Debilyn:

I so appreciate your post and share .

It came from the heart and it spoke truth , love and acceptance.

Hugs, Bettina

I know you're frustrated... and rightfully so..... but in all honesty, it is all a part of "his" process, and at least the wheels appear to be moving inside him..... They seldom choose their recovery at OUR desired intensity/speed, but if nothing else, he seems to know that he DOES have an issue with alcohol....

He will either drink (or cut down, or whatever) or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?

Keep choosing recovery.... for YOU.

Take care

Tom

It is so hard to understand at first, and to accept the truths of an addict. After you are in Al anon awhile you will know,"of course he drinks, makes promises and lies, he is an addict. He could be sober ten years and drink. of course he did, he is an addict.

Being sober is nothing, just nothing. What my goal was with Al Anon tools was I wanted to be able to live with my addict husband, warts and all. Meaning drinking, detox, white knuckle sober, on program, doing heroin whatever. Becuz I loved the man, if I chose to live with him, then I had to accept him as he was. I was blessed for many months of being able to be with him becuz of this. But the brain damage progressed and he became dangerously abusive.

Its hard for us to understand the totalness of this disease. I researched it so much and had started premed classes. When I understood what the disease was physically and how it truly affects them, I became so compassionate.

I learned they feel more guilt that we ever will. They want to believe they can just drink once a week. or they really do want to quit. But the disease is a horrible craving.

They can have just gotten home from the store with two cases of beer, sit down, open one, and already are scheming where to get money to buy more, where will I get it, buy and bring it home again. Same as heroin or any drug. They get the heroin, the spoon the cotten the lighter the syringe, do it up and already are thinking about buying more. Same with meth, all of it is a process. Its not just the drug.

Like I loved to sit on my horse. But first I get him some food, brush him do his hooves, give him a bubble bath dry him and on and on. Its all a process.

What I did was make it clear to my AH that his disease was his business. I didn't want to hear about any of it. I don't care if you drink or not. I don't care if you are maintaining with heroin.

Just be you. YOu on drugs or you not. I loved him, all of him, but to live with him, I had to change ME.

He has been gone years now. Was a horrible rough time with out him for a long time.

This is all what worked for me. Part of the problem is they soak their organs, muscles everything with alcohol. Organs etc. require huge amounts of water. Alcohol destroys those delicate tissues, dehydrates them. They get super thirsty then drink more alcohol. Their blood sugar sky rockets, when they try to detox it drops to very low levels.

Its hard for people to look at them and see what a horrible thing this disease is doing to them. Its dissolving them really. And it will cont. as they use until it finally kills them.

I look at all addicts with new eyes since I came to mip many, many years ago. I am so fortunate I do not have the dna in my body that predispositions me to be an addict. No one in my family does. My poor A, I don't know who does not in his family, on top of that, his father was a HORRIBLE abusive man.

Anyway maybe you can do some research and studying. Ask HP to help you to understand and find some serenity.

keep coming!! hugs,debilyn

Another Great Post and responses and that second entry by Lynda S should be a thread of it's own.  Lynda please think about making it a single thread and watching the response.   Almost giving up...in the description of alcoholism it speaks of insanity being one of the two consequences of unarrested alcoholism...it also contains descriptions of those who are affected by anothers drinking (alcoholic) and it includes INSANITY also.  I put it in capitals because the definition say we go as crazy if not more so, that the alcoholic because we don't have alcohol to block out reality...therefore we go thru the insanity wide awake.  That was true for me...while she was drunk and loaded and not aware of what the hell was going on I got to experience it in dolby sound and wide screen vivid color with captions.  I went crazier than she did and faster because I wasn't under the influence of the anesthesia alcohol (it is one you know).

You don't need permission to allow him the consequences of his choices.  Allow him the dignity of his poor choices and move thru it.  Getting mad at an alcoholic and trying to punish them for it, in my experience urges them to drink and drink more.  That is what happened in my marriage with the alcoholic/addict wife.  Guilt and Shame are great justifications for the alcoholic to drink ...alot.  She would accept my anger as real and then drink more...That was stunning to go thru because my messed up head said a normal person would cut back or stop and then I learned not to use the same rule for what is "normal" with an alcoholic/addict...normal is alcohol, drinking, drunk, problems.  I also learned not to substitute a good meal for a peanut butter sandwich because I was angry at something or someone.  You can make a great meal for yourself without guilt or gloating.  I learned not to appologize for it afterward either.  Someone said in early recovery the definition of an enabler "who is the person that says I'm Sorry when someone else steps on their toes".  That one was gold for me cause that is what I did only the alcoholic/addict didn't just step on my toes...with my permission and participation she walked all over me.  Was she bad?  Nah she was truely sick.  When she got sober it was miraculous. 

Putting dinner, or my life or any other event on hold because of my spouses inability to participate no longer is a justification to not do for me what I need to  or often want to.  She had her choices and I had mine...no where in the literature manual from my birth does it say that I choose to or accept being second best.  I can choose to be part of the group and in the end its still me standing for me.

Thanks for the thread ((((hugs))))