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My A wont respond to me, and I know he's with his friend who influences him to drink the most... I know there's nothing to do I just need someone to talk to....
Howdy. This would be in the realm of powerless over his drinking, his choices in friends, powerless over him in general. What can you do that is going ot occupy your mind and your time in the best way right now? Coming here was good. A face to face meeting would be even better. There are probably other things too that will help you enjoy your day, your time, your life, regardless of what he does.
I appreciate the advice, go to a meeting, all of that. I understand why you're saying it, and I know I'm powerless, but I'm drowning in anxiety and I just need someone to talk to in this moment... am I asking too much?
First of all take a deep breath. Then another one. I get that you're anxious and worried. But what good is that doing you? Is there something you can do to take your mind off this situation right now? A friend you could call or visit, a good book to read, maybe take a walk somewhere you enjoy? When I'm consumed with negative thoughts I focus on something good, something that I want to do for me-that usually means working in my garden (pulling weeds always helps me get out my frustrations) or playing with or walking my dogs. It doesn't change the situation but it helps me to deal with it.
I think it's great you came here to talk to someone, maybe to get your mind off it? Is there anything today you needed to tend to, or accomplish that may be being ignored right now? Something you can tell yourself to go focus on because today must continue? I know I have to be very careful with my "what if" and "I know" thinking. I have to remind myself not to predict the future even if I do end up right about it, it doesn't help me to assume and worry.
Easy to say I know. I have a hard time just as well doing all those things I recommended, but I do kick myself to do it anyway even when I don't feel like it.
I've been trying to throw myself into my work but it's not helping anymore, the anxiety is becoming overpowering. I can't go anywhere without taking the bus and the bus system is screwed up on saturdays, and I don't have any friends I can visit, they're all busy all the time...
Plus I can't tell any of them why I'm upset, they'll just tell me to leave him, and it's not that simple.... I need someone I can talk to who will understand.
Put on some music. Take a bath. Go for a long walk. Do you have a sponsor? Call the sponsor. Get some coffee within walking distance. Throw off the "I can'ts" and find one "I can" and go with it. The anxiety is causing the immobility. Break out of it anyway you can possibly find. I know how that feels. One thing I do is to write. Write it out - stream of consciousness, just unload in type or with pencil. Nothing you will keep or do anything with other than probably burn it.
No I don't have a sponsor... Even if I liked coffee, I don't have any money whatsoever so I can't go get coffee anywhere. The only thing I have is my work, and I'm starting to associate this negative feeling with it and I don't want to do that. I don't want to remember feeling this way whenever I look at this project. Writing it all down will just make it worse, I've tried that.
I know he's not answering me because he gets so annoyed with me worrying about him... I don't know how to not worry
It's never that simple to end a relationship that has lasted any substantial length of time. I've had 4 relationships that lasted multiple years. Each time it was gutwrenching to go through the contemplation, the questioning, the misery, and the anxiety of things not working out. I'm not saying that is what will happen here, but I do understand. You really think something is meant to be and you lay your heart out there and then the other person just smashes it. It's awful....whether the other person means to do it or not...whether they are an alcoholic or not. That is something we can all relate to. You are not alone.
I don't know if it will help you at all but when I used to tell myself I couldn't make it on my own - that made the anxiety worse. That added to feeling trapped and helpless. The relationship I am currently is great. I love the other person. It seems healthy. However, I guess part of that is cuz I know if I have to, I could be fine on my own. Enough relationships gone bad after several years to know that it wont end my life. It seems like a paradox but knowing you will be okay no matter what makes for a better you and a better relationship.
I do know that's easier said than done. I am sorry this is happening to you. I'm sure it doesn't help that not only is drinking an issue but it's a female friend too. Getting your boundaries crossed in many ways at once is legitimately anxiety provoking. Praying you get some serenity back. Hang in there.
I know he's not gonna cheat. That's one thing I know for sure. I just wish he'd answer me to let me know he's alright. He just found out his cousin was hospitalized due to alcohol use and it scared him, and I thought it made him understand why it scares me so much. I just want a simple text, even just "I'm ok".
I don't like how so many people can say "Just leave him" so easily. If I was getting physically harmed or had kids I could understand, but neither of those, and I strongly feel that this can still work. I just need to be able to talk to people who understand what I'm going through...
Hey, no one here is telling you to leave him. Yes, it's easy for other people to say that, but it's not their life is it? We do understand what you're going through. I've truly been where you are. I used to have sleepless nights when my A would go out on his own, not call me or answer my calls. I spent a lot of time worrying and working myself up. All that did was make me feel even worse. I spent a lot of time here on this board. That helped. I spent a lot of time talking to my HP. That helped too. Over time I realized that my A was going to do what he was going to do, and all my worry and anxiety couldn't change that one bit. I don't know your beliefs but maybe a conversation with your Higher Power might be a good thing right now. Or say the Serenity Prayer- ¨God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; courage to change the things I can; and the wisdom to know the difference.¨
Aloha Falling Down and good to have you here. This reminds me when I was in your shoes and the fear was screaming in my head with all of the confusion and my alcoholic/addict wife was leaving it all up to me to form the pictures of what the hell was going on. I hated that; it was soooo painful and insane. I called all over...family, friends, police, hospital, help in emotional trouble, suicide prevention center and more and still all I wanted was for her to call and tell me...didn't ever happen and I learned later on that it wasn't my wife that was dragging me thru all of the fear, anxiety, anger, rage and so on but my alcoholic/addict. What she was doing was what alcoholic/addicts do normal. I needed someone to talk to also and got led to calling the Al-Anon hotline number in my town and getting a real live person to talk to who knew exactly what I was going thru. I was even more afraid of doing that for myself because the alcoholic was going to find out and raise hell about it. Damned if I did and Damned if I didn't however I'm glad I made that call and I am beyond grateful for how it has turned out in my life. Go to the white pages of your local telephone book and call the Al-Anon hotline and see if you can raise a live person to talk to. Keep coming back here. (((Hugs)))
Hi my heart goes out to you it is the hardest thing to feel so helpless but one thing I'm learning the alcoholic doesn't think of us first like we do them. Unfortunately they are not capable we can only reach out to each other and I just ask my higher power to take it for awhile so I can breathe . I totally panic and freeze the same way and it's a horrible feeling deep inside. I'll be thinking of you
I cant count how many times I called the Alanon hot line, also at the Alanon meetings they would have us all jot down our Tele#, so we could call anyone at anytime.
Just hearing the calm voices of the people of Alanon calmed me down when my XA didnt come home for days. It was insanity. Here he would call me every day on his break for years, yet when he would go on a binge, he never called. I use to think the worst thing he could do was cheat. Thats all I obsessed on, when I finally realized that is was my denial of his disease. I thought It would end if he cheated, but I never once considered just putting him out of the house because he was a drunk.
Please take Jerry's suggestion to talk to a live person at Alanon, it will help.
I was finally calm, but his stupid friend decided it'd be so hilarious to post a picture of him passed out with stuff written on his face on facebook. SO funny. I hid it from my newsfeed but ugh... just brought all the anxiety back. I'm staying off facebook for now but ughhhh :/
Ugh. So sorry you have had to experience this fallingdown. I too, suffered through the whole turning OFF the cell phone and not responding to texts thing while my (now recovering) was in active mode. It sucks. It hurts. What helped me was getting into Alanon and finding a group that I loved. I tried tons of different meetings and found one that seemed to work best for me. Alanon really helps you focus on yourself and to also understand you didn't cause this, can't cure this and can't control this type of behavior. Yes, it is frustrating and anxiety filled. What I had to learn to do was reach out (which is awesome you did that by posting here) and also learning alcoholic behavior. What he did or does to you when he does this sort of thing is very emotionally immature, manipulative and does not honor you as a person. So, it's really important to take care of yourself and be gentle on yourself. Again, I am sorry this happened to you - I know the feeling WAY TOO WELL.
He more than likely doesn't know or didn't feel a thing about last night...You did though and that is what the program will change. He chose to drink and you chose to feel bad about it and hurt for it...Didn't make sense to me either. Hello Al-Anon. (((((hugs)))))
Sorry you had to experience that. What helped me during those anxious times of the "unknown", I began to assume my AH would always be drinking and coming home drunk. I tried to go on with my routine...this helped me alleviate some disappointment. So far my new experience with this site and a meeting (one so far), have helped me tremendously. I look forward to utilizing Al-Anon.
