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Im new to this! Finally had a break down this year. My husband drinks every day 3 or 4 drinks of which I see. His job is as a head brewer for an ale company. He as only had this job for about 6 months. I questioned why he would come home with the smell of alcahol on his breath. He said he has to check the brew in progress. He no longer gives me a kiss when he gets home from work. Recently his been coming home with glazed eyes his hygiene has also slipped. I have to tell home that he must shower!
A few years ago he threw a laptop at a wall because I had annoyed him! I only asked him what he wanted for dinner! Fortunately he has not done this again. I did threaten that if he did anything like that again I would throw it back at him! We have had many discussions about his drinking and how it is affecting our marriage he doesn't seem to think he has a problem! He even told me that maybe I should leave as he feels he can't be the man or person I need. I only asked him to cut back and not go to the pub every night. Yes I wold meet him there maybe that's where I went wrong maybe I should have just gone straight home after work and sat at home on my own until he decided to come home! I guess I stick by him because I wanted our marriage to work!
He no longer takes an interest in anything I do. He doesn't want to do anything which does not have access to alcahol or anything which is not pub related. I can not continue to surround my life with people who are only interested in drinking.
I let this happen to me over the years and at the beginning of this year I sat back and thought to myself I don't know who I am any more. I seem to have disappeared into the back ground of my husbands habit.
He tries to get me to go to the pub and to drink but I have been put off this now. I can't even stand the smell of alcahol any more. I have been very open with him about my feelings and my concerns but there has been no change. He has just become less loving and cold. So I have stopped trying to be affectionate and loving as it just seemed he just takes from our relationship and doesn't give back. He has even stopped helping around the house. I have to tell him and constantly give him instructions on what needs doing. I am not his mother!
Just needed to get it off my chest
Not sure what will happen to our marriage but it scares me to think I may be with this man for the rest of my life unless intake matters into my own hands. Which is to leave. He obviously loves alcahol more than me.
You have come to the right place. Try some Alanon for awhile and see how it goes.
This program is a lifesaver . Its for you and you only. You cannot change your A husband, but you sure can change your reactions and put in place the tools of the program.
Given a choice the alcoholic will always choose drink before and above anything else. Even though he wont admit it.
We have all walked in your shoes. We know what your going thru.But you dont have to suffer in the midst of all the craziness.
Try and see if there is a face to face alanon meeting near your home and run dont walk to the next meeting. You wont be sorry. You just have to give it a chance, it doesnt change overnite, but it will change. When your husband see's that your doing something for yourself and its not about him. This is for you.
Keep coming back, because it works if you work it. Hugs, Bettina
His job does require him to taste the beer but not sure how many times. But ikeep thinking to myself he could sip it out like any normal person would.
When I question why he tells me when he brewers he has to taste it. He dosnt brewr every day! But comes home smelling of it. He keeps telling me it's on his clothes but I can smell it on his breath. It's a very distinctive smell! Alcahol on the breath is obvious! I hope that someone at work says something.
I haven't joined any al Anon group yet face to face. We have just moved....well 2 years ago at the end of the month to the countryside and every one knows each other and I'm not a keen driver so im stuck to a small driving distance! Maybe I should work on this!!
He has always been a drinker though so it's not the job. Sometimes when I used to get back from work at 6.30 pm he was already drunk and in the pub. I used to spend my day and my journey home worrying about how drunk he would be. I used to call him when I go off the train not to find out where he was but to find out how drunk.
I wonder how much of a nightmare it is for an alcaholic to now have a wife that works from home!!! Tough luck!!
I spoke to his parents about his issues. They always said to come and speak to them.....I spoke to them this year about the way he treats me and that I think there is a problem. I got told that the issues are between us and that I should go and seek help from someone else! I haven't seen much of them since our "little conversation"
So much for family support. My parents want me to come back home. I do like living where I am tough and have made myself a nice group of friends and I have taken a few new hobbies since deciding that I cannot just do what my husband oes whic is work and drink only.......I tried to engage him in some new activities but instead he said he had been there and done that. So I no longer give him the time of day......it's very hard to do that as I feel like I've stopped trying but I think that I have tried and given too much over the last 6 years of our marriage. All he has done is taken from me!
I felt the same way. My ex A only wants drinking activities too. I got fed up and left because after a few year "dry" spell he was sneaking around drinking and being very verbally abusive which was my fault according to him because I made him sneak. You're blamed either way. I could have gone to Alanon before I left and looked for advice or learned ways to maybe change the situation, but we had moved six hours a way from family and I was alone there and had it and just wanted to go home. They say give it a few months in alanon, learning and eductating yourself before you make any major decisions about leaving. We had already lived there once a few years back and he got a DUI and I was stranded with no family or friends and him in jail. We agreed that if he started drinking again that I would not stay that I was too afraid to go thru that alone again so I just left. He did try and get me back with a beer in his hand and drinking heavier than ever with the stipulation that he gets to drink and then decided that I wouldn't be able to handle his drinking so just forget it. Can't figure out someone like that. You can't control his drinking, but you can try to take care of yourself and get the right help to make the right choices for you.
Are you happier now then you were when you were with him? I
Know it sounds like a stupid question but did you feel like you tried everything possible to keep things together but it didn't work. I feel like a failure at the moment. I never imagined my marriage ending or feeling like its ending. I can't live life as he wants he doesn't even eat properly. Food is not his top priority. At the moment he is a sleep on the sofa at 2.00pm in the afternoon because he got in at 3.30am last night. He tried to get me to meet him in the pub by saying that everyone hasn't seen me for ages and they would like to see me! He didnt phone me he phoned a friend i was with. I don't think he felt guilty for being out I think he probably was worried what people might think out on his own again.
The reason why I refuse to go out with him is because when he drinks while we are out he ignores me. I walked past him one time at a wedding and he avoided eye contact with and just walked past me. I went to bed that night feeling very alone and hating myself he stayed up drinking with his friend.
Do you still speak to him? Has he changed in any way?
I don't know that I'm happier right now because of the economy and being laid off I had to leave and lose all of my things and stay with my mother who is a peace of work herself. If I had my own place and belongings I'm sure I would be. I used to fantasize about being in my own place again for the last two years we were together. I do feel a sense of relief that I'm not on guard and watching everything I say always trying avoid a fight or listening to him complain about everything all the time. Try reading Getting them Sober and some meetings and materials on setting boundaries or see a counselor and see where it goes. I did not drink with him or go to bars with him because then he would throw that in my face and when we tried cutting back and him just having a few it always escalated into DUI's coming home from the bar. There are many women who can learn to live with them and ignore their drinking, but I guess I was not one of them.
I hope you find your happiness soon. Your dream of having your own place and new things can appen. I think you probably made the hardest decision ever. The hard part is over now it's time to concentrate on what you want.
I don't think I want to be a women who lives with a drunk either. He seems to think he doesn't have a problem. Im mentally packing my things when iam brave enough to make the move I don't know.
Did you find his sober personality difficult to deal with?
He was much better sober and when he wanted to be sober but he still had some issues. He was ADHD and had no patience but for the most part handled it when he was really sober. I noticed the mood changes and the tantrums when he was sneak drinking. He used to wig out when I went in the garage for things that I would mess it up. When he got a DUI and went to jail I found empties every where in the garage, shed and trunk of his car. He was defensive and would pout when we went anywhere and wanted to make sure I would have a lousy time because he wasn't drinking. Sometimes they have anxiety, add and other issues beside the alcohol that need to be addressed. My ex A was raised by violent drunks and never had any coping skills. He never attended AA - he was a dry drunk and now is heavily back on the bottle. It's up to you decide if what you get when they are sober is worth sticking it out for, but you have to be in a healthy place to do that.
