The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
This is my first time on this board and I will be attending my first Al-Anon meeting next week. The roller coaster of the last 5 years has reached new heights when it comes to my parents, especially my mother.
Both my parents are alcoholics, but my dad stopped drinking 12 years ago and has been sober and committed to AA ever since and I am so proud of him. He is also the type of person that can quite anything cold turkey so I am not saying AA was easy for him, but when he committed to it, his dedication never faltered. At the same time my mother tried AA meetings but she never thought she had a drinking problem and if she did, then she blamed it on my dad. After a year of trying to get her to stop drinking they sent her to a rehab place where she had a lot of time to work on healing and for the next 7 years she was sober mostly, with 1-2 relapses.
About 5 years ago a lot of that changed, it could be longer than 5 years but I think that is when she really started drinking again. My mother has always been addidcted to pills because of her back problems but around the same time is when she started to really abuse her pain medication. I could say that a lot of this had to do with my parents losing a lot of their money and I know my mom always focused on the fact they were well off and thrived on it, but I don't know if I will ever know the real reasons behind her beginning to drink again.
THe first time I ever really found out about how much she was drinking again was when I was in the hospital for the first time because I had lost a lot of blood due to an ulcer with my Crohns disease, and my dad came to be with me but got a phone call saying he had to go home because my mom was passed out in the garage.
After that it seemed like it was a lot more common and known about. She either took too many pills or drank and drank and drank. Mom mom said she wanted to stop and tried AA but never worked it, so she wanted to go to rehab, they cashed in their retirement and spent the last of the money on Rehab, and within 3 weeks of getting out had her first drink.
During all this time my dad who is utterly devoted to my mom tried everything he could to help her stop, he can't understand why she can't stop if he could. He talks to me a lot about it.
Last year I got married and I told her my biggest fear was her drinking at the wedding, she committed to me she wouldn't, and she didn't, but she did a lot of other times. Now I am pregnant with my first child and my mother has always loved babys so is so excited. I told her I could never have her around the baby if she continues to drink, but she does and lies about it.
My dad has just told me he wants to leave my mom, I don't blame him, I want to support him, but at the same time i am trying to establish my marriage and become a parent, and he tries to put a lot of pressure on my to check on my mom and see how she is doing. I think we both just hope she will begin to help herself.
Last weekend my dad needed to get away for the day so went to the movie, leaving my mom at home. After the movie he got a phone call from the hospital asking where my mother was. It turns out she felt sick at home after mowing, called the ambulance, went to the hospital, then jumped in a cab and left. My dad went home to find my mom passed out on the floor after she picked up some liquor on the way home and took some morphine with it. Neither of us have much confidence in things changing.
My mother used to be an amazing woman, she loved herself and her family, she was strong and fierce and fiery and had spirit. I think my hardest struggle with detachment is I still see glimpses of that woman and so I always have hope that she could still come back and I don't want to give up on that hope. But how do I still hope without the hurt and pain and stress of coping with her addictions?
Thank you for letting me tell my story, hopefully I will find strength and guidance at Al - Anon
Aloha Cassie and welcome to the board...you still have the picture of your Mom as she was...hold on to it in hope. "My mother used to be an amazing woman, she loved herself and her family, she was strong and fierce and fiery and had spirit." That's nice even with what is missing...and she's addicted. Addicted changes everything from time to time...it covers up the good stuff and hide some more. Have a great entry into Al-Anon and see if Dad would like a seat also. He might want to learn what we have learned, those of us who are or have been married to our alcoholic/addicts. Al-Anon saves lives even while the fatal disease of addiction moves toward taking them. You and your family are in my prayers. In love and support. (((((Hugs)))))
Welcome Cassie.... thanks for sharing your story, and I echo what the others have already told you - Al-Anon can definitely be a wonderful help, for both yourself and your dad.
Take care
Tom
__________________
"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
Glad you are here. Al anon can be a great help. I think it must be very very difficult to be undergoing so much change for yourself as well as dealing with a parent who is in meltdown.
I would recommend the book Getting them Sober. I think its a great pointer for what to expect and how and what to do.
I would also highly recommend getting into al anon. Go to meetings. There are 2 a day online here if you can't get to a physical meeting.
Getting a sponsor is also a big help. I resisted that for years but having a sponsor is a great way to consult on what is practical and what isn't. Some of us who live around alcoholics are exhausted from the constant challenges.
Glad you are here.
Remember the three C's you didn't cause it, can't cure it and can't control it.
