Is this normal? - Al-Anon Family Group

Bettina · ~*Service Worker*~

Is this normal?

suebama · Veteran Member

A friend of mine thinks I'm depressed and says I should take anti-depressants. I'm not asking anyone for advice, I know this is an outside issue, but I would like to know if my hysteria is normal or a little overboard. I'm afraid that pills will just prolong the inevitable.

First of all, I have breast cancer, or at least that should be first of all. Actually, it's not the thing that I'm the most worried about, unfortunately. I'm really more concentrated on my recovered XAH who is, as I've expressed on here before, in love with an old gf and over me. I am OBSESSED over trying to control him, whether or not he behaves as I think he should around our children, etc. He has taken back up cigarettes after 20 years with his new woman who drinks and uses...it's possible he'll relapse there too. I'm way too busy minding his business and not my own. This powerlessness over him makes me crazy and sometimes I lay in bed sobbing all day.

Friday, one of my 2 children went off to college...the final straw. So, Saturday night I lost it and couldn't stop crying. It was one of those moaning, sobbing, wailing kinds of hysterias. I called a friend to help me and he said something's wrong with me. He said that my sadness is out-of-proportion, that's it's going on too long, that I really need to take pills or I'm going to go insane.

Have any of you felt this badly? Am I losing it?

Path to Serenity · Senior Member

I agreet with Bettina; talk to your doctor.

I took some anxiety pills a couple of years ago - while I was waiting for results on tests that 5 different doctors told me was probably cancer. I specifically told the Dr that I did not want anti-depressants because of the possible side effects so he put me on a mild anxiety type med. The tumors in my lungs disappears literally overnite - I celebrated, thanked my HP and thru the pills away.

Drugs are not always the answer but considering what you're dealing with, only your Dr will know what is best for you.

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

No one has the right to gauge if your sadness is too much for the situation. We all respond to things differently!

The point is, you feel what you do, and that is very ok! Of course a talk with doc is vital. My mother went on anti depresssants when she was diagnosed also.

I don't know where you are in the process or if you are choosing one, but the meds can be extremely difficult.

Do you live with the cheating husband?

Makes sense to me that you cannot control your bodys illness so you will jump in and try to control the A.

If you depend on him financially, and here you are sick, of course you would be very upset. To me it sounds here that you are fighting for your life! Then one of your babies leaves the nest! I share all the time I asked my kids when they were coming home until they were 30! sigh. I still miss them terribly!

That is sooo much on your plate, Now I do suffer from depression and doc and I work on keeping me, me. I am on effexor. BUT what your body does is grow more receptors so it makes it soooo hard to go off what you take. So my experience is, if I ever had a chance I would start with something different.

Anti Depressants will put chemicals in your body that you need. YOurs are sick right now to put it in an easy way to understand. It would help you to sort things out and not get so upset.

I do know the deep sobbing and moaning. I almost called my friend too late. She took me to my wonderful Doc. he asked me what was wrong. I just said I am sick. I was trying to kick the stupid effexor.

Just had to up it abit again. Now I do feel better. For me counseling helps a lot. My faith is number one.

Have you called to get on SSD? The day you call is the day they start benefits once you get them. When someone has a terminal illness HUD gets them help lots faster. Not saying you are as you did not share that.

we can choose to stay in a bad situation. Or we can leave or make changes.

I know for me when I am being proactive, getting in there and doing something, it helps me. Like now, I want to live closer to my friends and son. So even though I am not ready to move, I am looking and also getting rid of stuff.

So I would ask me hon, What do I want? ME how do I want my life? What can I do to get there?

I am so sad he is sick, remember addiction is so much more than drinking or whatever. We can expect nothing from an addict.

You know we want them to love us, take care of us, be true. So even if you could control him, he would not being doing it from his heart anyway. And we don't want that!

I think my life got lots better when I learned how to take care of me. Not need someone else. But if I met someone and they changed my mind about marriage, great then we could share our strengths not our neediness!

Also I hope you have support?? I went or my moms friends went to all her appointments and everything I was like a bear protecting her from anyone daring not to be nice to her! YOU need that too! there are support groups, there are people who volunteer to help!

Please keep in touch. PM me anytime!! love,debilyn who will keep you in her prayers.

glad lee · ~*Service Worker*~

Yes, I did feel that badly when I didn't use the tools. Making friends with powerlessness and allowing a power greater than myself, greater than alcoholism, greater than ex-husband and his new life, greater than his choices... a power GREATER THAN all of that to move in and restore ME. Higher power is my great physician waiting for me to ask for help, that's all I had to do. And when I did it, I fell on my knees, I begged God to help me and to do it NOW, I was in soooo much pain. Because HP gives us free will, HP is not going to step in without our ASKING, that is my experience.

Powerlessness was scary at first. But when my suffering became sooooooo unbearable and I hated my life as it was, I did it. I took all the suggestions. The spiritual life is not a theory, we have to live it. Being addicted to a person, I struggled too. So I had to find a substitute for my addiction, I had to fill my time with meetings, and phone calls to my sponsor, coffee with fellowship members, with al-anon literature, with meditation class...... all of it. I had no choice, I had suffered enough.

You might consider how you are making him your Higher power, he has the power to ruin your day. Is that really who you want to give your power to?? You can always take your power back, sweetie. Start your day over right now. Put your focus back on YOU and your new life ahead of you, there is an opportunity in front of you. Don't make him an "obstacle" to your happiness, consider the "opportunities."

If I can do this, you can, the miracles are for all of us (((big hugs)))

Jennifer · ~*Service Worker*~

I also agree with Bettina. When I was dealing with multiple areas of loss in my life, as you are, I felt that bad. Sometimes a night of wailing and sobbing is the best form of healing. I talked to both my doctor and my therapist about my sadness and anxiety, what I was doing to try to help myself and listened to thier opinions on the positives and negatives of using medications to help the process. I am sure your friend meant well and wants the best for you but everyone handles emotional situations differently and a professional, if not multiple professionals, should be helping you with that decision. Keep taking care of you.

Jen

JJ21 · Veteran Member

I took meds for a few months after I left. It made me feel much better and more in control. I had to feel calm so that I could use my head instead of my heart. Prozac is a mild anti-depressant and theyuse it for OCD too. Maybe it would help with some of your obsessing. Your life and health are more important. Make a list of all the reasons you divorced him and look at it every morning. They probably haven't changed and he is pulling the crap on her too now. It's never as good as we think it is.

Jerry F · ~*Service Worker*~

((((Suebama))))....You really are not alone huh? Cyber family and Al-Anon meeting. With both you get to change the things you can. I read the posts thru the filter of my own recovery and one of my perspectives from experiences is "You need to loose it and never find it again" and the "it" in that idea is the obession and the needs to control and manipulate. Loose them...some place where you'll never be able to find them again and replace them with new working tools that will get you to and help you maintain your sanity.

Of course I know where you're at and what you're going thru...my alcoholic was female and my physical problemswere seizures, spontaneous blindness, random blackouts. The doctors (whole bus load of them) never found the cause and always saw the symptoms. What ever!! Normal for you now is grief and sadness and loneliness and wanting and FEAR and others and they will not stay the norm as you continue to work for alternative thinking, feeling, believing and behavior. MIP and Al-Anon can and will get you there and you have to put the present stuff somewhere it will get lost and come join us. It will happen I promise you as you learn to do what it is that we have.

Keep coming back ((((((hugs)))))) smile

pinkchip · ~*Service Worker*~

I don't know that your sadness is inappropriate for the situation. It sounds more like you have several situations that have added up to one big existential crisis. We are human and 20 percent of folks will face a major depressive episode at some point in their lives. This does sound like a major depressive episode and it would be worth talking to your doctor and a counselor also. Whether or not your stressors are not proportional your behavior is kind of irrelevant. You described really suffering and obsessing. I've been there and medication did help me. Taking meds for depression didn't take away problems for me but it got me to the point of being functional enough to start dealing with them.

It is conceivable that you can get through this using supports and alanon tools. The Language of Letting Go would be a good book to read for you. The medication option is one to consider when you cannot even stop crying long enough to get the book to get to a meeting, to make dinner, or are crying all day and not finding enjoyment in anything. That is depression at that point and it does merit medical attention in addition.

Also - I realize I just wrote about depression a bunch and it does sound like anxiety is also a major component here. The way you have described the combo of obsessing and also getting so down is also how I get when I am not doing well. Anxiety and depression are wrapped up together. Not sure if it will help you to know that but at least know that you are not alone.

-- Edited by pinkchip on Tuesday 21st of August 2012 10:00:52 AM

-- Edited by pinkchip on Tuesday 21st of August 2012 10:03:32 AM

milkwood · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi, I'm sorry that you have so much on your plate right now and I'm not surprised that you are wailing and crying. I hope that you are getting the advice that you need to take baby steps to look after yourself.

I'm responding because your story is, in places similar to mine and I found a few small tricks that helped me so I would like to share them with you as well.

I coped very badly with AH getting way to close to an old girlfriend and this became my obsession for a couple of years. Finally friends started to worry about the amount of weight I was loosing.

I asked myself whether I would put up with his behaviour if he was sober, and the answer was 'of course not'. It took an effort and some self monitoring but I stopped worrying about him and started looking after myself (first step was painting my nails!).

I learnt some meditation techniques which helped me to relax, and this opened up enough space in my head to be able to hear my inner guide. I wrote myself a letter giving the advise that I would give to a well loved friend if they were in my situation. Then I based ALL of my decisions and actions on creating a calm life for myself.

In the midst of the worst times I took a herbal anti depressant called St John's Wort and made myself lots calming cups of camomile and honey tea. I lost far too much weight and finally realised that our health is our first priority.

It has not been easy to focus on my own well being, but to my surprise when I did let go some very good changes started to happen. My self esteem grew (although I still fall flat some days!), my AH ditched the old girlfriend and he is currently three months sober. I did not ask him to make these changes, I simply got out of the madness for a while and started spending time with friends and doing things that i felt good about.

Take care of yourself and sending hugs.

-- Edited by milkwood on Tuesday 21st of August 2012 01:05:20 PM

suebama · Veteran Member

All of these posts were VERY helpful. Many thanks to all of you.

Suebama

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.