The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
My name is Jim and I have been a member of Al-Anon for 2.5 years. I cant express how much I am grateful for the fact that my higher power has guided me to this program. I am a 28 year old male. Prior to Al-Anon, I was very angry, sarcastic, bitter, judgemental and gossipy. Everything was always about keeping score and staying one step ahead of everyone else. I couldn't be happy for others because noone was happy for me and good things just weren't meant to happen for me. My friends all have similar qualities about them. They are also big into drinking and hanging out at bars, going clubbing, and some of them smoke a lot of weed. Many of them are all still friends from high school, and I've always somewhat resented the fact that I couldn't establish those deep long-term friendships back then because of the situation i was living in (shame of having an alcoholic father).
Most of them are married or getting married, but god has not blessed me with my angel yet. I've learned that just like everything else good in my life, it will happen in his time when he feels I am ready for it. I'm not going to expect it either :)
In the 2.5 years that I have been in the fellowship I have had the pleasure of dropping a lot of those behaviours and traits. I am no longer gossipy, judgemental or sarcastic. I do still have some bitterness lingering over the fact that I feel like everyone else has met their match and I am alone, but that feeling is not as intense as it used to be.
I have reached a point in my recovery, and in my life for that matter, where I dont feel like I want to be around these people anymore. They are not bad people but I just really have no interest in engaging in the stuff they do and talking about all the stuff they do. I have been drifting apart from them more and more, by my own volition. I'm literally at the point where if I had the option, I'd much rather attend an AL-Anon meeting then sit at a bar or club and get drunk !
The problem? It's very lonely. Now, I still do join them out once in awhile but I just feel so out of place now when I am around them. I feel a disconnect, as though I am, dare I say it, above them in some respects. They ask me what I have been up to and I am not really comfortable telling some of them that I go to Al-Anon and have spoken and chaired meetings etc. I am comfortable telling friends I trust, it is something social that I do, but the only answer I really give them is 'work is good, I still play ball hockey' and there's never really anything new to report, but really there is ! I am afraid they will all start gossiping about me, calling me weird and anti-social and a loner because I dont enjoy some of the things that 'normal' 28 year-old do.
Good morning Jim, I have noticed the things you have written about happening too in my life since alanon, I still attract personalities that would like to engage me in gossip and social activities that do not suit me any longer, I felt kind of strange at first chossing not to engage and I did wonder what they thought was going on with me, as time as gone on and my selfconfidence has built steadily, taking care of myself has taken priority over people pleasing and feeling confused and angry because I was allowing people to manipulate me, I work with a very strong controling personality that has really tried to engage me in gossip this week, I have to be so careful what I say around or to this person as she twists the truth, I was on a very fine line of reacting but I didn't thankfully, I am so pleased I didn't, I chose to stay quiet which saved me, I think this void lonelyness is nessasarry for us to re- adjust and give us the space and time to fill us up with the nicer kind of things that we need in our lives to bloom and grow, don't forget this new Jim will attract new personalities of your chosing your chosing, how cool is that?
People do not need to know where we go or what we do, happiness is infectious, to thine ownself be true, great post. x
