The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
So, today AH forwarded an email to me regarding his sales incentive trip to Costa Rica. I needed to get back to him ASAP and let him know if I planned on going. His words to me were, "Let me know what you think of this." Apparently, he was supposed to respond a week ago for the cut off but neglected it or avoided or whatever to probably see if I would be willing to go. Now, I usually look forward to these trips. The company puts us up at Ritz Carltons or Four Seasons Resorts and it's very 5 star treatment. Even when things were difficult between us, I would force myself to go and make the best of it because I knew the resorts were worth the cost.
Well, I decided that this year I wasn't going to go. I prayed about it. I talked to my sponsor. I called my mom. I honestly couldn't justify going on a trip with him after the things he's said to me. He'd expect sex, and I am not ready to have sex with someone who thinks I'm going to call him a rapist. I'd have to spend a LOT of time with him and put on a happy face in front of his coworkers. I'd have to play the role of good supportive wifey while there and I just couldn't imagine myself being so fake.
So, after I prayed about it and dealt with the fear that was creaing terrible nausea in my stomach, I called him. I told him I would not be going. I just said, "I'm not ready for the trip at this point. You, of course, are welcome to go without me since it's your sales incentive trip." He said, "I kind of expected this. OK." And, that was that.
I thought I would be riddled with guilt. I thought I'd be a mess. After I got over the shock that I actually declined a free trip to Costa Rica, I reminded myself that I was doing what was best for me. I wasn't trying to punish AH, I was trying to protect myself from someone whom I don't trust to not break my heart over and over again. I honestly feel really good and it's not a vindictive good, it's a pat on the back good. It's the first time I turned down something like this for my own welfare. So many times we'd be getting ready for this trip and he'd be freaking out, bitching at me about how my mom didn't want to drive back and forth to the airport(and then throwing her under the bus daily to me until I got on the phone and begged her to just trust me to give her good directions to the airport and that she'd be OK), etc. he would fret about all kinds of things and his anxiety would be so high to the point where I would be thinking of backing out of the trip at the last minute especially when my mom shows up. Some years I thought that I'd rather stay home with my mom and son than to go on the trip with AH.
Anyway, I feel like it's progress. He didn't call me tonight from the east coast(he's visiting his mom) but that didn't bother me either. Detaching is working. Now, I just need to detach with love and keep working on me!
So that's how it's done and that's what I'll practice also...take care of my welfare first no matter what..."Go for broke" like Bettina says. Mahalo "B" one more tool for today. Thank you God. ((((hugs))))
It's a good feeling except that my AH is now barely speaking to me. I think he's retreating to his corner to lick his wounds and I hope he realizes that I wasn't trying to punish him. I doubt he'll see it that way, but that's his business and he's entitled to have his own feelings. I am finally learning that it's OK to put myself first and take care of me but I also am learning that these changes don't bring out the best in the A. It's going to mean that I need to be very strong and work my program even harder or else I'll get sucked into his pity party and passive aggressive behaviors and I'll be going backwards.
Touche to all of the above... One of our biggest challenges, and it was a HUGE one for me, is that we are faced with some very tough choices - like that one you just had to make about Costa Rica - and inside - if you're anything like me - you kinda want your A to applaud you, and tell you what a wonderful piece of recovery that was.... :)
Our reality, however, is that we seldom get any such validation from A's, particularly not active ones.... This is why we advocate the "power of we", so going to a F2F meeting and sharing, or posting here - you are surrounding yourself with people who do understand, can empathize, and will offer any validation you may need....
It's a catch-22 - he's mad, because he sees you changing, and sees you getting healthy, and it is showing that it is going to interfere with his damn addiction, and he (nor his addiction) are happy about that.....
This is why the 'Getting Them Sober' books get so much credibility.... they advocate that we get ourselves healthy - they acknowledge that by doing so, it will make our A's uncomfortable, and the net result, in the end, is that it gives our A's a much better likelihood of choosing long-term sobriety....
T
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"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
