The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I second Tom's message. Alanon is a fellowship of men and women who have lived or do live with the problemof alcoholism. We believe that alaoholism is a disease that, we did not cause, cannot control and cannot cure. By living with the disease we have become affected and need a progam of recovery before wa can make major decisions for our lives.
I urge you to check out the face to face meetings in our community and try our on line meetings as well. It is very important to break the isolation caused by this disease and develp new constructive tools to live by
There is hope and help Please keep coming back
-- Edited by hotrod on Thursday 16th of August 2012 07:55:37 AM
My husband is an alcoholic. I moved from San Diego to rural Nebraska five years ago; the first year was good, then it all went downhill once I realized my then boyfriend/now husband had a drinking problem. I used to go out with him and drink, even get drunk. Then I moved in with him, and going out became staying home, and became drinking together while watching TV. Then I started seeing a different person; not the fun, sexy older guy I had started falling in love with, but a googly eyed, mean, hateful, disgusting and violent person. His defenition of one drink is a HUGE mason jar filled to the brim with straight whiskey. Five years later, he has ruined social drinking for me, I cant stand alcohol. My 10 year old step son has started to notice his fathers drinking. The violence, the bad moods, the driving while intoxicated with his son-it all came to blows the other night, and I finally called the police. Now, I dont know wether to stay, or to go. My best friend in California says to leave him asap, to move back to Cali and get on with my life. I love my husband, and I love my step son as if he were my own child. How can I leave a little boy with an abusive alcoholic? What do I do!!!
Tough stuff you are facing, to be sure.... lots of red flags over the violence, among other things....
Choosing recovery - for YOU - i.e. Al-Anon meetings, posting here, reading great literature (i.e. Getting Them Sober, volume one, by Toby Rice Drews) will definitely help....
Your best friend's advice is most certainly well meaning, but not sure if it is from someone who understands your circumstances/addictions all that well....
You have some great challenges in front of you, but also some awesome support in this area.... Safety first, for you and your step-son.
Keep coming back
Tom
__________________
"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
In Al-Anon we don't give advice. Our program is based on suggestion and interchange of experience.
I used to live with my alcoholic father. He was not violent, but was not always present and was very neglectful. Getting out of the situation helped me, but my behaviours transferred to other areas of my life. Finding the rooms of Al-Anon allowed me to put the focus back on changing myself and not trying to change the alcoholic.
With that being said, if you feel yours and your son's lives are in danger, then get out.
Find a local meeting. We all understand and will pray for you. It is not an easy road you face, but it is possible to climb your way through it. Like Tom said, safety first, then go from there. Hugs and prayers. ts
Thank you all for your kind words of support and wisdom. I looked up a meeting in my area, and they meet on Wednesdays, so I will try and go next week. Betty, you are so right when you say I need to break the isolation. The problem is, that my husband will get upset if I want to go and do anything that doesnt involve him too. I will have to lie and say I am going to the gym, and then I feel guilty for lying. When I bring up his drinking, he says that I knew he drank when I married him, and asks why did I marry him then. In my mind, I always thought he would change, or he loved me enough to stop. It's clear to me he has no desire to stop drinking, not for me, himself or his son. When I said my vows, I said for better or for worse...and I love him so very much, but I am just not happy. Tom, you mentioned recovery for ME, but I dont understand...Im not the alcoholic :(
Nope, you are NOT the alcoholic, but the concept of Al-Anon is that it is for family and friends of alcoholics - who have been affected by the disease of alcoholism.... I hated to hear that "I was sick, and I needed help & recovery", but it was 1000% true.
There is no doubt that you have been adversely affected by his disease..... Al-Anon is part of "our" recovery, per se, and choosing to get yourself better, healthier, etc....
A great book to get you going is "Getting Them Sober", volume one, written by Toby Rice Drews. It was both an eye opener, and a lifesaver - for me.
Take care
Tom
__________________
"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
Hi Again Tom, I obviously have a lot to learn. I've never dealth with addiction either personally or within my group of family and friends. I don't understand how it's a disease and not a conscious decision-so I think going to Al-Anon meetings can help me understand that. And I just ordered Getting them sober from amazon, I look forward to reading it.
I would really recommend the book Getting them Sober. The kind of rationalization the A makes is pretty typical of the alcoholic. They see their drinking as pretty normal. I hope you can reach out and get help for your step son too there is al -ateen too.
If you have to lie to get to a meeting so be it. The important thing is to get to them. There are two twice a day here. Personally I didn't have to lie to get to anything because the ex a was pretty much submerged in his drinking and using.
I am glad you are reaching out. I know books helped me a great deal, Melody Beattie was a great help as was Pia Melody. I hope you will give yourself time and attention to take care of yourself in this new beginning for you.
Thank you so much Maresie. Your kindness and support (along with all the others who have posted) are inspirational and really make me feel like I'm not that alone. How are you doing, are you still with an A or did he get sober?
