Questioning how Alanon works/helps for the person not in the relationship any longer - Al-Anon Family Group

JJ21 · Veteran Member

Questioning how Alanon works/helps for the person not in the relationship any longer

Bettina · ~*Service Worker*~

Good question...
I havent been with the alcoholic for 5 years. The Alcoholic is what brought me to Alanon, but I find Alanon wasnt just about the Alcoholic. Alanon was about me. We dont get off scott free, we had a part in all of it. Been in Alanon 27 years.

Just because you shed the alcoholic doesnt mean you shed all the effects the disease has brought. Im sure that we have all brought our own stuff into the relationship which had nothing to do with the alcoholic. So your saying the alcoholic was completely flawed and had no redeeming qualities, while you had no flaws.

Wow, then I guess you dont need to go anymore.

Best to you, Bettina

-- Edited by Bettina on Sunday 19th of August 2012 01:05:07 AM

JJ21 · Veteran Member

I didn't say I didn't have a part in it. It's exactly why I went, so that I can identify it and not repeat it. I am asking how you learn to identify those effects in a meeting where you might feel the topic was off for you. Their pain in dealing with a child was way worse than mine and I felt like a victim seeking help compared to them. I guess some things don't come across well n text. The A did and does have redeeming qualities but he is also drunk which I did not cause and do not have to live with regardless.

-- Edited by JJ21 on Sunday 19th of August 2012 01:43:18 AM

-- Edited by JJ21 on Sunday 19th of August 2012 02:12:07 AM

Jerry F · ~*Service Worker*~

Aloha JJ...Two meetings are just not near enough time to get a look at the program and the process of recovery. If I could have thought my way out of the problem with the same brain I got into it with I would never had use of Al-Anon. The "My part in it" wasn't and isn't a crash course on self focus. So much of my part in it was below the thinking stage and well within the subconscious and it lingers still today without the profound effects of the past because of the Al-Anon program. For me recovery is "re-programming" my conscious/unconscious self with many more alternatives to choice making and living than I had when living in the disease. My I couldn't pin everything that was insane on the alcoholic/addict who I was married to at the time I was led into the rooms of Al-Anon. I had to learn how to ask myself the question "Why do I do what I do and why do I do it that way"? I chose to marry an alcoholic/addict before I knew what alcoholism was and still was choosing at that time to end the realtionship with her....Why did I do what I did and why did I do it that way? I found lots of risk taking behaviors in myself along with lots of determination, power and control along with manipulation for the purpose of getting what I wanted once I decided to get what I wanted. Take the alcoholics and addicts out of my life I'm still left with the personality and behaviors. Al-Anon and the steps are about (partially) self reflection, bringing forward and outward what needs to be changed, using support rather than self alone to learn, adapt with and practice new behaviors and then passing on what works to others who come up behind us. A great deal of success is had when the member can adopt an attitude of surrender and reliance upon some power greater than themselves truthfully because self reliance is part of the problem.

What worked for me when I first got into Al-Anon was following the suggestion of doing 90 meetings in 90 days. Where I got into program there were 439 meetings a month in both AA and Al-Anon. I'm grateful because I got in 102 meetings and learned way more than what I would under the current suggestion of doing only six before making a decision. Discovery alone about how I was connected to the disease became most important because I was practiced in getting into dysfunctional relationships with addicted people/women and God knows there are way more than just a handful of them out there all dressed nice and acting sane for the moment.

I'm no longer in a relationship with an alcoholic or alcoholic/addict and it's never been an either or condition for me. I've never met or been a perfect partner at anytime.

I also love the slogans. When in doubt...don't; is at the top of my list just under "DON'T REACT".

(((((hugs)))))) smile

hotrod · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi J

I do understand your concern and know the feelings of not believing that I belong. So does Alanon-

-- that is why, the opening states "we are a fellowship of equals.

We are asked to:" Identify and not Compare". That is because the feelings generated by living with the disease of alcoholism are the same. Anger, resentment, self pity ,fear, loss of self esteem, isolation and feeling terminally unique to name a few. Another slogan to remember is "Compare and Despair" Alanon tools and meetings work for everyone who has lived or lives with the problem of alcoholism

Beginner meetings ,where the tools are discussed , Slogan meetings where the slogans are powerful topics works best for me. The meetings work, the tools work Sharing our pain works.

Keep coming back You are worth it.

willowtree · Veteran Member

I have been in alanon a year now and I have went through many different feelings about it. I am not around any active drinkers right now but I am around some recovering ones and I am also around "ME" 24/7 - and I ended up learning in the program that this program is about me. I learned that I have a lot of old behaviors that aren't serving me anymore. I too, went through the "Compare and Despair" Alanon has really brought out some ugly judgments I had inside of me. I never thought I fit into alanon and that I was "different" than them I was almost "better" than them in a sense. Now I know that that was my own ego trying to protect me. I have learned that we are all equal in the program and I love my alanon family so much (I call them my best family). I love seeing when newcomers come in and I can see how far I have grown and I can also be there to support them like so many others came along side and supported me. Yes, we all have different struggles and situations but alanon can help each one of us heal and be better people. I can remember wanting to quit a few months in for really little things. It was a way to keep myself "safe" that was how I had always kept myself safe was to find a way to say "I am different that these people" that usually got me out of it. Now in alanon, I see that I am safe wherever I am at because I now know the real "me" and how to take care of me. I am going to keep coming back because Alanon works and has changed my life for the better.

Wishing you all the best on the journey. Keep coming back - it works.

AStrongerMe · ~*Service Worker*~

For me I'm still learning and working on it (though my qualifier is not in my life right now) because it brought to light the things in me I need to work on. Some day when I've done a lot of al anon work I might transition to something else. I like to have a wide variety of self introspection and not be tied to one ideal. I started my work in therapy working on codependency. I've transitioned to al anon and find all of it compliments and accentuates the therapy I'm doing. I will probably further transition to PTSD as over time I've found that I have all the symptoms of it and it was a rather shocking find (stems from seeing my kids abused by their dad and trying to intervene or stop it but not having the power). Because I still harbor a reaction to my exH over it. I still hold hate for him that I can't seem to shake even knowing it is harming me, not him. And the steps have helped a little to uncover it, but it's a deep rooted thing I need to shake loose and I think it will take more than the steps to do it. So for me I'll never be "done" working on me, but I may find myself moving to something else later. For now, the steps and al anon are giving me a lot to work with even with exBF out of the picture.

glad lee · ~*Service Worker*~

I relate, my brain likes to compare too. My brain (which is where my dis-ease lives) likes to separate and isolate me because my ego/brain/disease cannot continue when I get with recovery, my ego is deflated. So when my disease tells me I'm too different, or too special for this group, I have a problem.

I once attended a meeting with only 3 elderly men. The meeting started, and soon after, I started thinking this was a complete curse as one man put his head on the table and began snoring loudly. While running with my thoughts, I was gradually becoming more and more angry with God and considered the idea of walking out. I did happen to catch myself, I recognized my life was feeling unmanageable. So I decided to just close my eyes and pray. I asked God to help me. Anyone who has done this will completely understand what ultimately happened.......... I had heard EXACTLY what I needed to hear at that meeting and I left with a heart full of gratitude and peace, I had been transformed. Al-anon taught me to be willing, right where I'm at, let God have Gods way, to stop trying to manage my own life.

My sponsor once told me, "You're special all right, sweetie. Special like the rest of us." hahaha!

At nearly every meeting I've been to, people always talk about their relationship with Higher power That is the solution right there, that is the gift of fellowship, doing it together, it's a "we" program.

((hugs))

JJ21 · Veteran Member

I think Reacting vs. Responding is my biggest issue and not being able to say no. My mother was a hot head and my brother had add with behavior issues and they were always screaming and throwing things so when my husband started this I was like here we go again... He would get me to engage him in the beginning because he was so nasty, but I learned not to because if I did he would start breaking everything. Growing up in a loud Italian neighborhood in the city doesn't help either where everyone run's their mouth off the cuff.

The people in the meeting were very genuine and I did not feel better than them, I just felt like i was intruding and there was one other new person there and afterward a lady came up to us both and said that we should try different meetings and find a home group. I think this particular meeting which is suppose to be a speaker's meeting, except they didn't have a speaker set up was an extra meeting for all of them and that they had home groups elsewhere. I will go again tonight and I found a Coda meeting I want to try on Wed.

Thanks for all the great input. I need to get to the place where it is about me and not the ex. I don't want to spend my life taking about him.

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.