The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
My wife just completed a 30 day inpatient treatment program. Before she went in our mariiage was disasterous. Infidelity (multiple times), drunk to the point of blacking out multiple time per week, frighteneing behavior when drinking, multiple attempts at suicide that came via text messages while I was at work (at which I would spend long periods of time trying to talk her back from the ledge or having to run home), and blaming me for her misery and state of unhappyness while she was drunk. All along I was working full time, going to school full time, and my job was becoming highly stressful because my role since my former employer was aquired was never fully defined, so I report to 4 different people.
I have also just (very) recently discovered I might have generalized anxiety disorder (GAD). Self-diagnosed, but I fit the bill pretty closely: unable to sleep, tight chest, unable to concentrate. I have been trying different methods and exercises to manage it with some success.
A little background: My wife was molested at age 6 by her father, date raped multiple times as a teenager (drunk while it happened), and has had two chilrden from two different men when I met her, which impacts her self-image (she mentions it from time-to-time). Her dad's side of the family is REALLY dysfunctional: alcoholics, drug abusers, depression, you name it. Very dark.
Somewhere inside of all that I see a woman who desparately wants (and tries to have) a normal, happy life.
So here are my questions:
Prior to her entering treatment, when things were really bad, I had been pretty successfully detacted from her. I refused to accept responsibility for her condition, felt that I had gone WAY beyond what any reasonable person would be expected to do under the circumstances, and was gaining confidence in myself again (which I had lost over the last couple years). Now that she is out and dry, I feel like I have slipped several notches backward. Is this normal?
I have been a caregiver for so long, is it even possible to become a husband to an (recovering) AW?
She occasionally says, in a joking tone, that I am the only one who could put up with her. I guess I don't know how to interpret this. To be honest, it is kind of insulting when she says it. I may have some self-esteem issues under the circumstances, but being the "best she can do" doesn't sit well with me, if that is what she means. Could be reading too much into it though...
It seems most al-anon is made up of women. Do any of you notice men going to meetings? I am going to go to my first meeting Thursday. It may seem like an odd question, but I think men and women view things slightly different. For instance, my wife and I have not had sex since she left for treatment. That is 41 days (yes, I counted). For me, sex is a big deal. I REALLY like it, lol. I am not sure what to expect from her now and wanted to get the viewpoint of men in similar positions. It becomes even more complicated because of the abuses in her past. While she was drinking the sex was great, but obviously dysfunctional. As much as I liked it, something seemed off-kilter about it, like [cringe] she was my sex slave. I wasn't really comfortable with it at times but did little to stop it. Part of that was because when she would come on to me so aggressively I felt like if I said "no" I would hurt or embarass her. It was very bizzare. Bottom line is I can talk about this on this forum because of anonymity. Don't think I could in a room with woman present...
Finally, does anyone have an idea as to how long someone just out of recovery needs to assimilate? I ask because I really have given almost every last ounce of energy I possibly can to this marriage. I simply don't have much left. It is like running a 26 mile marathon, only to collapse in the last 10 feet. I am afraid I will have invested so much only to end up with a roomate (as I have read others state thier relationships). I don't want a roomate, I want a wife, friend, and partner to walk the rest of this life with.
That is a lot of stuff. Maybe some of these questions will be answered in my al-anon meeting. Guess I just wanted to get some stuff off my chest too :)
Yes there are men in Al-Anon. I have been one of them for over 8 years now. Congrats on your decision to attend a meeting. Go with an open mind and you have a great opportunity to find help.
Talking about those sex issues doesn't necessarily have to be done in the group setting if it makes you uncomfortable. Talking one on one with a male member may be more beneficial to you.
I had sex "issues" with my ex-wife as well when she was drunk.
Anyway, give Al-Anon a chance. It has saved my life and taught me a much better way of living with all the relationships in my life.
Welcome to MIP... David has already given you a lot of great answers in his reply....
Depending on how big a city you live in, there may even be "men only" Al-Anon meetings, as I used to attend an awesome one in Vancouver, BC.
The answer to most of your questions is pretty simple, and a combination of: yes, there IS hope, for you, your wife, and the marriage..... no, there is no "normal" timeframe..... general guideline is that this is a wonderful time for you to dive into YOUR recovery - time to take the focus off of her, and put it onto you.... This allows you to get better & healthy, and also allows her to focus on her own recovery.... Trying to 'mend a relationship' while also trying to learn the skills to stay sober, is a big challenge, to be sure....
My doctor called mine "situational depression", as the circumstances at home had become more than I could handle, and I was literally breaking down. I went on meds (some equivalent to Prozac), and it helped me out for a few months....
Take care, and keep coming back
Tom
__________________
"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
As David & Canadian Guy have said, some one-on-one time with another man in Alanon is needed but I'm going to jump in here with a female's point of view because I think it needs to be said. With the child sexual abuse in this situation, you're wife is burying a lot of pain.
She occasionally says, in a joking tone, that I am the only one who could put up with her. I guess I don't know how to interpret this. To be honest, it is kind of insulting when she says it. I may have some self-esteem issues under the circumstances, but being the "best she can do" doesn't sit well with me, if that is what she means. Could be reading too much into it though...
My early history is pretty much a mirror image of your wife's childhood and yes, it is a very dark place. Please do not take her statement personally - when a woman has been degraded (self-inflicted due to drunkeness) her self-esteem goes in the toilet. And of course, the childhood sexual abuse most always sets us up to tread down that dark path - When in a state of drunkeness, I'd do pretty much anything asked of me -- looking for love in all the wrong places as the song goes. I drank to black-out point in my teen years but switched to drugs in my mid-twenties -- I found that I had more control over my actions when using drugs where alcohol took me down into the gutter creating such shame and humiliation that it is hard to put into words.
I got far enough into the drugs that I started bouncing checks and my husband had to work overtime to cover them - finally the shame of it all rattled my cage enough that I decided to stop the drugs and one day found myself in the liquor store trying to decide what to buy -- I absolutely hate the taste of alcohol but wanted to numb out - realizing what I was doing, I left the liquor store empty handed and went straight to an AA meeting. Within two hrs, I was in rehab.
It was very hard for me to imagine why my husband would even want me - he came from a very religious, upstanding family and I was the daughter of the town drunk. For many years, I treated him like crap. Sex was a real issue, i.e, damn hard to enjoy in a sober state because I always felt so dirty, if that makes sense. After my tour in rehab, I came to realize that he was truely a God-send. Had he not come into my life when he did, I shutter to think where I would have ended up.
Somewhere inside of all that I see a woman who desparately wants (and tries to have) a normal, happy life.
Bless you for recognizing that -- she just doesn't know HOW to get there. She may be out & dry but she nor you, should think that she is cured. She needs to go to AA regularly and should seek some counseling for the childhood abuse.........that is her road to recovery. You can be supportive but it is her path to walk. You have your own path to walk and God willing, the two paths will meet.
I thought I was alone being a man too - but I found help and support here. At one f2f meeting it was all women and I felt a bit uncomfortable with that, but after a few meetings I quite quickly recognised that this disease transcends sex, class, age, background and I was chatting with these women without a thought about that.
I go to a different al-anon meeting where there is a fair proportion of men (probably 30-40%), it's helped a lot.
I know what you mean about sex - but I find it a real turn off when the A in my life has been drinking. It's probably the step of distancing, I won't let that boundary be crossed. I just feel sad most of the time.
My AH tells me occasionally that I am the only one who has put up with him and I have never thought much of it because I have always seen the man behind the disease. My inability to take heed of the obvious for years means that I married an active A and we have two small children now. It has taken me down a difficult road but I still believe he is worth it. Maybe I am naive and this will all end badly one day but time will tell. He is in rehab now and I am trying to rebuild myself as best I can while running my business and looking after a toddler and a preschooler.
Our sex life was a shambles for a long time; most of the time there was no intimacy, it was just sex and I hated it. Unless I had been drinking with him it was a no-go area for me and he would always sulk when nothing happened. Horrible. Your wife has her work cut out for her in coming to terms with her childhood and I wish you both the very best on your journeys.
Thanks everyone. I will be going to my first meeting tomorrow night. I greatly appreciate all your advice! It seems like every attempt to respond to this thread starts me down a road of asking more questions. Instead, I will just go to my first al-anon meeting and see what it is all about.
Again, thank you. I will be back :)
-- Edited by Steveareeno on Wednesday 22nd of August 2012 12:24:51 PM
Just thought I would drop back and give an update. My wife had a relapse already, less than a month out of treatment. My 9-year-old came down stairs before bedtime and asked if mom was drunk again, and when I said "yes", she buried her head in my chest and started to cry. I was absolutely crushed.
At that point I wanted to verbally decimate her, but I withheld as I most often do. I usually (try to) give myself time to cool down so I am rational. I let it sit overnight and the next morning I told her I was upset at what happened (I didn't mention drinking at all) and she acted like she didn't know what I was talking about. I was just dumbfounded at her denial. I also knew she knew she had drank and I don't know what mental gymnastics she did in her head to make her think I didn't know. I was right there all night (duh). I told her what happened with my daughter. She ended up sleeping for hours that day. As I looked at her, I tried to imagine what she was going through, to have relapsed so soon. I actually felt some compassion for her. She had almost seemed over-confident when she came out and this was probably a huge blow.
That said, she is still distant from me. We don't really talk much and I sense she has resentment towards me based on the way she talks to me. Not really sure how to deal with that.
So.... I have come to these conclusions, especially after her relapse:
- she is unable to be completely honest with herself.
- she has made no effort whatsoever to make any amends with anyone. Not even the slightest attempt. I would have thought at some point (sooner rather than later) it would have at least come to her to sit her children down and tell them she was sorry for everything that happened. Not that they are expecting it either, but the selfishness and lack of accountability amazes me. How difficult is it for a mother to talk with a 9 year-old daughter? They are the most forgiving people on the planet. The only thing I can think of is she feels she owes no one an apology or reconciliation.
- she has not taken any responsibility for the damage her drinking has caused, nor, I believe, with this latest relapse. She may have mentioned it to her sponsor but based on past experience I really doubt it.
None of these are easy to do for someone in her condition, I understand; but I also can plainly see that unless she is willing to do these things--at least make SOME effort to begin the process--she will self-destuct. I almost feel she is sabotaging her recovery and our marriage because of her unwillingness to want to face reality. She has been successful at fooling her therapist, the people at AA, and at the treatment place. I met with her therapist and the lady carried on about how well Kelly was doing. Needless to say I thought otherwise but didn't say anything because my wife was there with me and I wasn't sure if I was just completely missing the boat. I think her relapse speaks volumes.
Personally, I think she needs people to hold her accountable, not pity or feel sorry for her, but she has everyone fooled.
I will give her some time to work things out. I am going to rationally speak my mind to her from now on and let her know how her behavior is affecting me. If at some point in the near future she has not made some progress in working towards repairing our marriage, then I will have no choice but to end it. I realize it is double-duty for her, having to work on recovery and her marriage at the same time, but I believe I have poured almost every ounce of energy I have into this whole situation and I reached the limit of my patience and compassion. I know Al-anon talks about being happy in the midst of a situation like this, but there comes a point where I think that I have to look out for my own well-being and happiness. I don't see how that as possible under the status quo.
Finally, and unfortunately, in the long run I just don't see her being able to pull this off unless she has some life-changing epiphany.
-- Edited by Steveareeno on Thursday 6th of September 2012 11:44:39 AM
-- Edited by Steveareeno on Thursday 6th of September 2012 11:45:05 AM
-- Edited by Steveareeno on Thursday 6th of September 2012 11:46:08 AM
-- Edited by Steveareeno on Thursday 6th of September 2012 11:48:42 AM
