The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Suebama since you are ill with cancer that should be even more of a motivation to get rid of these negative emotions, it cant help your illness. You need positive energy to fight the illness.
In support Bettina
I wrote my response to you even before I knew of the cancer.
Not quite sure I understand your "non believers" question. Are you talking about God?
I am a practicing Buddhist we do not believe in a " God outside of yourself." We believe in the Universal Law of cause and effect. So even if you dont believe in God, the Universe still has a plan for you and being jealous is not a good cause. But its all up to you, you are responsible for what happens to you, its not a game of chance.
-- Edited by Bettina on Wednesday 15th of August 2012 03:24:49 PM
As far as the faith/believer question is concerned, I think this issue gets far too much "press" on this board... my two cents is that our program is successful if you are "sick and tired of being sick and tired", and if you have an open and willing mind to get yourself better....(regardless of your belief system, faith, etc)
As for all that jealousy stuff - it's hurtful.... to YOU, and your recovery, sense of well-being, serenity, etc....
I have learned of so many tools that are very useful in my recovery..... one of my favorite saying is "what you think of me is none of my business", and that one goes both ways...
Life being fair?? Hmmm.... what is that old saying: "a person who thinks that life should treat them fairly probably thought the tiger wouldn't eat them, because they were a vegetarian" (or something like that)....
What IS fair is that you have an opportunity... for growth, for recovery, for tomorrow being better than today, and for the day after that to be better than tomorrow.... We all do....
The perspectives that we bring to situations are powerful influences as to how we react/behave.... I just finished an awesome (non-recovery) book - The Celestine Prophecy - which was a wonderful highlight of this.....
The other one that comes to mind is a story from John Gray - author of the Mars/Venus books, who spoke about perspectives..... He was speaking in front of a large audience, and asked for a show of hands - "how many people have stepped off a curb, and come dangerously close to being hit by a car?" Of course, with a large audience, several hands went up..... He continued on.... "Me too, and before I learned about the power of perspectives, it used to ruin my day. I used to wave my fist at the driver, swearing at him..... Then I would go back to the office, and re-live the whole event with my co-workers, getting myself all agitated again..... Then I would go home and do the same thing all over again with my wife..... the event truly ruined my whole day...... Now, with the learnings I have gathered about perspectives, I have been able to put into place a different way of looking at life's events..... Today, should that same situation happen, I would be able to say - wow, way to go John - pretty good reflexes for an old guy - and then happily carry on with my day."
Easier said than done, to be sure, but a wonderful reminder for us all.....
Take care
Tom
-- Edited by canadianguy on Wednesday 15th of August 2012 05:05:36 PM
__________________
"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
She just said "Non Believers" maybe she was talking strictly about Alanon. I guess I should have waited till she clarified. I dont like talking about a specific religion, really. I know that Alanon is a spiritual program and non denominational. I like to keep it that way. I guess I was trying to let her know that people in MIP come from all religious backgrounds. Including atheists and agnostics.
Sincerely, Bettina
-- Edited by Bettina on Wednesday 15th of August 2012 07:52:21 PM
-- Edited by Bettina on Wednesday 15th of August 2012 07:53:22 PM
-- Edited by Bettina on Wednesday 15th of August 2012 08:14:56 PM
I wish I could overcome my feelings of jealousy, they seem so silly. Truth is, I wouldn't have him back with a COLLOSAL dowry! But every time I think of my ex "sober" husband (sorry, haven't learned to abbreviate like SOU) with his girlfriend or with our kids or with his girlfriend and our kids something inside of me rolls over. I imagine him smiling, so happy and complete. I imagine that he wishes she was the mother of his kids all along (they dated in high school) and that he's so glad I divorced him now. I know that's EGO, but it's still there.
Oh, reality will you please set in to my sickened mind...
And not only that, but while he's out having the time of his life, flitting around and being glad I left him, I'm fighting cancer alone. Where is the justice in that?
Suebama, Jealousy , a killer of an emotion that is bad for our health.
I read your post a few times and can only come to the conclusion that your obsession on which you think is your X's happiness. You dont really know whats going on in their life. But somehow you have it in your mind that they are happier than you after all the hardships you went thru with the A, and you want your reward. Your reward is you dont have to live with the A anymore.
Suebama , I talk to you like a friend , your focus is off. All that energy you put into your projections could be used on your recovery. You are still powerless over anyone elses life. When you can wish him and his new wife well then you are on the true path of recovery. Its not so much reality setting in, its Acceptance that comes to mind. Start with acceptance.
I know you dont want to stay stuck with self pity. I would ask your HP to direct your thinking.
Keep coming back , because it works when you work it.
You will get over your feelings of jealousy... Eventually. Be easy on yourself and allow yourself some slack. You have been through a lot of pain and it's not going to go away overnight. For me, when I feel those thoughts creeping in, I try to put it out of my mind quickly. I think about something else or do some different activity. Being in school and studying has helped me a lot. Keeping busy is great and accomplishments build self esteem. I know u don't know everything so when I feel bad about how things have turned out for me in regards to love I try remember that perhaps my HP has many reasons for getting this person out if my life that I don't know about. Perhaps HP saved me from many bad things to come. I know I feel better by myself overall than I did with AH and I'm thankful for that. I can sleep at night. I can cook what I want. My stomach is not in knots, etc. what are you Greatful for? Focus on that.
The ex A was a supreme manipulator. He could look happy and serene when he was homeless and down and out. He could look carefree when he was absolutely crazed with worry about something. One reason they are able to be alcoholics is that they are great at camaflaging.
I know I can tend to go into envy at certain people. For me that's a sign my focus is off. I have a practice of writing down my gratitudes every day. When my sponsor first asked me to do that I was furious. Grateful for what. I have now a practice of emailing some every day to a friend. I find that very very helpful in pulling me back to focus on me. I have to say its not 100 % all the time but there are days when I could care less what the ex A is doing, who he is with and what amount of money he is making. None of that would tempt me to deal with an alcoholic again on that level. I have had my fill of it. I would however like a relationship some day and I'm willing to learn how to do that. Of course the most important relationship is with myself!
They do put on a good show. He may just be on the rebound. I've had dreams where my ex is wonderful, happy and sober and wake up and realize that whoever gets him is in for a big surprise. The dreams and thoughts made me crazy!! It did stop after a couple of months of praying and non stop reading. Think of the reasons you divorced him. He will carry those traits right along with him and into his other relationships. Try not to let the kids see your anger/jealousy because they will feel the need to protect you and that's hard for them. I downloaded an e-book Change Your Mind and Your Life will Follow and his has a lot of good advise and tips in there that have been helping.
