My Blood Is Boiling - Al-Anon Family Group

WornOutMrsFixIt · Senior Member

My Blood Is Boiling

Jennifer · ~*Service Worker*~

((MrsFixIt))

I hear you. I have been in such similar shoes and all I can say is ...

Find the best ways to protect yourself from his financial decisions. No matter what the outcome of your relationship maintaining your credit standing as much as possible makes life easier later.

It gets better. Takes time but it gets better. Lots better.

Be angry, seeth if needed, but let it go when you are able to. Life is so much nicer not carrying that load around for a long time. Asking your HP to remove the anger and allow you to see the disease instead does work. Sometimes I would lose count of how many times i said the Serenity Prayer in a row.

My thoughts and wishes are with you right now.
Jen

nmike · ~*Service Worker*~

I do understand. My AHSober left after over 30 years of marriage. Wants a divorce, never loved, etc. He totally cut me off. He hasn't filed the divorce papers. He is 65 years old and is acting like a 20 year old. Makes you mad. So I go to meetings. There are several of us women who have left, thinking of leaving, or like me, got dumped. We are all finding a way to make the break from the insanity and start a new life.

Nancy

Too hard · Senior Member

I can remember this anger about financial problems.

Sometimes it almost seems too hard.

It is OK to be very angry but use that energy to protect yourself as much as you are able.

You need to get some advice.....Domestic Violence crisis lines or Legal will be able to advise.

I'm sure you will get lots of advice from this board.

Take one day at a time.

Every Good wish. T.H.

rehprof · ~*Service Worker*~

it has taken me a couple of years to sort out the financial entanglements from being married to an A for 28 years. When I was in the thick of it, if I looked at the whole picture I would quickly get overwhelmed, angry, resentful, etc. Some days I would just shut down and stare at a spot on the wall....I just felt like I'd never get through it.

"Progress not perfection" helped me so much...I just kept saying...this mess wasn't made in a day, it won't get fixed in a day...and each financial separation and each financial problem I solved...I reminded myself it was one more step in the recovery direction...remember, you are moving towards a healthy outcome...one step at a time

You can do this..sometime it just feels like too big a mountain to climb...so when it feels like that...just concentrate on the next step...

(((HUGS)))

pinkchip · ~*Service Worker*~

Praying for you. This is one of those situations where that "How do you eat an elephant?" question arises. One bite at a time.

It's going to be overwhelming if you thing too broadly. One foot in front of the other and stick with your alanon supports. You will walk through this with your head held up high.

Pushka · ~*Service Worker*~

Hugs WornOut,

I would talk to your atty and ask her how to have him legally held accountable on specific bills immediately. For me I waited until the last possible moment to transfer things out of his name because of the pending divorce there are only certain things that can legally be done .. however his name .. his bill.

What Pink said about eating an elephant .. you can only do the best you can do one day at a time and in a slow steady process vs the roller coaster of up and down. It's very intense to say the least.

I have to constantly remind myself that I am not dealing with a normal rational person and while I may fully see from my side of the street as completely irrational .. from his blurred side of reality he sees it as completely normal.

My fav read in C2C is page 74. I highly encourage you to take a look at it .. because it just plainly states an alcoholic does what an alcoholic does .. because .. they are alcoholics and we can rage in the face of it .. it's not going to change one simple thing.

Hugs P :)

orchidlover · ~*Service Worker*~

Leaving an alcoholic isn't going to be easy. My own experience cost me plenty. I think I was really not in tune with where the ex a was. He could really put up a great camaflaged image. He could hold down a job pretty well and had lots of friends. He could really really get an image together of him being sane and me being the insane one.

Of course when I left him the whole situation changed. I can't say my leaving was a seamless encounter. I can say that al anon helped me a great deal. First of all one of the things that really evaded me was to expect an alcoholic to be an alcoholic. The ex A's primary goal when I left him was to continue to use. No matter what happened, homelessness, car's crashed, no car, whatever he continued to use and felt absolutely justified in doing it. He always had some great story around it. I think it took me for ever to get to the expectation that he was going to continue along that path. Nowadays when I am around alcoholics and addicts I expect them to be one. I don't expect anything else but that expectation was hard won.

The other issue is to really embrace the three C's. I could control it, I didn't cause it and I can't cure it. That one was pretty hard too.

Detaching is a real feat of wonder for me. I can detach now pretty well around alcoholics and addicts but most of all my expectations are in line with reality. For all the time I was with the alcoholic my expectations was that he would get it together. He didn't. He could put on a great show but he didn't get it together at all. Double crossing, lying, stealing, more lying and more double crossing was the norm. I felt absolutely that every machination was personal to me when in fact he did it to EVERYONE.

Glad you are here.

Maresie.

WornOutMrsFixIt · Senior Member

Thanks for all of the advice and support.

I took step 1 today and spoke to the assistant at my attorney's office since the family law attorney that I work for is on vacation. She said that if I paid the credit card bills to 0 balance and removed my name from the account, that was a good place to start separating from him financially. AH and I had agreed to pay them off and cut them up but now if he doesn't follow through, it is in his name only.

Next, I am thinking about putting my 2 1/2 year old car up for sale. I love that car with my satellite radio and heated seats. It was my gift to myself when I went to work full time. I got a geat deal on it since my brother was the car salesman and it was 0% financing so I shouldn't be "under water" on it. My husband can drive his old paid off truck which he still loves and I'll go back to my mini SUV that is 10 years old but is owned free and clear.

Baby steps! I can do this. . .

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

Been there big time. Just like you. I ended up losing my new jeep wrangler I loved. I ended up with NO car at all in the country.

Believe me your selling your car will be nothing once you have the serenity of not having all this stuff on your mind. If it really is important to you, you do have options, and can find them. You would be surprised what can be cut, even little things to keep what you want.

I lost everything material. Even my ability to buy cloths. I am not into them so really I just have to have what I need. But that is how tough it is.

I had to pay ALL his back taxes, I thought he paid them, thousands and thousands. My income now is only $1200 a month. ugh. But I have a one room cabin on a beautiful craggy mountain river. Have a nice pickup 4x4. Have my dogs, cats, one potted pig and my guinea pigs. Had to give up my horses, llamas everything. We had an animal sanctuary, I worked full time and college full time.

It has taken years to get where I am just ok. Mostly very serene too. He did not take my faith, that is most important to me.

Things can always be gotten. I don't have satellite or cable tv. I watch what I want online. Me nor my two grown kids watch tv. I wash in cold, I hang things up. I am super frugal. You must have a good career so you should be fine finding your own place and make it special.

Great about the credit cards! Just make sure they really take your name off. I don't trust anyone anymore. Make sure you get the paper to prove it. don't trust anyone who says, its ok its on the computer. ya right.

Take care of you. Don't let go of too much. My mother did and she was so sorry later. If you want that car, sell stuff or even that ten year old suv and put it on the car, I don't know if refinancing it is an option to get the payment down?

You also can do that with other things. Combine to make one payment, ask creditors about cutting the debt in half or lowering interest. Many places just want some money as they are losing so much.

Never hurts to ask. On the house, be careful. The banks and mortgage companies are being found out. They are as crooked as politicians believe me.

things will get better. go out, go to lunch with friends, please don't forget life still goes on and it is ok to be happy. do what you can each day and then smile and forget it for the rest of the day.

hugs,debilyn

WornOutMrsFixIt · Senior Member

Thanks Debilyn. Good advice.

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