The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I understand and hear your pain. Alcoholism is a dreadful disease and is the only illness with a symptom of "Denial of the problem.
I do hope you are attending alanon meetings and have a sponsor. If so I can assure you that YOU will get better. The outcome that you hope for may not happen, however you will be using new tools to live by and will understand how to live with courage, serenity and wisdom
Keep coming back You are worth it.
-- Edited by hotrod on Sunday 19th of August 2012 07:35:02 PM
I want to ask you what you meant by "sticking to your side of the road and it will be ok in the end."
Do you mean that if you stick to the tools of Alanon in the end you and the alcoholic will be together and everything will be ok?
Dont know how long you have been in Alanon. I have been doing this program along with meditation for 27 years. I was married 26 years and have known the A for 30 years. I never thought I would ever part from my Xhusband,I didnt even like to hear of people on the board saying X husband.
This was my priority when I first came to Alanon to keep the marriage together and for him to be sober and that would make me happy. I would have given everything I had to anyone who had the power to make him stop drinking. I knew I didtnt, but I kept up my nagging behavior, the lectures, the threats until I thought I was going to turn a new color.
Nothing changed until I started letting go , of preconceived ideas, of what I thought he should be, do. I know I had too if I wanted to be a sane woman, instead of this angry person I had become. All stuffed up inside. I let go and turned it all over to my HP and until we do that completely our life will always be unmanageable. This recovery process is about US and not them. We have to stop thinking that if Im good and I keep my mouth quiet and follow the program , I will be rewarded with keeping my marriage in tact.
We have to go for broke, letting go and really letting go. Everyone's story is the same, but the result could be different.
And who knows, your husband may go to recovery and AA, but it still doesnt happen overnite. He wont go or not go because of you or anything you did. So why not really committ to taking this path of Alanon, really turning it over to your HP, really letting go and letting your God ......
Nothing bad will happen if were not controlling every moment. You will see.
Hugs, Bettina
-- Edited by Bettina on Sunday 19th of August 2012 11:09:11 PM
-- Edited by Bettina on Sunday 19th of August 2012 11:10:52 PM
-- Edited by Bettina on Sunday 19th of August 2012 11:14:31 PM
I've posted before and I've been to a few F2F meetings. I'm trying to use the tools I'm learning but it seems that things are getting worse vs better. I used to try and control when he drinks and how much. I used to threaten to leave if he came home drinking but I never did, at least not for long. It seemed that after he was sober and we would talk, things would be calm for awhile. Now that I've stepped back and told him it's his choice but it's my choice to take the kids and leave for the night if he is acting out, things are getting worse. He's not coming home falling down drunk but drunk enough that his voice changes and his eyes are bloodshot. He's not acting out toward me like he used to and he's not bringing it into the house, but it has went from an occasional issue to an everyday issue. I just don't know what to do. It seems now that he "freedom to choose" that's all he wants to do. He knows that I'm not going to leave him but I'm miserable. I've lost my peace a few times and went off on him and how it's unacceptable and he's a drunk, etc. I just can't stand to look at him at this point, or the way he smells and sounds. I have pure hatred for him once he has been drinking. I almos feel like it's not a disease but it's just that he is a selfish miserable person. He has admitted in the past he has a problem, this after a horrible drunk night or getting in trouble, but he tells me he doesn't now but he's working on cutting back (which went from the weekends to whenever he is off work). I've sat home all day today waiting for him to come home, I didnt' call but when he finally called me I knew he was drunk. I've been miserable since that phone call. Does it get better or is it going to get worse before it gets better. He won't go back to AA, the only reason he went before was because his job required it. He now has a different job and they have no idea about his problem. I guess I'm looking for someone to tell me that if I stick to my side of the road it will be ok in the end, that it may be tough now but it will get better, but currently it only seems to be getting worse.
I'm so sorry you're going through this. The short answer is that unless he chooses of his own free will to go into a recovery program and works hard to stick with it, his alcoholism will not get better. But your life can get better whether or not he chooses sobriety. That used to seem impossible to me, but I have seen it happen in my own life and many others'. For that to happen, the tools of Al-Anon are invaluable. I'm glad you've been to some meetings. Reading the materials and the threads on these boards are also life-savers. And looking for a sponsor. It didn't get this bad overnight and it doesn't get better overnight, but using the tools of Al-Anon slowly and surely will make things better, and in a year from now you'll hardly recognize yourself, you'll be so much lighter and happier. Anyway that was my experience. Hang in there.
I can tell you try and refrain from name calling. I did this. Every time he would drink he would start in on me to divert the attention from himself and I would get so mad and disgusted and I called him a drunk and other names too. Calling him an Alcoholic seemed to even be worse. He has said some of the most disgusting things to me and after it all will still tell me about me calling him a drunk and an alcoholic which he clearly is. They resent you for it and if you stay your likely to hear about it for years. I guess if you look at it like a disease - would you call someone names for being a diabetic or having some other disease? I never thought of that at the time, because I was being verbally attacked and had enough and really seen it as a moral issue not a disease.
I feel the same way sometimes, Hope. I think that all of a sudden I feel worse when I thought I would feel better. I think some of it is the fact that I am pulling away from controlling and obsessing so it feels like something is missing. Also, when you set a boundary you have to expect a reaction from them. They don't like it when we start doing things for ourselves and stop feeding their disease. It's OK, we've all been there and you will be OK in the end. Hold onto your Higher Power, hug your kids, and take care of you.
When in the past I have let go of my ABF things have normally gotten worse before they get better. I try not to watch, I prtect me. My abf has been in and out of AA this is his recovery todat I try to work on me but sometimes i slip too!!
My alcohlic has just been through about 6 months of madness. I sent him away and tried to get on with my life. he went to jums she god fed up and put him out.
He was on streets drinking, drugging terrible. I stayed steped back ( it was so so hard).
He went down down down. Now he is on the verge of goig back to recovery he has had enough because I am not fixing anymore.
I once heard a share that really hit me.
A lady said everynight her husband got drunk and fell down on the bedroom floor she would pick him up put him in bed and this would happen every night. Al anon suggested she cover him with a blanket and leae him there.
After a week or so he came to her and sai my drinking is getting bad I keep waking up o the floor. He went to the doctors for help and is still sober today. I trying to help and fixing she had prevented him from going down the path he needed to to stop. Your partner may get a lot wosre but that must be where he needs to go to want to stop.
Plaese keep going to your meetings and coming on here I have learbt so much and no matter wht is going on with my A I am feeling better and better and I can see such a difference in my children.
Thank you all for the input and advice. I know I'm only responsible for my actions. I just love him so much and I love the man he is when he is sober...I wanted to fix me and inturn fix him....i wanted to be one of the happy stories I've read about on here. Upate from yesterday....I had gotten a phone call from one of the friends he had been with all day. They've never seen his ugly drunk side until last night. They called me out of concern for me and the kids and to warn me how he was acting (like I was surprised) . They don't know our history so there was no other reason to call other than concern and alarm for what they were seeing. That gave me enough time to get me and the kids out of house. I did text him to remind him of my boundary. The kids and I were safe but my 12yr old was sick with worry when dad didnt answer. He was terrified. Something bad happened to his dad....4am the kids and I are back home in order to get ready for school and work. He of course is sleeping peacefully while the kids and I tossed and turned all night. I find out that he has met a women recently and asked her to send him pics and other in appropriate texts......they were sent the night before while he was drunk....needless to say, ive asked him to leave. In his sober state today he says it wasn't what it looks like. I guess I was hoping to save our marriage by fixing me. It doesn't look like its going to work. Strange thing is I cried more from reading the above replies and concerns from complete strangers. I have not shed one tear today over him and our situation...,that has to be help from my HP...normally I would be a bkubbering mess. Thank you all....the positive thoughts and prayers must be working.
