it really centers my day. One way to simplify a program is to get a sponsor. They can work with you on what to do, how to handle certain situations and more. For me getting out of a alcoholic relationship wasn't necessarily a relief. Certain it was good to be away from the toxic influences of that day to day existence. I had and still have ( 5 years plus later) a lot of grief about what it meant for me to be there in the middle of that chaos day in and day out. I also have grief about where it took me, like you, to a major depression, and little if any physical or monetary goods to show for it.
One thing I did and found very helpful was to know as little as possible about the place, person and logistics of my ex's current life. The less I knew about the Ex the better that would include looking on facebook (always a big boulder to cross for so many of us) , having people tell you where he is (how people love to do that) what he is doing and how he is (that would include his relatives, friends and neighbors) . That level of detachment was really necessary for me to focus on what and how my current life was. Leaving a dysfunctional person alcoholic was for me like losing an arm they wereso central to my life that it was almost like having a phantom limb to be around them and know about them. I didn't do any of that overnight. Then I could get a lot of clarity over my resentments, grief and patterns of behavior around him. I have found it really helpful to talk to a sponsor about resentments pretty regularly because they are pretty difficult to resolve and understand as they are multi complex issues.
Maresie.
-- Edited by orchidlover on Wednesday 22nd of August 2012 04:42:05 PM
Here's my situation: I don't live with my A, we're recently divorced. And he's sober, has been for 25 years. He shouldn't still be influencing my life and apparently has moved on with a new gf. So, I "should" be fine, I wanted out of the marriage bc he is a dry drunk and drove me into anxiety and depression. So, I'm in alanon to help ME, not do anything at all about him...he is gone.
So is there a book that'll help me let go? And here's another thing, I don't believe in God so prayer, faith, etc. isn't an option.
I go to meetings, but they OVERWHELM me with information...I need somebody to dumb it down for me, give me some simple stuff to hang onto.
I have the yellowish alanon book (can't remember the name), but really relate very little to it.
"Getting Them Sober, Volume I" by Toby Drew is an excellent resource. It's not Al-Alon literature, but many on this board have found it to be very helpful (including me). It's also available in a Kindle version. The other volumes are great too, but start with Volume I.
The other thing not to overlook is going to meetings and getting a sponsor. I can't stress how much my own healing expedited and how important my sponsor is to me.
The reading is great and a wonderful tool the sponsorship that I have received is what has propelled me further into healing and working a program of recovery.
I am a big big big pusher of any Melody Beattie books .. LOVE HER!!! Co Dependent No More was a life changer for me. I'm also now a big Andy Andrews fan .. The Travelers Gift .. it's not about alanon or addiction it's about learning to think differently and what 7 decisions have made life easier to accept. It's a great story though and he's a wonderful writer.
Hugs P :)
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
Ditto the Melody Beattie books - also "boundaries" by Towns and Cloud (title is longer but get the boundaries one that's standard, they have a whole series).
I've read the codependency books by Melody multiple times, I have 3 of them. They are my "check in" point when I'm struggling with myself.
"Getting Them Sober" by Toby Rice Drews volume 1 and almost any Melody Beattie book like "Codependent No More", "The Language of Letting Go" and many more good ones from her. The 3 daily reader's I have "Hope for Today", "Courage to Change" and "One Day at a Time". Lots of excellent recovery books to help you with your program and don't forget a sponsor is priceless! Sending you love and support on your journey!
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Sending you love and support on your journey always! BreakingFree
Al-Anon/Alateen Family Group Headquarters, Inc. 800-344-2666
" Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional."
"Serenity is when your body and mind are in the same place."
orchid lover.. thank you for your post. i am very new to this whole process. i have not joined al-anon..am a little apprehensive..can you give me a debriefing on the initial process..who its for, what u do, what is required(timewise, moneywise)???
i completely picked myself and my 2 children up ..moved 300 miles away from my codependant relationship with their A father..and every other person i know..i myself have come to accept that i am also an A(joining in so we at least had something/time in common). i have made the decision to live the life i imagined for myself and my children. it is emotionally and mentally depressing not having anyone nearby to be supportive. single working commuting mom sober.. that is me.. and i am so tired. and i miss the man i love.
Sue, in order for the 12 steps to work and for the program to work, you do not have to have a "God" that is Jesus or anything else that is standard religion. It will greatly behoove you though if you can be openminded to searching for spiritual enlightenment because the idea of a spiritual awakening is at the core of the steps.
There are plenty of atheists in 12 step programs but typically they choose a higher power which is the energy in the rooms, the group of people in the rooms, or nature, forces that keep things in balance, or concepts such as love, truth....
If you can be open to that and to finding elements of your own higher power within other peoples shares who DO believe in more traditional forms of a higher power, the program will be less complicated for you.
So - the program CAN be done without "God" because a higher power is what you make it. It can be done without prayer in that you can seek contact with your higher power through meditation or some other measure that suits you. It really cannot be done without faith in something larger than yourself. I hope you are open to that. Faith is one of the spiritual principles the emerges from doing the steps. If your faith grows in a different direction or if your faith strengthens, that's not a bad thing right? Why not be open to it?
Aside from that, all the readings suggested will be great. Just didn't want you to be so turned off by "God talk" that you left the program before it had a chance to work.
